Balm of Gilead
by Blossomwitch
Summary: Kurama needs more than a friend's help to recover from a horrific crime. Yaoi, and a threeway relationship HieiKuramaYusuke. Complete.
1. Prologue: Ninety Seven Days

Balm of Gilead

Rating: M for later chapters  
Summary: Kurama needs more than friendship to recover from a horrific crime.  
Author's Notes: This story is going to definitley be slash/yaoi along the line, but I haven't quite decided on the pairing yet. It is entirely possible there will be a threesome somewhere along the line, so don't read if you don't like. It is also going to be quite angsty. I realize Kurama-angst is generic, but I thought I'd make my contribution to the genre anyway. The titlte is a biblical quote.

Prologue: Ninety Seven Days

"He's different," Yusuke warned her as they sped up the mountainside, their need for speed slightly hampered by the fact that Shiori had never been on a motorbike before. She clung awkwardly behind the young man, arms wrapped tightly around his waist, willing him to go faster and yet feeling a gut-wrenching fear each time they went over a bump in the dirt road.

"Different how?" she demanded, speaking straight into his ear to be heard over the wind.

Yusuke didn't answer her. "Yusuke, tell me what happened to my son!"

"I don't know what happened. He hasn't been able to tell us yet."

Shiori's heart plummeted. "But you must know something."

"It's not my place to tell you, ma'am. Ku--Shuichi should be the one to talk to you about it, if and when he wants to."

Shiori heard the hesitation and correction all to clearly. Kurama, Yusuke had nearly said. The other name.

"You told me about him, though."

"That was different. Someone had to stop you from going and looking for him."

Shiori thought back to the day, eight four days ago now, that they were referring to. Yusuke was right, she had been on the verge of going to search for her son herself. He had been missing for nearly two weeks and the police had stopped trying to reassure her, and his friends from school were calling less and less frequently to ask if there was any news, and her husband and friends were gently trying to prepare her for the possibility that he might not be found.

Then, on the thirteenth day since she had seen her son, two friends of Shuichi's whom she had not heard from since his disappearance came to her doorstep. She let them in reluctantly--these were not her favorite acquaintances of Shuichi's. She knew he cared for both of the boys and so she didn't speak of it, but being the perfect student and son that he was it was odd that Shuichi should chose to spend his time with them. Yusuke's self proclaimed street punk status put her off, and Hiei simply frightened her. Shuichi must have known, at least subconsciously, that she didn't approve, because she never managed to be as welcoming to these three as to any other friends Shuichi brought home. She regretted this deeply now.

The two had come into her kitchen and wisely made her sit down before beginning, very straightforwardly, to tell her about Kurama. Only the sight of Hiei's Jagan eye, which left her oddly dizzy, had convinced her that they weren't stark raving mad.

The more they spoke, the more it made sense. They made certain to impress upon Shiori the seriousness of what her son was involved in, letting her sit for over an hour with a cold cup of coffee in front of her while Hiei spoke of Yoko Kurama's past, his death and rebirth and the startling attachment he had formed to her, and Yusuke talked of what Shuichi had really been doing the past years as he claimed to be going to academic training camps, killing demons and nearly being killed by them. They had ended by telling her that it was a demon who had kidnapped her son.

No--no, that hadn't been the end of the conversation. It had only felt like the end for to Shiori, when the utter terror of the thought swallowed her so completely it was like being under Hiei's Jagan again. But the boys went on to assure her that he was being looked for.

"The thing is," she remembered Yusuke saying, "ever since Kuwabara went back to school and gave up this business Kurama's been an entire third of our team. And until he's found Hiei and I have nothing to do but look for him. We're not taking on new missions until our team is intact. So the humans can give up, Koenma can give up, everyone else who's looking can give up and we still won't stop searching until we find him. You had to know so you didn't go looking for him yourself. You had to know that someone is already on the hunt--two someones who have the best shot of finding him." Hiei's Eye glowed meaningfully. "We'll bring him back."

That had been months ago, and she hadn't seen or heard from them since. She hadn't told her husband, too overwhelmed with the burden of knowledge of everything her son had done, both in this life and the last, to want to share it. But the visit had given her hope. The young men seemed sincere in what they said, that they wouldn't stop searching until Shuichi had been found, even if it took years. And then today--the ninety seventh since she had seen her son--Yusuke had come to her door again. His appearance had been haggard and windswept, with a grim set to his face. He told her that Shuichi had been found and was at a retreat in the mountains, and that was as far as he had gotten before Shiori had demanded to be taken to him.

The only mode of transportation available was Yusuke's motorcycle, so Shiori had climbed on, and now the terror of the ride was only adding to the bile already rising in her throat. "Yusuke, tell me what's happened. Not telling me only makes my mind go wild with terrible imaginings. I need to know what my son has gone through."

Yusuke slowed the bike. "I honestly can't tell you. He hasn't been conscious. All I can tell you is that the demon who did this to him is dead." He pulled over. "This is as far as the road goes. We'll have to walk from here."

He held out his hand to help Shiori off the bike, and she continued clinging to it after she was standing. "Yusuke--take me to him."

Yusuke nodded, and lead her into the forest.


	2. Darkness

Chapter One: Darkness

The room was dark, the shutters drawn tightly against the daylight that tired to leak in through the cracks and around the corners. In the corner lay a bed, and on it, two demons. One was curled into a semi-sitting position, one hand resting lightly on his katana and the other on the hair of the second demon who lay nestled against him, dead to the world in his sleep. A third demon sat pristinely on a chair next to the bed, watching the two as she crushed herbs in a small mortar and pestle she held in her lap. Hiei watched her back. They were silent for a long time before either spoke.

"Herbs will not heal him," Hiei said darkly.

Yukina's hands faltered. "Kurama may respond well to plants," she said.

"Hn."

Yukina looked at her herbs. They might be useless, it was true; but they were all she had to give. "Yusuke should be back soon," she said softly, changing the subject. "Then you can rest for a few hours."

"I don't need to rest."

"But Yusuke will need his sleep tonight, so you'll be up with him all night. And you neither of you have really rested since you got back. You should take a break while you can."

"I don't need a break," Hiei snarled. "I've done far more difficult things than watch over an unconscious demon for far longer stretches of time than this. Yusuke needn't even come in if he doesn't want to; I can stay with Kurama for days without falling asleep."

Yukina's eyes were nearly filling with tears. She usually didn't cry so easily, but the emotional strain of the past months and then the past day combined with the anger in Hiei's voice was taking its toll, even though she knew the anger wasn't really meant for her. "But Yusuke may wish to help as well," she said in a voice that was nearly a whisper.

"Hn." Hiei didn't say anything further, but what he wouldn't admit was that didn't trust anyone else with the fox right now. Trust wasn't Hiei's strong suit. Of course Yukina and Botan and Genkai were all trained in the healing arts; of course Yusuke and Koenma and Kuwabara all meant well. But Hiei couldn't shake the feeling that Kurama needed _him_.

The door banged open and Hiei lifted his eyes angrily, prepared to attack whoever had made such a loud noise. Then the human woman--Shiori--rushed forward, but stopped with her hand outstretched a foot from the bed, as if afraid to touch her son would make him disintegrate. "Shuichi?" she asked in a quavering tone.

There was no hint of movement from the redhead. Shiori collapsed onto the ground, melting into tears as she grasped one of Kurama's hands. "Shuichi, you're skin and bones," she said through her tears. "And..." She could not bring herself to say anything of the marks of whip and flame that were red and angry along Kurama's skin. "What's happened to you," she whimpered.

No one spoke--not Yusuke from the doorway, or Hiei on the bed, or Yukina frozen in her chair. Still weeping, Shiori climbed onto the bed and pulled Kurama away from Hiei and into her arms. Hiei allowed it and Kurama remained utterly limp.

While the human woman wept, Hiei got off the bed and as discreetly as he could manage went to join Yusuke by the door. "How'd she take it," he muttered.

"You can see that," Yusuke replied. "I haven't told her much of anything. I figured we should let Kurama do the talking when he wakes up."

"If he wakes up."

"Don't talk like that," Yusuke growled. "He'll be fine."

"Sorry, detective, but I've seen people come through torture like this before and about half of them never do wake up. Those who do are forever changed. We won't be getting our Kurama back anytime soon."

Over on the bed, Kurama stirred and made a whining noise. "Shuichi, love," Shiori said, instantly alert through her tears. "Wake up, darling."

But Kurama did not wake. He twitched and whimpered. The stirrings quickly grew more agitated, and Shiori had to shift her grip to keep hold of him. "Shuichi, dear, it's Mother. Don't cry, it's alright."

"It's alright," Yusuke echoed. But he was talking to Shiori, not Kurama. Shiori jumped; Yusuke and Hiei had rematerialized on either side of her without her noticing. Hiei fluidly slid Kurama's hands out of her grasp and into his own; at the same time, Yusuke sat on the bed and pulled Kurama's torso against his chest, stroking the long red hair back. Instantly, Kurama calmed; in a moment, he was limp again.

Shiori looked at the two boys, speechless. Yusuke shrugged. "He knows who killed the demon that did this. He's not calm unless Hiei or I are touching him."

"But I'm his mother."

"And about as useful in battle as a chunk of lead tied around his wrist," Hiei said flatly. "Kurama's no fool. He knows he's weak, and he knows he needs a fighter with him to be safe. Even unconscious, he knows this."

Shiori was speechless again. "Hiei, that wasn't very kind," Yukina said softly.

"I'm sorry; was I supposed to lie and spare her feelings? Tell her that her touch will magically save her son when in truth she's useless?"

"Hiei, stop lashing out at everybody," Yusuke said angrily. "We're all pissed over what happened, but the rest of us are managing to deal without biting each other's heads off. You're not the only person in the room who cares about Kurama."

"True, detective, but I may be the only one who knows what he's been through, and--"

"Oh, tell me," Shiori pleaded. Hiei blinked at her. "Please tell me, Hiei. I have to know what's happened to him."

"It's not fit for speaking," Hiei said succintly.

Shiori broke into tears again. Yukina moved forward and put a compassionate arm around her shoulders. "Shhh. It will be alright," she said softly, exercising her eternal optimism. "Kurama will come back to us. He just needs time to heal. Come with me, I'll get you a cup of tea."

Shiori shook her head adamantly. "I won't leave him."

"Then may I bring you some tea?" Shiori nodded through her tears, and Yukina stood and swiftly left the room to fetch it.

"Yusuke," Hiei muttered, ignoring the woman quietly crying on the end of the bed.

"Yeah?"

"I'm going to go rest for a few hours now while I can, so that you can sleep tonight. I'll stay up with him."

Yusuke nodded. "Sounds like a good plan."

Hiei was careful not to let it show to anyone in the room how reluctant he was to let go of Kurama's hands. He wanted anything but to take Yukina's suggestion, but he could see the wisdom in it, and more than that he couldn't handle Shiori's grief. Perhaps because it was so openly displayed, perhaps because it so closely echoed his own--for whatever reason, he did not want to stay in the room with her. So he let Kurama's hands slip out from his own, reminding himself that even if Yusuke was often an idiot he was capable of caring for Kurama for a few hours.

As if to emphasize the point, Yusuke pulled Kurama closer to him, letting Kurama's head fall against his shoulders and encircling him lightly with his arms. Feeling a flash of emotions he couldn't name, Hiei turned and fled out the window.


	3. Conversations in the Night

Chapter Two: Conversations in the Night

Yusuke stared out the window, wanting to go and punch something. Preferably a bad guy, but anything would have done at the moment. He even wanted to go find Hiei and punch him, just to get it off his chest.

After Hiei had left Shiori had continued to disintegrate on them, and Yusuke was certain it was in some part due to Hiei's unkind words. _Damn, but you can be an ass sometimes, Hiei_, he thought.

But then again, he had to cut the demon some slack. He had some idea of what he was going through.

Yusuke looked down at Kurama, lying with his head against Yusuke's chest, his face somehow sorrowful even in his sleep. He thought of his uncontrollable, indescribable anger at what had been done to his friend--and then he thought of how much longer Hiei had known him, how much closer Kurama had managed to get to the enigmatic fire demon than anyone else, and wondered how Hiei could bear it.

In the face of that, Yusuke's anger felt almost inadequate.

Yusuke looked out the window again, wondering when Hiei would return. He was uncomfortable--as much as he wanted to be here, part of him felt like he had no right to be here in Hiei's place. Or more accurately, part of him felt that he had no right to be feeling what he was if Hiei wasn't feeling it.

Then again, there was every possibility that Hiei felt as Yusuke did about Kurama and was just too stubborn to show it. And did it even matter anymore, which of them felt what? Hiei said that Kurama might not ever come back to them.

Yusuke looked back at Kurama, and fell to reflection. It had been Kurama, really, who had helped Yusuke through it when he and Keiko had been forced to admit that despite their love for each other, Yusuke needed a fighter and Keiko needed an academic for their respective partners. It was probably not too long after then that Yusuke's deeper attachment to Kurama had grown. It was also around then that Kuwabara had officially retired from the demon-snaring business and married Yukina, and Yusuke, Kurama, and Hiei, despite their having been at odds during the battle for demon world, had pulled together as a stronger team than they had ever been before. For years now the three had been running missions for Koenma--light ones, to be sure, as demon world was more at peace with itself now, but demons would still slip through the cracks and try to cause a ruckus occasionally. Yusuke was closer to those two boys than he had been or would be to anybody in his life. They both knew him inside out, but the difference was that Hiei was hard and cold and difficult to read, to touch; Kurama was warm and open, yet still mysterious enough to pique Yusuke's interest. And beautiful. Gods, was he beautiful.

No longer. Yusuke's anger stirred again. He looked down at Kurama. His hair was still the same vivid red it had always been, but it somehow lacked vitality; his skin hung limply from his pones, alternately pale from lack of sunlight or angry red from something that had been done to it, and his eyes, on the rare occasions they flickered open in a waking dream, were tarnished. Yusuke would have gladly killed a second time the demon who had drowned out the gleam in those eyes.

His anger was interrupted when he sensed a presence in the window. "Hey, Hiei."

"You can go to bed now."

"I thought I'd sleep in here," Yusuke said, gesturing to a few blankets and a pillow that had been spread out on the floor. "Genkai made a cot up for Shiori but... well, she's not doing so great. Yukina wound up putting some sedative in her second cup of tea and she's sleeping it off now."

Hiei grunted and sat down in the windowsill, drawing his knees up to his chest. He didn't seem thrilled with Yusuke's idea. "Unless you'd rather I sleep elsewhere," Yusuke found himself saying.

"Why should I care, Detective."

Too tired to lie, Yusuke replied, "I don't know, maybe because you're so protective of Kurama you've been attacking anyone who tries to get near him. Even me."

"I haven't attacked anyone."

"Well, not physically."

Hiei smiled with absolutely no mirth to it. "Then I'd say I'm being myself, aren't I?"

"You're an ass, Hiei, but you're not usually this much of an ass. Why can't you just admit that you're hurting?"

"Of course I'm hurting."

Yusuke blinked. He hadn't expected Hiei to admit that, certainly not in the bitter and withdrawn tone that he had just used. Hiei continued. "But I don't see any point to coddling myself when it's Kurama who needs our attention." Hiei slid off the windowsill and came to peer inquisitively at the still limp demon. "No change, I presume..."

"None."

Hiei stared at Kurama for a moment. His face was uncharacteristically grave. "Fox, what are you doing," he said suddenly, in a voice much softer than Yusuke was accustomed to hearing him use. It was like Yusuke wasn't in the room, wasn't the one holding Kurama. "You can't hide in your sleep forever."

"I don't think he's hiding," Yusuke said. "Maybe he just needs to sleep to heal."

Hiei smiled, almost fondly. "No, Detective. He never sleeps to heal. He's just hiding." Hiei reached over and brushed Kurama's hair back. "He'll come back when he's damned good and ready."

And there it was.

The speech patterns--Hiei's casual possession of Kurama. He never does this, he always does that. Hiei knew. Taken--just as surely as he and Keiko had been taken all those years, though their lips had never so much as touched. Just as Yusuke knew, or suspected, that Hiei and Kurama had not kissed.

But he looked at Hiei, at his crimson eyes resting tiredly on Kurama like the fox might disappear if he looked away, and he saw. He saw what Hiei didn't want anyone to see, knew what he might not know himself: Hiei was in love with Kurama.


	4. Half Awake

A/N: I had to rewrite this damn chapter three times, the computer kept eating it. My apologies if it's disjointed from being picked up so many times.

Chapter Three: Half awake

It was three more days before Kurama awoke.

During that time, his dependence on Hiei or Yusuke's presence did not lessen. He showed no reaction to Shiori's touch, or indeed to any touch, but rather only to the absence of his friends.

Genkai's retreat became quite crowded. Yusuke and Hiei stayed out of necessity, and no one even thought to suggest Shiori leave. Yukina also remained at the shrine, even though she had left to marry Kuwabara and live in the city with him years ago; Kuwabara himself made it up as frequently as he could, usually for at least an hour each day. Botan was there for the majority of each day and Koenma dropped by most days as well, hoping in vain for progress in the status of his fighter. At first Shiori tried to keep contact with her husband over the phone, but the story of Kurama's past came out to them quickly and Hatanaka, being no fool at reading his wife's emotional state, packed up Shuuichi and brought them both to stay at the shrine as well.

The shrine was full, but the room where Kurama lay came more and more to house only three people. The others became less and less present, hiding from the anger of the two men who would have willingly set the Dark Tournament ablaze for the life of the demon they now guarded. The atmosphere in the room was invariably thick and tense. Yusuke and Hiei tried to be respectful of the others' need to be there, particularly Shiori's, but they flowed from snapping at each other into a sense of comradery and right back into snapping at each other so fast and so unpredictably that no one else could stand to be there. Kuwabara privately voiced the opinion to Yukina that once Kurama was no longer dependant on their touch, his two friends needed to go out and have a good, long battle with each other to get it out of their systems. Yusuke and Hiei would sulk, throwing accusations at each other while secretly blaming themselves, and then switch to discussing the fox with such a detailed knowledge of his life and habits that it was clear everyone else was an outsider when it came to Kurama.

So it was no surprise when, four days after his rescue, Hiei and Yusuke were the only ones in the room when Kurama awoke.

Hiei was sitting on the bed at the time, his hands tightly interlaced with Kurama's to keep the unconscious demon from crying out in fear. Yusuke was pacing the room in a small fit of frustration. Hiei remained quiet, having decided it was not worth the effort to suggest Yusuke go fry a tree with his spirit gun to let off some energy. He was looking down at Kurama, noticing that his hair was becoming more and more tangled as Kurama tossed and turned in his nightmares. Hiei didn't want it to get any more tangled, but he also wasn't keen on being seen to do something as--domestic--as brushing hair. How to bring it to someone's attention without acting like he cared?

Sweeping his eyes over the red mess his gaze passed over Kurama's face--and then backtracked. His eyes were open.

Hiei's eyes closed in on Kurama's, and Yusuke's ranting was instantly tuned out. Kurama looked back at him, but there was no change in his facial expression. "Kurama," Hiei murmured.

Kurama blinked, slowly, still looking at Hiei with the same expression of--what? Gravity? An expression so smooth Hiei was not yet certain he was awake. Yusuke stilled, and looked over to the bed. "Is he awake?" he asked uncertainly.

Hiei did not look away from Kurama. "_Are_ you awake?"

Yusuke moved over to the bed to side beside them, and Kurama moved his head stiffly, locating Yusuke and silently taking him in. "Kurama, are you awake?" Hiei repeated, a little more urgently. 'Can you understand me?"

Dry lips parted. "I can understand you," Kurama said hoarsely.

Yusuke and Hiei glanced at each other, relief pouring from their eyes. "Goddamn, Kurama, you scared the hell out of us," Yusuke sighed.

_Easy, detective_, Hiei warned, speaking directly into Yusuke's mind. _I don't think he's really with us yet._

"Sorry," Kurama rasped.

He tried to sit and failed; without speaking, Yusuke leaned forward and helped support him until Hiei had arranged the pillows for him to lean against. Yusuke frowned upon coming into contact with Kurama and finding he was shaking; when he lay back it was clear even to the naked eye that he was trembling, as he brought his knees up to his chest and insecurely wrapped his arms around them.

"Where am I?" Kurama asked softly, not really looking at either of them.

"At Genkai's," Hiei answered him.

"And how long have I been here?"

"Four days." Hiei let a little of the worry and frustration he had felt during those four days creep into his voice.

Kurama's eyes closed. "Stay with us," Yusuke cautioned, putting out a hand to support Kurama's neck when his head would have fallen to the side. "Don't go back to sleep just yet."

"I knew..." Kurama's hand moved spastically, trying to grip something; Hiei covered it with both of his own. "I knew, that if I ever woke up again, anywhere that wasn't there... it would be to one of your voices."

Yusuke almost asked a question then, something about where Kurama had been and what had happened, but he stopped himself. Kurama was breathing hard and shaking harder, and he still had his eyes closed. He looked like he was about to go into a seizure. Yusuke looked to Hiei for a clue as to what to do next, but Hiei was only frowning at Kurama, seeming as helpless as Yusuke felt.

The urge to comfort quickly became overpowering. Yusuke moved further onto the bed and wrapped an arm around Kurama's shoulders. "You're safe now," he offered, squeezing the thin shoulders lightly. "No one's going to hurt you anymore."

The response was instantaneous. Kurama gave a strangled sob, a sound that it seemed he had been suppressing since the moment he woke. He turned his head into Yusuke's shoulder, and his grip on Hiei's hand tightened to an almost bone-shattering level.

If there had been any less pain in the room, the next moments might have proved comical. Two demons, neither of whom had experienced comfort or support in their lives, two demons who were hard and proud and strong desperately trying to be soft and soothing instead; trying to offer that mythical comfort that had always been denied them. They didn't know what to do.

Kurama was in silent agony, unable to breathe, not willing to give into the tears but unable to stop them so that every so often a little sob would break free from him, and the tears ran quietly down his face. Yusuke and Hiei looked at each other with wide eyes over his shoulders, sobered well past the point of dignity by Kurama's pain. They tried touching him, comforting him, awkwardly bumping into to each other as they tried to hold Kurama without invading each other's space. Finally, as Kurama showed no signs of being comforted, Hiei mentally growled _Yusuke, this is ridiculous. He needs us._ Then he held Kurama close to himself and pressed both their bodies against Yusuke; it took only a second for Yusuke to wrap his arms around them both, effectively sandwiching Kurama between them. Then they held him quietly, neither having words of comfort to give.

Their touch proved enough. Clinging to them both, literally barricaded from the world by their physical presence, Kurama still shook but his tears escaped from him in gasps, and gradually ceased. Hiei and Yusuke reached a silent decision not to try to speak again, to let Kurama be the first; so they lay there for a moment in silence, the only movement being when Hiei wiped an errant strand of hair out of Kurama's eyes.

"Where is my mother?" Kurama finally asked. "Is she safe?"

"She's here, in the shrine. You want to see her?" Yusuke was already half rising from the bed.

"No!" Kurama grabbed Yusuke's wrist. "No, I... I don't want her to see."

"Fox, she's already seen," Hiei told him.

Kurama closed his eyes. "What did you tell her," he asked tremulously.

Hiei and Yusuke exchanged a glance, only now realizing how extremely angry Kurama was about to become with them. "Everything," Hiei said slowly. "She was going to go and look for you... so we told her everything, to make her stop."

Kurama gasped. "She knows..."

"Everything," Yusuke confirmed, quick to not let Hiei take the heat for what had been a mutual decision.

Kurama began shaking harder. Yusuke tried to move in to comfort him, but he curled up into a ball, turning away from his touch and beginning to sob again. Yusuke reached out to stroke his back but quickly pulled his hand back. Hiei also tried to touch him and stopped, frowning. In his distress, the fox was radiating a wall of hurt and angry energy that snapped and licked at their hands, quickly growing so strong that they were both forced off the bed.

"What now?" Yusuke asked.

Before Hiei could say anything, the door opened and Kuwabara bounded in, having noticed the strange outburst of energy. "What's going on with him?" he exclaimed.

"He woke up," Hiei summed up.

Kuwabara opened his mouth to say something else; but before he could speak the door opened again and Genkai came in. She took one look at Kurama, then rounded on Hiei and Yusuke. "What did you do to him?"

Yusuke's mouth flopped open, then shut, then open, like a landed fish; Hiei looked away, withering slightly under Genkai's hard look. Finally, Yusuke spoke. "He woke up and he asked about his mother, and then when we told him she knew about him being a demon he started--that."

"And you thought telling him as soon as he woke up that Shiori now knows everything he despises about himself and hid from her for two decades was a great thing to do?" Now both boys were wincing.

Genkai looked like she was winding herself up for a tirade but Shiori herself came into the room then, having jumped up and followed the sound of Kuwabara's pounding feet. "Shuichi?" she gasped, and started to move forward.

Genkai intercepted her. "No, Shiori," she said with unusual gentleness. "You can't touch him right now."

"Grandma, what the hell is he doing anyway?"

"It's an energy barrier, dimwit--it's an instinctive reaction to feeling hurt of threatened, a way of protecting one's self. Now, as weak as he is right now either one of you could rip through it like paper, but I _don't_ think that's the way to make him feel better--and Shiori mustn't touch it, none of his human family would be able to bear it." Genkai drew a chair up to the bedside, gently directing Shiori into it. "Shiori, I think it's best if you sit with him for awhile. When he stops panicking he will sense you, and he will want more than anything to know you still love him. And you two." She fixed Hiei and Yusuke with a glare. "Out."

"We have to--"

"He needs us to--"

"He doesn't seem to be reliant on your touch right now, does he?" Genkai asked, gesturing. "Give the boy a moment with his mother."

Hiei and Yusuke looked at each other in a way that clearly expressed how little either one wanted to leave the room. However, Hiei allowed his Jagan to glow briefly, indicating that they could still watch him, and Yusuke nodded. Under Genkai's stern glare, the boys finally left Kurama's room.


	5. Song

_A/N: Many apologies for keeping you waiting on this chapter. I went off in a bad direction on it and had to realize that before it would finish itself. This chapter starts out a little disjointed, but will get more coherent as Kurama becomes more coherent; I'm trying to show his state of mind. _

Chapter Four: Song

They weren't there. They hadn't been for some time, but it hadn't bothered him, and now it did. They were gone.

He shifted, trying to figure out where he was, trying to wake up. The days that had turned into weeks that had turned into months had taught the fox it was better not to wake; now, he was struggling against that programming, trying against his own protective instincts to become aware. Someone was singing. His mother--so, he was dreaming again. What a wonderful dream, Shiori singing. So tempting, just to stay in it, so easy to stay in the dream--but did he need it, now? He wasn't _there_--so where was he? Who cares; sleep, hear her sing. That is enough.

But it wasn't enough, and while he couldn't wake he didn't go back to sleep, either. Nagging feelings kept him half-aware; nagging foxlike curiosity. All the "w" words--who, what, where, why. _I don't care, I want to sleep._ Another voice answered: _Ah, but you do care. You're not so close to death as that, Kurama. So get up._ And a third voice, scared, repeating: _Where are they?_

He remembered being angry. Not fearfully or reflexively, but really and truly angry at them for something they had done. Rather ungrateful of him, when you thought about it. Still, that was probably why they were gone. A moment of fear struck him; were they really and truly gone, had they left him unprotected? Would they do that? No, probably not. Why had he been angry, anyway?

Shiori. Shiori, singing.

Kurama opened his eyes slowly and found himself in a vaguely familiar room, lying in bed, and his mother was sitting in a chair next to him and singing as she looked out the window. Not a dream? How much, then: if it was real, then how much of it had been a dream? He looked at her, and it wasn't too long before she looked back, and smiled her beautiful smile at him. "Shuichi, honey, are you awake?" Her voice was soft.

"Yes Mother." He tried to modulate his voice to sound normal. "How long have I been asleep?"

"From what I hear, at least four days. You've been scaring us all silly. How are you feeling?"

Kurama remained silent, not willing to lie but not willing to tell the truth. When Shiori realized he wasn't going to answer, she asked, "Are you thirsty?"

Kurama nodded, and Shiori poured a drink from a pitcher on the nighttable, but hesitated before reaching out to him. "Are you--can I touch you now?"

"What?"

"Genkai said that I musn't touch you, earlier. You were emitting a... a barrier?"

Oh--that was why they had left. That was why he had been angry. Something swam around in Kurama's mind and tried to make sense. "You know."

Shiori regarded him compassionately. "I can touch you?" Kurama nodded, and Shiori moved closer, helping him to sit up and putting one hand behind his head while the other held the cup for him to drink from. "Yes, I know."

She was still here--that was a good sign. But still. "You must hate me."

"How could I hate my son?" Shiori sounded genuinely confused.

"But... I'm... not really your son. I'm the... the thing that possessed your son."

Shiori's forehead wrinkled. "But... they said you were a part of Shuichi. That he was a part of you. That Kurama and Shuichi became one person." Kurama nodded slightly. "Then how are you not my son?"

"Shuichi, he... he would have been different if I hadn't..."

Shiori ruffled his hair, then smoothed it. "He might have been different, but he couldn't have been better," she said softly. "They told me about that stunt you pulled why I was in the hospital. Yusuke was right, by the way; it would have been stupid of you to kill yourself." She smiled softly. "And here I thought you were supposed to be smart."

"I'm so sorry... for deceiving you..."

"I understand why you did," she said quietly. "I just hope that you would have told me on your own, someday. And... and that you truly do consider me your mother."

"I do," he assured her fervently. "I mean I... I hope I can."

"Oh, Shuichi." She kissed his forehead. "Of course you can."

They were quiet for a few moments, then. Shiori twisted her hands in her lap, wanting to ask questions but not wanting to cause pain. Kurama, for his part, reassured that Shiori was not angry, let his eyes unfocus and tried to discern something of his surroundings. He sifted through the smells in the air, seeking out who was near and who was not. The room smelled overpoweringly not only of himself and his mother but of Yusuke and Hiei's dually fire-like scents. Underneath that there were traces of the peaceful, pine tree scent of Genkai--of course that would be here, this was her house, he remembered now. The clear chilled scent of the ice maiden, too, and her husband; and traces of Spirit World.

There were traces of other scents, too. Blood and fear and all that came with it; and Satsuki. Kurama's breath caught in his throat when he discerned that scent. _Satsuki._ His eyes wandered, and his thoughts nearly did too; for a while, he almost fell back into that half-dreaming state, the place where nothing mattered, pushed instinctively away from awareness by that scent. But his rational mind sought to calm himself. _Satsuki is dead. You know that because of where you are, you know it because Hiei and Yusuke are alive. But that scent--ah, but it is only traces, there is no demon energy behind it._ Kurama looked down at himself. _You only smell the traces of Satsuki still on your skin and clothes._

"...Shuichi?"

Kurama's eyes refocussed. "Yes, Mother."

"They... they said you hadn't woken up yet, and they... they didn't know what had happened to you."

The question was implicit. Kurama closed his eyes briefly to gather strength. How many times--how many times would he have to put words to what had happened, put coherent thought to what had long ago become nothing but emotion to him. Might as well begin now and get used to it. "There was a man," he said slowly. "A man I killed several years ago. And his son... his son, Satsuki..."

Words were not supposed to be so difficult to say. Some part of Kurama recognized this, and strove to maintain a neutral tone. "His son Satsuki hated me. I think," and a small, insincere smile graced his lips, "I think the Toguros told him that their team would be unbeatable. I think he believed it. So when we beat them..." Kurama was silent for a moment. "It was unbelievably arrogant of us to believe we could walk away from that tournament without repercussions," he finally said. Then, as an afterthought, "I think I should warn Hiei, I think Bui had family somewhere too..."

"Hiei is outside," Shiori said quietly. "Would you like me to get him?"

Kurama grabbed her hand, swallowing hard. Dual emotions swept powerfully through him. One was a yearning for Hiei to come to him, a desperate want for his strength and companionship, but the other was fear. Fear of the Jagan and what it would see, fear of what Hiei might already know and what he could learn simply from a glance. He wondered how much Hiei had told Yusuke, or anyone, about what had happened. "I--don't want you to leave me."

Shiori smiled, and Kurama knew it had been the right thing to say. "Oh Shuichi, I'm so glad to hear you say that. They said--well, they said earlier that I couldn't help you. You only seemed to want them near."

Kurama tried to soothe his mother. "I don't remem--well, what I remember is being scared," he said truthfully. "I remember wanting them near because they were fighters, because I knew they could--protect me," he finished quietly, ashamed.

Shiori nodded. "That's what they said it was." Her voice grew reflective. "Everyone's been so kind to me, trying to make me feel useful. But the truth of the matter seems to be that I'm not the one who can help you right now. I don't understand all these things, I'm still trying to accept it all. Your friends seem to know much more and be able to help you so much better." She waited until she had her son's eyes on hers. "But no matter what's happened or how much I don't understand, I am still your mother, Shuichi, and I still love you. Let me know anything I can do help you."

Kurama closed his eyes, weakly caressing her fingers where they held his. "Please, sing to me again."

Shiori smiled, and caressed his fingers also, and began a lullaby. Kurama leaned back against the pillows, letting the melody wash over him and trying to let it make him feel safe. He was at Genkai's; Yusuke and Hiei were near. He was safe.

The rest could wait.

_A/N: I know what direction I'm going in this fic, but not the road that I'm taking there, so I'm open to hearing you guys' opinions and requests. Just be aware that I make no guarantees about granting them. _


	6. The Two Watchers

_A/N: My apologies... I meant for this chapter to explain a bit more of what happened to Kurama, but...well...it didn't. :) You'll just have to keep wondering..._

Chapter Five: The Two Watchers

"He's awake."

"Yeah?" Yusuke watched Hiei inquisitively, noting that the Jagan, while still warded, was glowing steadily. "Is he freaking out?"

"No. He's talking to his mother. She's not freaking out either," Hiei added before Yusuke could ask.

"What're they saying?"

Hiei looked mildly offended. "I'm not _listening, _Detective. There's a line between observation and invasion of privacy, and that's where I draw it. I mean, if he wanted me there it would be one thing; but he kicked us out, remember?"

"Right." Yusuke scratched the back of his head. "But, I mean, does he look okay?"

"He's not going to _be_ okay," Hiei said wearily, feeling an urge to rip his hair out.

"How do you know that, though?"

"I do." Hiei didn't elaborate further.

"You keep saying that, and not backing it up. If I didn't know any better, I'd think you didn't _want _him to be okay."

Hiei shot Yusuke a look that would have frozen hell over.

Yusuke spread his arms. "Okay, so that was a low blow, I admit. But sheesh, Hiei. I'm getting sick of hearing you say your best friend's not gonna be okay and not offering any explanation for it. Now if there's something you know that I don't, I'd like to hear it."

"Detective, the number of things I know that you don't..."

"I meant," Yusuke said, glowering, "about Kurama."

"My statement stands."

"Cut it out, Hiei," Yusuke said, stung. It hurt to remember how much more Hiei did in fact know about Kurama; hurt to recall that if they were ever to both wind up pursuing him, Yusuke wouldn't be able to compete. "You know what I'm asking. Why are you so convinced he won't be okay?"

"I'm not convinced," Hiei corrected. "You should know as well as I that we've seen the fox live when he was supposed to die before. He might pull it off again. But I prefer to prepare myself for the worst, and most likely, outcome."

"Which is?" Yusuke prompted grimly.

"That he won't ever come back to us. That he'll stay asleep or half-asleep forever; that he'll become like a child, afraid and insensible. Alternately, of course, he might give up and die; but I think you'll agree with me that the former is the worse."

"What makes you think he's going to stay that way?"

Hiei regarded Yusuke for a moment, as if deciding whether to answer. "It's something called splitting," he said finally. "It's an old technique, and I wouldn't be the least bit surprised if the fox knew how to do it. When you're being tortured, you split your mind up into different segments to protect it. You take your pride and your dignity, your mind, your soul--basically, everything that makes you who you are--and you shut it up somewhere inside yourself, hide it before the torturer can find it and break it. You only allow him access to your outer shell, to _think_ he's broken you. Then when you escape you're there waiting for yourself, whole and well."

"Kurama doesn't seem very whole and well to me."

"Yes, well, the trick is finding yourself again. If I'm not mistaken, Kurama locked himself up and then lost the key. I could see flickers of him hiding in the person who woke up and cried today--but only flickers. It's possible he'll never find his way back."

"How can we help him find his way?"

"I don't know."

They were silent for a moment. Yusuke, for his part, was glum. He wasn't sure who to turn to for answers if Hiei didn't have them. "You haven't told me everything," Yusuke finally said, quietly. "You said you knew what had happened to him."

"What?" Hiei turned his head sharply to look at Yusuke. "When?"

"Talking to Shiori. You said, 'I may be the only one who knows what's happened to him.' I'm sick of being left out, Hiei. I was there, and I deserve to know what happened."

Hiei looked away again. Yusuke almost snapped at him, but he bit his tongue. He'd known Hiei long enough to be able to read his body posture, and it was a reluctant pose Hiei was standing in, not a defiant one. He waited, and was rewarded. "I didn't mean that I knew exactly what he'd gone through." For all intents and purposes Hiei appeared to be addressing a tree, but Yusuke heard him clearly. "I only meant that none of the rest of you have experienced torture in the long term. I've been both the giver and receiver of such torture. I know no more about the bastard who did this than you do. I can take an educated guess at what happened, but I trust you don't want me to go over torture techniques with you."

"Hiei..."

"Don't." Hiei quickly and sharply trod over Yusuke's words. He knew they would have been something sympathetic or apologetic, something about having mistaken his meaning or an expression of sorrow for Hiei's past experiences with torture. Hiei was not willing to hear such words, not without the fox to help absorb the impact. He found increasingly that he was having trouble communicating with Yusuke in Kurama's absence--they needed the fox to channel any tenderness they felt for each other through, because when they tried to offer it directly to it each it more often than not came across as anger, as blows. Best not to let it get started.

He didn't know if Yusuke understood all of this, but they boy made no further attempt to reach him. "What about... I mean, have you _seen_ anything? With his memories, and everything."

Hiei turned away from the tree he'd been speaking to, feeling they were back on safer ground and it was okay to risk eye contact again. "I'm not a voyeur, Yusuke, and the Jagan isn't as omniscient as you think it is. If he were thinking about it, yes, I might pick up on something; but I'm not going to go tromping through his mind to satisfy my curiosity, or yours. Privacy is a step back towards dignity, and I'm not taking it from him."

Yusuke nodded his understanding. "There," Hiei said. "We're on equal footing now. You know what I know. Wasn't much, was it?"

"No; but it did help me understand some things."

"Hn."

They walked in silence for a moment. They had been wandering randomly through the gardens for the last several hours, having been banned from the room they'd been living in and not sure where else to be. "Still watching?" Yusuke asked at one point, and Hiei nodded.

Then, when the silence had stretched past awkward and into comfortable, Hiei suddenly stopped walking. "He wants to see us," he said.

"What?"

"He guesses that I'm watching. He asked us to come back." The two boys turned as one and went back into the shrine.


	7. Questions

A/N: Wow. I was so afraid this story would never come back to me, and then... I have parts of several future chapters written now too, so there's distinct reason to stay posted.

I realized that using italics both for thoughts and telepathy could get confusing, so I'm making a shift as of this chapter: _this_ is a thought, and _(this)_ is telepathic dialogue.

Chapter Six: Questions

When they got back to the room, it looked like it was Kurama there waiting for them. In the short few hours they'd been apart he seemed to have pulled himself together a remarkable amount--but seemed was the important word there. It was a facade, and both Hiei and Yusuke could easily see the madness lurking in the corners of those green eyes, but Shiori could not.

Which was probably why it was only a moment before Kurama gently but firmly asked his mother to leave the room. Shiori seemed worried, but Kurama put on the Good Son persona the others were so familiar with an assured her it was nothing, just demon politics she wouldn't understand, and she eventually agreed to go and give an update to her husband and stepson.

Some of the tension left with her, but not all; at the very least, everyone's eyes became a little less guarded. But there was still a moment of awkward silence before Yusuke spoke. "Are we allowed to touch you again?"

"I'd rather you didn't."

"Okay."

Yusuke and Hiei both studied Kurama, trying to assess his condition. He was definitely more coherent than he'd been before. He kept his eyes downcast, not meeting their gaze, but did not hang his head. "I suppose I have to tell you about it now," he said softly, twisting the bed sheets slightly in his hands.

"No," Yusuke corrected mildly. "You don't have to tell us anything."

"But I should, and you're going to want to know," Kurama said. "So I might as well do it now." He glanced up, and his gaze was skittish--no doubt about it, he was shaken.

Yusuke shrugged. "Tell us what you want."

"What do you want to know?"

Hiei spoke, immediately, and for the first time. "How did you get caught?"

Kurama's glance shifted from Yusuke to Hiei. He said nothing; he looked guilty. And afraid.

_(He thinks you're going to call him weak.)_ It was hard for Yusuke to initiate a telepathic conversation, much harder than replying to something Hiei had said, but he was getting better at it. (_Reassure him.)_

_(No.)_

_(Bastard_.)

"It wasn't Shiori, if that's what you're thinking," Kurama finally said, unaware of the mental side talk. "It was a trap, but she wasn't the bait."

"What was, then?" Mentally, only to Yusuke, Hiei added, _(Even if I felt the slightest compunction to reassure him, he'd know I was faking it. I'm not going to patronize him.)_

"Someone else," Kurama answered evasively. "I was afraid for her, and then... by the time I realized it was a trap set for me, there were wards."

"Who was it?" Hiei demanded, unwilling to let it drop.

"Yukina."

Hiei shut up as effectively as if slapped. There was deafening silence for a moment; then Kurama went on speaking, and Yusuke glanced worriedly between them. "He knew that my best weapon is my mind. He kept me in enough pain that I couldn't think, couldn't straighten my thoughts enough to even conceive of escape."

"Who _was_ the bastard?" Yusuke said, when it was clear Kurama had at least paused if not stopped. "What did he want with you anyway?"

Kurama smiled feebly, not looking at either of them and twisting the bed sheets slightly in his hands. "He was Karasu's son."

He seemed to think that answered both parts of Yusuke's question, the second by implication, and did not elaborate. When neither Yusuke nor Hiei spoke he said, quietly, "What else do you want to know."

"Look, we don't have to do this now--"

"Yes, we do, Yusuke." Kurama's tone was firm. "I only want to have this conversation once; you rescued me and you both deserve to know. So please ask your questions."

Yusuke glanced at Hiei hopefully--that last bit had sounded very much like the Kurama he knew, not some fragmented half-child. But Hiei wouldn't look at him. His posture radiated guilt and impotent anger. (_He would have acted the same way if she wasn't your sister, Hiei.)_ Hiei said nothing.

"Stop talking about me," Kurama said testily.

"What?"

"I don't know if you're using telepathy, but I am in the room, I can see you look at each other. So please stop conferring about me as though I'm not here."

"I want to know," Hiei said, quietly and intently, "what that bastard did to you."

The tension in the room ratcheted up dramatically; the air was suddenly heavy with it. Kurama swallowed before attempting to answer Hiei casually. "I believe," he said, "that you are familiar with most torture techniques."

"What was the point of torturing you?"

"That I don't know. He never... asked anything... except..."

"Except what?" Hiei's prompt was sharp.

Kurama shrugged, back to toying with the sheets. "Personal things. Nothing... nothing like what you would ask if you were torturing someone for information, nothing I... care to repeat... but it wasn't the point...just questions--"

Hiei cut him off again. "You're babbling. Try not to think about it, or you're going to loose what coherency you've regained," he advised.

Kurama bit his lip. Obedient to Kurama's request that they not use telepathy anymore, Yusuke voiced his annoyance aloud. "Gotta say, Hiei, you've got a hell of a bedside manner." Hiei gave his trademark grunt. "Where's all that tenderness you showed when he was asleep?"

"Detective," Hiei growled, warning Yusuke off the subject. He'd off course be irate that Yusuke had implied he was tender, but it was worth it for the trace of a smile that briefly crossed Kurama's face. "Kurama has not answered my question yet," he continued, in a more normal tone. "What did he do?"

Kurama studied Hiei for a few minutes, and his gaze was steady, not skittish. "I'm sorry, Hiei. There's only a certain extent to which your rescuing me entitles you to know what happened, and I'm not prepared to go into the details you're asking for."

Yusuke blinked--and didn't say anything. He could tell Hiei and Kurama were shaping up for a real row, and his first instinct was to block it--but Kurama, though he'd said he was sorry, did not sound sorry at all. He sounded composed, defiant--alive. He sounded like himself. Was it possible Hiei was deliberately courting his anger?

"Don't offer information you're not going to give, then," Hiei shot back. "You said you'd answer our questions."

"I said to ask them. I didn't guarantee I'd answer."

"You implied that you would. I want to know what was done to you because of my sister's name."

Kurama raised his chin defiantly. "No."

Hiei glared at him, but he seemed to have run out of words. _(Try telling him that since you rescued him he has to answer,)_ Yusuke suggested.

_(You shut the hell up, detective.)_ "I would think that having saved you would guarantee you would answer my questions." Yusuke turned away to hide a smile.

"You would be a real idiot, then," Kurama replied, and Yusuke smothered a second smile with much more difficulty than the first. "I'm not going to tell you anything and everything just because I owe you. Now, Hiei, do you have any more questions, since we established that I'm not going to answer that one?"

"Just one. Does Karasu have any other descendants?"

"I don't know."

"Don't lie to me, fox."

"What would make you think I was lying?" Kurama replied, anger and frustration pitching his voice higher.

Hiei paused. "Fine." He walked to the door.

"Where are you going?" Yusuke asked.

"To find out," Hiei replied without turning around, and then he was gone.

Yusuke and Kurama looked at each other. "He really does care, in his own way," Kurama offered. "I wouldn't want him to coddle me anyway."

_At least you sound like yourself again_, Yusuke thought. _The fight may have been worth that._ He crossed to the edge of the bed and sat on it. "Well, I've got a few more questions."

"Go ahead."

"Are you alright?"

The gentle sincerity with which Yusuke asked the question, and looked at Kurama after he asked it, momentarily floored his companion. "No," Kurama answered after a moment. "But I think I will be."

"And is it alright if _I _coddle you?"

Another ghost of a smile. "Okay."

"Okay," Yusuke echoed, smoothing Kurama's hair back. "Then I'm done with my questions."


	8. Scent

_A/N: I do seem to get these little bursts where everything I've been working on gets finished at the same time. Enjoy it while it lasts, folks. :)_

Chapter Eight: Scent

_Two Days Later_

There were two men in the room, and both were silent. The larger, muscular one was hunched over in his chair, fingers knotted together and a brooding expression on his face. The one who had become skeletal in the past months lay silently in bed, trying to be patient, not looking at the carrot top and allowing him time to collect his thoughts.

Finally, Kuwabara spoke. "Kurama, I--" He leaned forward, finally willing to meet Kurama's eyes. "I'm so sorry I--"

"It's alright, Kuwabara," Kurama said, gently and firmly. "I would not have wanted you to abandon your wife and your responsibilities to go on a wild goose chase."

"But we're a team," Kuwabara said raggedly. "Or at least we were. And I should have come to find you!"

"No, you did exactly what you should have done." Kurama hated that his voice was raspy, and tired, because he needed all his powers of persuasion to soothe his friend's guilt away. "You can't always abandon everything when an old friend calls. I did that at the Makai Tournament and it was nearly disastrous. Please, Kuwabara, please don't feel guilty. You did exactly what I would have wanted and expected you to do."

"But... I..."

"Watched over my mother," Kurama finished quietly. "And you can never know how much that means to me."

There was a longer space of silence; then Kuwabara finally nodded. Kurama knew his dutiful friend's feelings of guilt weren't fully absolved, but it was a good start. He would trust Yukina to do the rest.

They spoke a few moments more, of common acquaintances and trivial news. Kurama was comforted by his old friend's presence, but Kuwabara's voice was too hushed, his words too careful, and it wearied the fox to be so cosseted. He told Kuwabara he was tired and Kuwabara immediately and courteously left.

Kurama took a minute to mentally prepare himself before attempting to get out of bed and over to the bathroom. He struggled to his feet and swayed back and forth for a minute, holding onto the headboard until he could gain his balance. Shakily, he took two steps forward.

He would have fallen on the third, but just before he lost his balance the warmth of another body materialized and Hiei steadied him. Kurama gave a small sigh. He couldn't, and wouldn't, try to make Hiei understand that he would rather fall than constantly accept another's aide, know he was constantly watched. Between their argument and the safety restrictions Hiei had curtly imposed on him--near constant surveillance with the Jagan, badgering him with telepathy on those occasions when his third eye wasn't watching, and the silent physical aide whenever Kurama was about to fall--Kurama was experiencing small fantasies about throwing Hiei through a window. Without opening it first.

But they were small fantasies only, because Kurama was so grateful for his anger, and grateful to Hiei for culling and encouraging it. With everyone else so extremely sympathetic and careful of him it would have been impossible for Kurama to express or even feel anything approaching anger or rage without a target. Hiei was willing to be that target. And beneath the rage, Kurama loved him deeply for it.

Hiei helped him to the bathroom without comment. The two of them weren't speaking much these days. Hiei had returned before nightfall on the day Kurama had first woken up, spattered with blood and looking smug. Even under intense interrogation from Yusuke the most he would say was that Karasu had no living descendants. Whether or not that had been true before he acquired the bloodstains no one could get out of him. Since then he had been even more reserved than usual, only speaking to Kurama to provoke a fight.

Kurama would have gone crazy shortly after waking up if Yusuke hadn't been there. If Yusuke was feeling guilty or angry, he was doing a great job of hiding it. And he was talking to Kurama like a capable adult, not a child or a senile man on his deathbed. He had not asked any questions since getting permission to coddle Kurama, not even the courteous _are you comfortable_s or _is there anything I can get for you_s that his other friends and family plagued him with. Yet Yusuke was just as good at Hiei at providing help without Kurama having to ask for it, and he did so casually, without interrupting the flow of conversation, almost like an itch he was scratching--so far below the level of being remarkable that he barely thought of it.

Though Hiei was irritating the hell out of him, Yusuke was not, because it was in Yusuke's nature to help people and so Kurama could almost convince himself that no special care was being taken for him. Hiei could never have pulled off the same thing, so he courted Kurama's anger, silently also helping as he did so.

(_Did you fall in?)_

Kurama ground his teeth together. Hiei was fond of this question. He seemed to find Kurama's newfound skin-and-bones look amusing, and never failed if Kurama was in the bathroom for longer than a minute to inquire, with mock courtesy, if he had fallen into the toilet. (_I'm going to take a bath,)_ Kurama replied, even his mental tone sounding irritated.

_(You know the rules.)_

_(So do you._) The rules were that as long as Hiei had no reason to believe Kurama was in distress, he would keep his Jagan shut while Kurama attended to personal needs. Yusuke and Shiori had both offered help, and Kurama knew Hiei would have helped also, but he refused to have someone keep an eye on him while he bathed, whether that eye was natural or implanted. It meant that his baths took forever and left him exhausted, but it was where he drew the line.

_(Kurama?)_

(_I'm here. I haven't even gotten the water on yet.)_ Getting into the bathtub was difficult. Kurama wished for some of those side rails you saw in wheelchair accessible restrooms, to help lift and lower himself. Of course what he really wished was that he could stand long enough to take a shower, to get his hair decently clean and maybe be able to just scrub and scrub at his body like he wanted to. As it was, he was bathing at least twice a day.

_(Kurama?)_

_(I'm here.)_ Kurama made a face as he realized how badly his arms shook as he turned the faucets on. He hated his weakness. During his incarceration it hadn't mattered, he hadn't been able to care how dirty he became or how little he was able to help himself, how humiliating anything and everything was. Those parts of himself had been locked away, and now they were free and smarting with every move he made.

But he refused to lock them back up. Even if he died now he would die as Kurama. He knew from hints Yusuke had inadvertently dropped that Hiei was worried Kurama would remain hidden and never come fully back to himself, always remain half a child. He could tell it worried Yusuke, too, though they didn't speak of it. Their worry was the best thing that could have happened, because it kept them on the lookout and made them able to help him stay together, stay sane.

_(Kurama?)_

_(I'm here.) _Of course, it was entirely possible that at least _one_ of them would drive him into insanity instead of pull him out of it. Kurama was of the opinion that Hiei sat around with a wristwatch and spoke to him every minute, on the minute. And yet, despite his irritation, Kurama understood and agreed with Hiei's rules. Passing out and drowning in a bathtub would be a rather ignominious death for one who had escaped it so many times.

But Kurama did not fear death so much as madness. And madness seemed much more imminent.

_(Kurama?)_

_(I'm here.) _Kurama struggled to pull his thoughts away from dangerous territory, tried to get himself focused on the physical again. Worrying about his friends, thinking about their actions, was fine; thinking about himself was not. He needed to focus on what he was doing, just focus on bathing.

But bathing was where the seeds of madness lay. Kurama could not get Satsuki's scent off him.

_(Kurama?)_

_(I'm here.)_ Part of him was aware, or at least suspected, why it was that Satsuki's scent clung so stubbornly. But he was unable to think about that without getting caught in a protective mental loop steering him far away, into pleasant recollections and meaningless thoughts... into madness. He tried to ignore the scent, but he couldn't. It only reminded him. So he found himself bathing compulsively, scrubbing at his skin, frustrated at his weakness and his obsessive actions and his inability to be clean.

_(Kurama?)_

_(I'm here.) _Kurama had not talked to anyone about Satsuki's scent, not even to Hiei and Yusuke. He wanted to know what they thought, if they had any ideas how to get rid of it, but he was too afraid--afraid that they would not know what he was talking about. Afraid it was all in his mind, and there was no scent. So no one spoke about it and Kurama kept his fears to himself, where they compounded and sent him spinning further and further into himself, stumbling and needing an anchor to keep him from completely falling--

_(Kurama?)_

_(... I'm here.)_


	9. Fraying Thin

_Yes, I am the updater of four fics in tw days. Worship me. _

_This chapter was hard work, but worth it. A major amount of stuff happens and also we finally gets some yaoi, yes, precious, we does... eh, sorry, fandom flashback for a second there... I also apologize in advance for the evil cliffie at the end of this chapter, and promise in compensation that the next chapter shall rock. _

Chapter Nine: Fraying Thin

Slowly, life settled into something resembling a routine.

The population of the shrine gradually began decreasing. Unable to miss any more work or school, respectively, Hatanaka and Shuuichi returned to the city. Shiori, of course, could not be pried from her son's side. Yusuke noticed, however, that Kurama treated her much the same as he had before she knew about his other life. Loving, and gentle, but polite and distant. He could not let her completely inside his facade, and as such, she could not truly help him heal.

Hatanaka called every night, and Shiori would talk to him quietly for a few minutes and then hand the phone to Kurama, who would exchange a few words with him and then Shuuichi, acting loving and gentle, polite, distant.

Yukina remained at the shrine, though Kurama beseeched her to return to the city with Kuwabara. Kuwabara himself still came every day, but he seemed to intuit Kurama's desire to be alone and did not plague him with too much attention, instead spending his time with his wife. Botan came by every day as well but didn't stay long, realizing what Yukina couldn't bring herself to realize: that neither of them could heal Kurama.

Koenma came by often enough to show support but no more than that, probably due to Hiei's habit of growling when he came into the room (Hiei being of the opinion that Koenma had not been helpful enough in their search for Kurama). And Genkai kept mostly to herself, also realizing that her skills were not required.

Yusuke and Hiei, of course, stayed very close. They took turns making sure one of them was always with Kurama and as such didn't see much of each other, which was okay by Yusuke. He'd had months of Hiei's unmitigated presence while they hunted for Kurama, and when you combined that with Hiei's recent more-than-average surliness and his position as the chief rival for Yusuke's unconfessed love interest's heart, Yusuke was perfectly content to see less of him.

The weekend brought a stream of visitors up to the shrine. Hatanaka and Shuuichi returned early Saturday morning and left late Sunday afternoon, both of them troubled by their adopted family member's quietness. Keiko and Shizuru came up together, Keiko bearing baked goods and Shizuru her hairdressing equipment. Kurama allowed and even seemed to appreciate her snipping his mane back into its previously well-maintained state, but Yusuke noticed him clenching his teeth. Keiko offered, through subtle signals, to take Yusuke aside and listen to him vent, but while he was grateful for her support he gently deflected her. Yuu Kaito showed up the same day bearing word from Kurama's professors and a chess set, and left several hours later smug that he had beaten Kurama in three out of five games, unaware Kurama had allowed him to win.

Hiei and Yusuke both balked when Yomi and Shura arrived the next day and would have sent them away without Kurama's knowledge, but Kurama picked up both of their sudden emotional swings and came to see what was wrong. He acted just as polite and pleased to see them as he had with everyone else. And just as with everyone else, he was tired and listless after they left.

Perhaps because he was doing so much talking to everyone else, reassuring them he was fine and he was recovering when in fact he was neither, Kurama became gradually more and more silent with Yusuke. It was more or less a comfortable silence; they sat for hours without speaking, reading separate books or listening to music or playing a game, and every so often a gentle touch would pass between them to say _I care, I'm still here_, and that was all.

One time when Kurama was so tired he couldn't hide that he was in pain, Yusuke'd had him stretch out on the couch with his head in Yusuke's lap and read aloud to him for a few hours, and after gradually relaxing Kurama fell asleep that way. It made Yusuke feel warm.

But one night when he woke up and decided to check on Kurama, he found Hiei was in bed with him. It didn't look overtly sexual, but neither did it look entirely innocent. Hiei was leaning against the pillows, halfway reclined, and Kurama was curled up with his head resting on Hiei's stomach, arms around Hiei's waist. Even as they both slept deeply, undisturbed by Yusuke's familiar presence, Hiei kept one hand protectively curled over Kurama's neck. Yusuke couldn't tell if there was lust in their pose, but he'd be a fool to deny there was love. He went away with his heart aching.

Despite this apparent affection, Hiei and Kurama continued to be at odds with each other during daylight hours. Yusuke knew Kurama was of the opinion Hiei was deliberately provoking his anger, and agreed with him, but also thought there was a deeper motivation behind Hiei's snappishness. Guilt. Nothing further had been said on the subject of Yukina having been the one used as bait for Kurama, but Yusuke wasn't stupid enough to think it wasn't preying on Hiei's mind. Hiei and Kurama shared the deplorable trait of sucking up every available particle of guilt, like a vacuum cleaner, and attaching it inexorably to themselves. Yusuke sometimes wondered which of them had learned it from the other.

Yusuke let Hiei deal with the guilt on his own, partly because he knew this was how Hiei dealt with things best and partly because he was not overly fond of him at the moment, until he realized Kurama was starting to worry over it. Not being inclined to let that continue, Yusuke waited for a time when Shiori was engaging Kurama's attention and then unobtrusively excused himself to hunt the fire demon down.

He found Hiei outside, going through a series of lightning-fast practices with his katana and denuding several of Genkai's nearby plants in the process. "Somehow I don't think Genkai's gonna appreciate that," Yusuke said, by way of announcing his presence.

Hiei paused, his stance easy and breathing unlabored despite the sweat pouring off his body. "Let the fox fix it, then," he said dismissively.

Yusuke grinned and rubbed the back of his neck. "You know, Hiei, you make me laugh sometimes. You pretend to be this absolute asshole--and believe me, you do a really good job of it--but every stupid or mean thing you do has a reason behind it. You piss Kurama off so that he won't retreat back into himself. You destroy Genkai's plants so he'll have to use his healing energy to restore them before she notices, and maybe he'll start healing himself in the process. I'm half convinced you've been goading Kuwabara all these years to help him improve."

"Believe what you want, Detective," Hiei said disdainfully. "I can't control the altruistic daydreams you project onto my actions. But when all's said and done, you're a sentimental fool."

"Altruistic, big word there Hiei."

"It means selfless, idiot."

"I know what it means, jerk." Both epithets were said without heat. "You know, Hiei, you really need to ease off the I'm-pissed-at-you routine. Kurama's starting to think you actually are."

Hiei snorted. "No, he's not."

That was the problem with bluffing to Hiei about Kurama--he knew Kurama far too well to be fooled, and wasn't afraid to call the bluff. "Well, then maybe you should cut out the guilt-ridden, over-protective big brother act instead. Oh, wait, that one's not an act."

"Watch your volume," Hiei growled quietly, his Jagan glowing briefly under his ward to see if anyone was near enough to have overheard him.

"Hey, sorry," Yusuke said with a shrug, lowering his voice. "It's just that you've gotta stop beating yourself up over something that wasn't your fault, and probably isn't important anyway."

"Which is?"

"That Yukina was the one Satsuki threatened. It doesn't have anything to do with you?"

"Doesn't it? I really don't think Kurama would have acted how he did if it hadn't been my sister." Apparently they were alone, for Hiei to admit to that aloud.

"Sure he would have," Yusuke countered. "He would have done the same for Botan, or Keiko, or hell, even if it was you or me and he knew we could defend ourselves. It's just the kind of person he is."

Hiei looked away, clearly unmoved. Yusuke blew air out through his lips. "Look. Kurama's been really careful with his mother since the Dark Tournament and especially since all that crap with Yomi. This freak knew he couldn't get to Shiori. I don't know if he knew about your relation to Yukina or if he just picked someone in Kurama's circle of friends who wasn't a fighter, but either way it doesn't matter. Kurama would have done that for any one of us."

Hiei didn't look at him, and didn't quite respond on topic. "Whether he knew about the relation or not before he threatened her, he knew it before he died."

Anger seized Yusuke. "You think Kurama _told_ him?"

Hiei did turn to him then, his face unguarded, and Yusuke saw pity on it. "Kurama told him everything he knew," he said quietly. "Stop harboring your illusions, Yusuke," he added, his voice even but with a hint of gentleness. "It will let your enemies know you've never been tortured." And he walked away, hands in his pockets, as cold and unmoved as ever.

Yusuke watched him move off, shaking slightly, unsure whether to call after him or not. He was certain he hadn't made any progress with Hiei's guilt and part of him wanted to follow and somehow help him, or at the very least make him see how his pain was hurting the rest of them. But another part of him, sudden and without thought, demanded that he go to Kurama. He wanted to see Kurama, wanted to hold him, wanted it deeply and beyond his ability to deny. His feet took him inside.

Kurama had fallen into a light sleep but Shiori was still with him, keeping her hands busy with a crochet hook as she watched over her son. She smiled when Yusuke came in, but the smile quickly faded and was replaced with a look of--compassion? Yusuke realized he must look as rattled as he felt. "Would you like to be alone with him?" Shiori asked gently.

"Yeah," Yusuke admitted, hating that his needs were so transparent.

Shiori rose without further comment, gathering her yarn. But before she left she stopped in front of Yusuke, and placed a light hand on his shoulder. "You're taking such good care of my son," she said sincerely. "I know there are things I can't do for him or give to him, things he needs. I won't interfere with any time you need with him, or anything that should happen between you."

She left, leaving an even more rattled Yusuke in her wake. Had she guessed he had feelings for Kurama? Was he that obvious? He sometimes thought from the way Hiei looked at him that Hiei knew; but that could just be paranoia, since Yusuke anticipated Hiei declaring war on him if he ever made a move on Kurama. He hadn't thought anyone else had noticed. If Shiori knew... and approved...

He slowly settled himself into the seat Shiori had vacated, and only then noticed that Kurama's eyes were open. How much of the conversation had he overheard; had be really been asleep at all, or just dozing? "Hello Yusuke," he said quietly.

When Yusuke didn't reply Kurama turned onto his side to look at him better. "Something's troubling you."

"Hiei," Yusuke replied absently.

"Is it really Hiei?"

_Okay--I really am transparent_. But then, Kurama had always been good a reading people, and posing the type of questions that were gentle but still had a sting to them. Yusuke brightened slightly on realizing what a Kurama-like thing it was to do, but deflated when he realized he still had to answer the question. "Well--partly."

Kurama sighed, turning on his back again and contemplating the ceiling for a minute. "Perhaps you two should start giving each other the care you both need so desperately," he finally stated dryly, "and leave me to lick my own wounds in peace for awhile."

For some reason, Yusuke's anger rose. He wasn't sure if it was the implication that he needed care, or that Hiei should be the one to give it, or that they should leave Kurama alone when he so obviously wasn't recovered. "Perhaps it's none of your business," he retorted.

"Perhaps."

Kurama's calm acceptance only served to make Yusuke angrier. Anger, he realized, was a luxury he had not been permitting himself much of since Kurama'd woken up, and now it was getting the better of him. "Stop shutting me out," he warned.

Kurama's look was one of incomprehension. Emotion swamped Yusuke, anger and frustration and fear and pain all wrapped together, and he reached out and grabbed Kurama by the shoulders. He only stopped himself at the last second from shaking the still frail body. Instead he drew Kurama close to his chest, startled and terrified at how close he'd come to hurting him.

"Yusuke?" Kurama's confused voice was muffled against Yusuke's chest, his face pressed against it, but he didn't try to regain his personal space. Was that because he was comfortable being held by Yusuke, or just because he was too heartbreakingly weak to move away?

"Why won't anyone tell me what's going on," Yusuke asked raggedly, his voice hardly above a whisper, barely aware he was speaking out loud. "Why won't anyone tell me what happened."

Kurama shifted slightly in Yusuke's embrace to be able to look up at him. His face held the same compassion Shiori's had, only it was layered with sorrow, and understanding. "Some things are not fit to be spoken of," he replied quietly.

"I can help you," Yusuke said, knowing even as he offered it was useless.

"You are helping," Kurama reassured him.

"I can help better if I--"

"Yusuke." Kurama placed a finger over Yusuke's lips. "Enough."

Yusuke moved Kurama's hand away, and took it in his own. Kurama gave him a small smile that didn't fool him in the least. "It's not enough," Yusuke realized.

The silence following this statement was heavy with tension. Yusuke was sure at least some of it was due to how much physical contact they were in. He was pretty sure some emotions he would have rather kept under wraps were showing; after all, he was holding Kurama so close that he could feel Kurama's breath on his face. At least Kurama was not tense, not resisting. He was looking at Yusuke sadly--as if he cared.

Yusuke felt a lump rising in his throat. "Kurama--I--"

"Shh." Kurama squeezed Yusuke's hand briefly. "It's alright."

And just like that, the last of the anger dissipated, leaving Yusuke suddenly close to tears. He was definitely experiencing an emotional overload. But still, what part of this was it exactly that was supposed to be alright? That Kurama was hurting? That Yusuke was unable to help him? That Hiei was hurting, and neither of them could help him? That Yusuke, himself, was hurting?

"It's alright," Kurama repeated, to be met with Yusuke's silence and shallow breathing as he fought back tears. And then Kurama leaned forward, and gently kissed the corner of Yusuke's mouth.

Yusuke turned his head just enough to return the kiss. Kurama didn't pull back. Hardly daring to believe in what was happening, Yusuke cautiously deepened the kiss, moving his lips gently. Kurama responded in kind.

Yusuke had dreamed a thousand times of kissing Kurama, but of course no dream could ever accurately predict the reality. Kurama's kiss was gentler, more submissive, than the one Yusuke had always imagined, but that did not detract from its pleasure. And any hesitance on his part could be chalked up to his recent ordeal. Yusuke deepened the kiss further, readjusting his arms to pull Kurama even closer against him, and Kurama sighed into his mouth, moving with him willingly.

It felt right--so terribly, terribly right. But he knew it was not. Because even as he threatened to lose all sense of anything beyond the kiss, an image flashed through his mind. Of Kurama sleeping peacefully, deeply, in Hiei's arms; and of Hiei also at peace for once, his expression cleared of its usual pain as he held the fox.

Yusuke was not the one this belonged to. And he knew it.

Using every ounce of will he possessed, Yusuke gently separated his lips from Kurama's. "I can't," he gasped.

Kurama didn't say anything. He looked sorrowful, but accepting, and Yusuke realized he understood. Understood everything. "I'm sorry," Yusuke murmured, hurriedly extricating himself from Kurama, who clung to him just slightly. He pressed a kiss to Kurama's forehead, and then hurried from the room before he could lose his will to do so.


	10. Best Friends

_Kind of a short one here... and I can't seem to stop with the cliffies, there's at least one more coming after this... but at least I'm keeping you interested, neh? For the record, the ratings are going to go up after this chapter, so be prepared for language and content._

Chapter Ten: Best Friends

Yusuke's head was still spinning from the aborted kiss and he had barely made it out of the temple and into the gardens when he was confronted by an infuriated fire demon. Hiei was as angry as Yusuke had ever seen him, literally shaking with it. "What the _hell_ do you think you're doing!?"

Yusuke didn't even pause to wonder why Hiei'd _had_ to have be watching that little bit of idiocy--he just babbled. "Hiei, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to kiss him, it just happened--"

"Get back in there!"

They stared at each other for a moment--Hiei enraged, and Yusuke dumbfounded, until realization suddenly dawned on Hiei. "You think I'm mad because you _kissed_ him? I'm mad because you walked _out_ on him!"

"But--"

"If I was going to kiss him, I would have done it years ago! _He_, however, kissed _you_. And you ran out of the room. Can you imagine what he's feeling!?"

Yusuke was too astounded to react to Hiei's fury. "You--don't love him?"

Hiei gave him a long, hard look. "I said," he growled, "that if I was going to kiss him, I would have done so years ago."

Which was, Yusuke realized almost instantly, an evasion from answering his question. "He _is_, however, my friend," Hiei continued. "And if you hurt him like this, I will kill you."

Yusuke couldn't help himself. He sat down, hard, on the pavement. He was so confused he was actually dizzy.

He knew Hiei well enough to tell when a threat was for real and when it was just a threat. And what Hiei was doing right now wasn't even so much threatening him as simply informing him of a fact. If Yusuke hurt Kurama, Hiei would kill him. If Hiei thought Yusuke was--was breaking Kurama's heart... then he would do anything to make sure it didn't happen.

Including allowing his own heart to break.

Hiei was looking at him with disdain. "Are you ill?" he asked, his tone scathing.

Yusuke said the first thing that came to his mind, which was, "You love Kurama."

"I am not under discussion here, Detective. He loves you. You return to him, immediately, or I will make you regret it."

"But Kurama doesn't love me. He loves you."

"Yusuke, you are operating under serious misconceptions," Hiei said, seeming torn between exasperation and fury. "And they are causing Kurama to get hurt in a time when he can_not_ tolerate any more pain! So cease this foolishness, now."

"You're the one who's being foolish, Hiei! You're the one with three eyes--can't you see _anything?_" A hint of beseeching entered Yusuke's voice. "Can't you see how much he loves you?"

Hiei turned his back on Yusuke. Swiftly, and without comment, which Yusuke had learned was Hiei's method of hiding an emotion that had become too volatile for him to keep off his face. "Not once, in the entire course of our relationship, has he moved to kiss me or held me as closely as he just held you, Detective." Hiei's tone was neutral. "Don't you think that if he wanted to, he would have done so by now?"

"No," Yusuke replied stubbornly. "Not if he thought it would anger you, or frighten you off. He loves you so much that he'd rather keep what he has of you than risk losing you completely."

Hiei snorted dismissively. "You really are an idiot."

"You're the idiot." Yusuke was getting angry, and he got back to his feet, stalking around to get in Hiei's face. "Do I have to spell this all out for you? I care about Kurama, I really do, I'd rather be with him than any other person on this whole damned planet, but I can't do that because he doesn't really want me. He only turned to me because he needs comfort. You're the one he's always wanted, he told me so--"

Yusuke cut himself off, but it was too late. Hiei turned to him swiftly. "He told--?"

Yusuke's throat started to constrict. "So many fucking years ago," he said, allowing himself to revisit a memory that was painful, though it hadn't been a painful experience--he hadn't cared so much for Kurama then. "The day I met him, in fact. You remember he thought he was going to die, and, well--the way he talked to me, it was like I was his suicide note. He didn't leave anything out. He talked about you some--he wanted you, even all the way back then. And you've never given him one damned reason to hope. That's the only reason he kissed me. That's all."

Yusuke had meant to be angry. But al he managed at the end was despair--despair for the hopelessness of Hiei and Kurama's love for each other, if neither of them could be made to admit it, and despair for himself as well, in love with somebody who was in love with his best friend.

Hiei looked completely blindsided. It was one of very few times Yusuke'd seen him allow himself the luxury of experiencing shock. Yusuke waited for Hiei to be ready to speak; then, when it looked like that moment might never come, Yusuke prompted him. "Why haven't you ever allowed him to love you?

Hiei only looked at him mutely. For once Yusuke knew he was silent not because he was being stubborn, but because he actually had nothing to say. When he finally managed a response, it was subdued. "Even if that's true, I'm not a good mate for Kurama. I don't live here in his precious human world, I don't understand his human side. And I still believe if he wanted me that way he would have... He's obviously interested in you. I suggest you pursue him." Hiei's tone was not a suggestion.

Nonetheless, Yusuke folded his arms resolutely across his chest. "Can't."

"And why not?" Hiei's voice was low and heavy with threat.

"'Cause I'm not as crazy about honor as you and Kuwabara, but even I won't go after someone my best friend's in love with. That's just low."

Hiei stared at him, blinking. Yusuke elaborated. "You're in love with Kurama, even if you won't admit it. And you're my best friend, even if I don't like to admit it. So whatever I feel about the situation, Kurama's off-limits to me. And I suggest _you_ pursue him."

Hiei scowled at him, but spoke in an even tone, as if he was making certain he understood. "So... it's dishonorable to court a person your best friend loves, even if that friend has denied all claim to him?"

Yusuke nodded, relieved that he seemed to be getting through to Hiei. But then Hiei crossed his arms in an exact parody of Yusuke's stance and said, "Well, then I can't pursue Kurama."

"...Why?!"

"Because you're in love with him."

Yusuke stopped for a moment, as if hit with a bucket of cold water. "No... I'm not."

"You are, and you have been for some time. Lie to yourself if you must, but don't lie to me."

Yusuke didn't say anything for a minute. Then, slowly and quietly, he began to chuckle.

"What could possibly be funny?" Hiei asked sharply.

"This... really sucks for Kurama."

For a minute Yusuke thought Hiei was going to get angry, but then the smaller demon's shoulders lost their tension. "Hn."

"I mean... it sucks to be us, but it _really_ sucks to be Kurama--and he needs someone so badly right now..." The irony was horrible, but Yusuke couldn't stop laughing.

"Then go to him," Hiei suggested softly.

Yusuke shook his head. "Can't." He realized how painfully close laughing can come to crying.

Hiei sighed, and moved to sit on the retaining wall just behind Yusuke. "Well--we've got to do something."

"Yeah, but what? I mean--do we let him choose?"

Hiei shook his head. "If he thinks he'll hurt one of us he'll just deny us both."

"And then he'll think we both resent him and push us even farther away from him, and we'll be worse off than we were before," Yusuke realized. "Man--this is too complicated for me."

Hiei didn't say anything. Just sat there with a look of concentration on his face, no longer angry. He was thinking through the problem like he might think his way through an enemy's defenses, looking only for a way for Kurama to be happy. His own happiness was obviously not a factor in the equation, or he would have pursued Kurama years ago. _I guess that's real love_, Yusuke thought, _ wanting someone to be happy no matter what, even wanting them to be happy if it's without you. _Sometimes Hiei's nobility surprised him. Sometimes it overwhelmed him.

_I would do anything for him_, Yusuke realized suddenly, looking at Hiei. He'd discovered that he'd do anything for Kurama when the kitsune had been kidnapped, but he'd never had the opportunity to wonder about Hiei before. Now he knew. He would do anything for either of them, and he wanted them to be happy no matter what. But because they cared about him, they wouldn't pursue their own happiness. Because they would do anything to see him happy.

Hiei finally noticed Yusuke was staring at him and gave him a perturbed look. "What?"

"I have--kind of a crazy idea."

"If it's not about Kurama, I don't even want to hear it."

"I think it'll help him, actually."

"Then spit it out already."

Yusuke didn't say anything--he just leaned over, seeing Hiei's eyes go wide a second before he kissed him.


	11. Forms of Communication

_Okay... I hope 4 updates in a row (2 more are very, very close on the heels of this one) makes up for being gone for six weeks, and I hope everyone had a happier, less hectic holiday season than I did. And I know this is yet another evil cliffie, I swear I'm almost out of them... almost. ;)_

Chapter Eleven: Forms of Communication

_Song. No, no song here, just the memory of song. And memory of... of what? Of windowsills, sunshine, flowers, schoolbooks... before..._

"Fox. Snap out of it."

_Shiori, singing. What a beautiful dream. But how much of it was a dream, then? If this is real... how much was a dream?_

"Kurama--I am going to punch you. Hard. And you had better stop me because you know bloody well I'm not going to hold back. Here it comes."

Kurama reacted at the last second, bringing his hand in front of his face. Hiei had lied--he had held back on the punch, or Kurama would not have been able to block it with his atrophied muscles. Still, it would have hurt if it had connected.

Then Kurama blinked, and looked at Hiei. "What happened?"

"You were drifting," Hiei explained simply. "I told you I would punch you and you woke up enough to stop me."

After a moment's thought Kurama realized he remembered that. "There's got to be better ways of waking me up."

"It took us four damn days to get you up last time; this time it took thirty seconds. I think it's better."

Kurama sat half-way up, resting his back against the pillows. "How long was I..."

Hiei shrugged. "Not long. Yusuke was with you a few hours ago."

Yusuke's name caused swift remembrance, and even as Kurama experienced several emotions simultaneously--regret, pain, desire, duty, mostly regret--he saw Hiei watching carefully for his reaction.

Kurama pulled his knees up to his chest and laid his forehead on them so he wouldn't have to look at Hiei. The guarded way in which Hiei watched him let Kurama know beyond doubt that Hiei was aware of what had happened. Kurama had hoped to put off seeing Hiei until he figured out exactly why he had kissed Yusuke. Certainly he'd been attracted to him for a long time, but his attraction to Hiei predated and outweighed it, and there was a certain understanding between the two demons. Of course he and Hiei had never spoken of it, but many things went unspoken between them and were still very real. In a sense, he belonged to Hiei, and in a sense he had betrayed him.

"Why are you upset?" Hiei's tone was neutral, artificially stripped of emotion.

"What makes you think that I am?" Kurama's tone matched Hiei's.

"It could have something to do with the way you're hiding your face and curled up into a little ball--but disregarding that, you were drifting." Now a hint of anger entered Hiei's tone. "You were splitting yourself again, and you know damned well that's the last thing you should do. You'll go mad. Did what happened with Yusuke really upset you that much?"

Since Hiei had been the one to bring it up, Kurama answered honestly. "What happened with Yusuke didn't upset me. It's what's going to happen with you that's upsetting me."

Kurama still had his forehead to his knees, but he felt the bed shift just enough to indicate that Hiei had sat next to him. "And what is it you think is going to happen with me?"

Kurama found he didn't know how to answer, so he didn't. When the silence made it evident he had no reply, Hiei spoke again. "Yusuke and I had a long talk."

"Please tell me it was only talking."

"Well..."

His misery increasing, Kurama inquired, "Who hit who first?"

"Nobody hit anybody. Stop being so pessimistic.'

Kurama looked up. "I wish I had a tape recorder. Because I do not anticipate either you or Yusuke being able to control your tempers--which there has been no evidence of either of your abilities to do in the past--_you_ accuse _me_ of being pessimistic. This exchange usually happens the other way around."

Hiei gave a half-smile. "I'm glad you're joking. But you're also deflecting."

"Hiei..." Kurama sighed. "Sometimes I wonder if I should just stop thinking for myself and have you tell me what I'm going to think. You know me too well." He lay his forehead on his knees again.

"No one hit anyone," Hiei said again, his tone softer. Words like "gentle" or "reassuring" came to mind but since it was Hiei, "softer" was the only one that could truly be applied. "The only person who's upset is you."

"What exactly did you two discuss?"

"First we yelled at each other and didn't make sense for awhile," Hiei replied casually, almost indifferent. "Then we spent a hell of a long time trying to figure out how to get out of this with everyone's hearts intact."

Kurama was quiet for a moment, surprised by Hiei's candor. It was extremely out of character for him to admit to anyone's heart mattering, least of all his own. "Did you decide anything?"

"How could we decide anything when it involves you more than either of us? It's _your_ decision."

"I don't want to decide," Kurama replied instantly, without even thinking.

"We figured that."

"Hiei--"

"Just shut up, Kurama. I have no interest in hearing you go on about not wanting to hurt anyone, and besides I'm not done talking yet."

There was a rather pregnant pause, and then Kurama couldn't help smiling. "Hiei... your words and your actions are contradictory. You claim that you're not done talking, and yet we sit here in silence."

"The next part's complicated."

"You mean it hasn't been up until now?"

It was good that Kurama had not expected an answer to his questions, because he did not receive one. The look Hiei gave him was contemplative, rather than calculating, and Kurama was struck by the difference. He had learned long ago that everything, even the most mundane or pleasant of interactions, was to Hiei either a war or the strategic maneuvers before one, but right now Hiei seemed to have formed some temporary truce between himself and the universe. It was not something Kurama had seen in him before.

"You don't have to decide," Hiei finally said.

Kurama's expression said that he didn't understand. "You asked me if we'd only spoken to each other, Yusuke and myself, and when I said no you assumed we'd been fighting. The reason I said no was that we spent some of the time kissing."

Kurama only watched Hiei politely, waiting for the other shoe to drop. What Hiei had said made so little sense as to let Kurama know that he was either speaking metaphorically, which was rare but not unheard of, or sarcastically, which was much more likely. Kurama couldn't figure out what it was supposed to mean, though. "No, fox--I mean really."

Now Kurama was irritated. Though some people didn't realize it Hiei did have a sense of humor, and now was a terrible time for him to be exercising it. Hiei scowled, reading Kurama's thoughts on his face. "I told him we should have both come. He thought it would be confrontational. He didn't believe me when I said _you_ wouldn't believe me."

"So what did you really talk about?"

"I'm not lying to you, Kurama. I _don't_ lie to you."

And Kurama was suddenly struck by the fact that this was true. He paused, reconsidering. "You... and Yusuke..."

"Are of the opinion that this little triangle we're in proves that each of us cares about the other two, and under those circumstances there's no reason why you should have to choose one or the other--should you want a lover, that is."

He added the last part so causally that Kurama found himself asking, "Why do you put it like that?"

"Because we're already in love."

Kurama experienced the same sort of physical shock that had sent Yusuke onto the pavement a few hours ago--apparently, it was Hiei's day for inspiring such reactions. It was not the thought that they were in love that caused shock--even though he wasn't one hundred percent sure who the "we're" in Hiei's sentence had applied to--but rather Hiei saying something like that aloud. The utter casualness with which he had done so just proved that he was Hiei. He had probably done it on purpose just for the pleasure of throwing Kurama a curve ball.

Hiei waited, taking note of Kurama's shock without commenting on it. Kurama found himself with absolutely nothing to say--a state uncommon for him, but one Hiei could have sympathized with. In fact, the overwhelmed expression on Kurama's face almost exactly mirrored how Hiei had looked two hours ago.

And Hiei did what Yusuke had done for him, by relieving Kurama of the need to speak when it became apparent Kurama couldn't. Up till now he had been sitting crosslegged on the bed next to Kurama, but he moved so that he was kneeling more or less behind Kurama and touched him--not necessarily moving his hair from his shoulders, not necessarily stroking his neck, but some gesture that managed to suggest both.

Kurama's instant reaction was to close his eyes. Affectionate or even gentle touched from Hiei were rare and easy to miss, and Kurama sometimes felt like he had spent his whole life pining for them, with the result that it had become his instinctive reaction, whenever Hiei touched him unnecessarily, to close his eyes and sit still for as long as it lasted, the better to focus on and remember it.

Kurama's reaction told Hiei a great deal. He leaned forward.

But so did Kurama, and he continued moving forward until he had actually risen from the bed, and Hiei sat back on his heels, blinking at the high state of agitation he suddenly found his partner in.

_Why_, Kurama was thinking, _why did this have to happen now?_ Why when he was so off balance? Why now, when all he could think about was Satsuki--_no, don't go there, stay here, just think about Hiei_-- But it felt so unfair, that he should spent years wanting Hiei--wanting Yusuke, too--and now the one time that he wasn't capable of reaching out to them, here they were. And love was hard enough to grow between two people, there were already enough jealousies and misunderstandings and conflicting needs and...

Hiei was waiting, composedly, for an explanation of Kurama's rapid departure. "I can't," Kurama found himself saying, and gesturing rather feebly with his hands. "I can't, not now, I'm--This is--it's so strange, I have to--I have to think about it."

Hiei took all this in without changing his expression, undoubtedly reading Kurama's flushed face and flustered words better than anyone else could have. "Then think about it," he said simply.

Kurama slowly sat back down, but just on the very edge of the bed, displaying a great deal of tension. He did not remind Hiei of a sly fox weighing his options so much as he reminded him of a frightened bird, unsure if the roost was safe and ready to take off at the slightest noise.

"I need some time to think about it," Kurama repeated, softer. Hiei understood this to be a request for privacy and debated whether he should leave; he had not yet said and done everything he had meant to say and do.

After a moment of deliberation, he moved off the bed and stood directly in front of Kurama, taking Kurama's face in his hands so that Kurama would have to look at him. "You can have all the time in the world to think," he said. "But you have to have something to think about."

And then he gave Kurama the kiss they had both been wondering about for years on end now, bending slightly to meet his mouth and kissing him just as though neither of them had ever been afraid to love the other. Though unprepared, Kurama was completely powerless to do anything but kiss back, because part of him had been ready for this for so long. He would not have guessed that bitter, hardened Hiei would be able to kiss so sweetly. Hiei's actions had always spoken louder than his words; he had spoken frankly and casually of love earlier, but the kiss let Kurama know, _know_ in his blood and his body and past any possibility of doubt, that Hiei loved him.

And when that communication had been made, that offering received, Hiei did as requested and left Kurama to his thoughts. He left with his usual speed, exactly as though nothing had happened; but Kurama felt Hiei's hands tremble against his skin a second before they were no longer there.


	12. Running

Chapter Twelve: Running

_A/N: Well, this chapter wrote itself (Not a lot of action, actually, but plenty of talking...) so you get an earlier-than-anticipated update. Enjoy. _

After Hiei's departure Kurama found himself with a great deal of energy, much more energy than he'd had since before Satsuki; but it wasn't a good thing. The energy was restless, frantic, agitated. It wasn't so much that he couldn't get his thoughts in order as that he couldn't even manage to have a coherent thought, and he was experiencing too many emotions to be able to isolate them from one another, let alone name them. He suddenly realized that he was pacing his room.

Quick on the heels of that realization was an intense, unexpected but uncontrollable yearning to go outside. He had not been outside very much since his rescue, barely even venturing out of his room, and it suddenly seemed like cruelty to keep a wild animal inside like this. If he'd had the energy, he would have transformed into his fox form and been running through the forest quicker than thought. As it was, he managed to propel himself rather forcefully, if unsteadily, out of his room.

Kurama discovered quickly that though he had the manic energy needed to keep to his feet, his sense of balance still left a great deal to be desired. Nevertheless he moved out onto the porch and then down into the gardens; when he realized he wasn't going to fall he stopped thinking about it, and was soon so lost in haphazard thought that he was scarcely aware of his surroundings again. Only a vague need to run kept him moving unsteadily downhill, towards the forest.

He was so wrapped up inside himself that he didn't make the connection that someone was calling his name until a fraction of a second before he walked full-on into them, with no hesitation or lessening of his speed. The impact was far from gentle; but the person he'd walked into grabbed Kurama before he could fall with enough strength to easily keep him on his feet, and asked in a voice that he'd long ago ceased to find grating from sheer familiarity, "Hey, are you--okay?"

Kurama's head cleared slightly, and he managed to look up at Kuwabara. "Ah--"

"You want to sit down?"

"Absolutely not."

"Well, then you've got to accept some company," Kuwabara replied, speaking with nearly the vehemence Kurama had. "I'm not going to let you walk around like that, you looked like you were trying to wander around a ship in the middle of a hurricane or something. What happened?"

Still struggling to focus on the here and now, Kurama replied a little vaguely. "I was--upset."

Kuwabara's eyes narrowed slightly. "Do I need to beat someone up for you? I mean, I know normally you can take care of your own stuff but seeing as how you're recovering, if somebody's being a jerk to you I could really use some exercise."

Kurama couldn't help himself; he laughed. And the act of laughing calmed him down. "You're a good friend, Kuwabara." _And a good friend--whom I have no romantic attachment to!--is something I could use right now. Even though I can't talk to him about it--just being with someone who loves me but doesn't _love _me might help._

"So that's a no on the beating people up idea?"

"It is. But it's a yes to walking with me, if you wouldn't mind. I just had to get outside."

"Of course I don't mind." A little awkwardly, Kuwabara added, "I was going to see Yukina, but if you don't want--"

"I would love to see Yukina," Kurama interrupted quickly, "if you'd forgive my intrusion." Even as he lapsed into Shuichi's formality, he realized with a shock that he hadn't seen Yukina in nearly a week. And she was staying at the shrine for him. The woman he'd cared enough about to go through all this--and he was shutting her out, shutting out everyone but Yusuke and Hiei, he was even still lying to Shiori without a need to. _What an idiotic thing to do._

Kuwabara was supporting Kurama in a slower, much steadier pace, completely unaware of the small epiphany Kurama was having. "She'll be really happy to see you, you know, she feels bad that she couldn't help you any more than she did." Even in the simplest statements, Kurama could hear Kuwabara's love for his wife seeping into his voice, his affection for her and pride in her. _Just like Yusuke and I sound when we're teasing Hiei about her, or hell, about anything... and just the way Hiei sounds when he's challenging me about something and won't back down... do I sound like that when I speak of them?_

_I know I do._

Kurama tried to focus back on the present again, since Kuwabara was still talking. When Yukina saw both of them coming her delight was obvious, and Kurama felt further chagrined. She ran to meet them and instead of standing next to her husband attached herself to Kurama's free arm--though Kurama would have much rather fallen than put his weight onto the petite koorime maiden and continued to rely entirely on Kuwabara for the support he needed, the amount of which was steadily increasing. The panicky energy that had propelled him outside was finally starting to ebb away, and exhaustion naturally took its place. Feeling how heavily Kurama was starting to lean on him, Kuwabara again suggested that they sit somewhere, and this time Kurama agreed.

Once they were sitting Yukina started to ask Kurama a question about how he was feeling, but some sort of nonverbal communication passed between her and Kuwabara and she switched to a different question. Kurama found himself unable to focus well enough to really take part in the conversation, but it was very pleasant to lean back and soak up the sunshine, listening to the sound of Yukina and Kuwabara's voices without really hearing their words. Even though it had been a panic attack that had taken him outside, he was finding it so refreshing that he had no intention of going back indoors, potentially ever.

_After all... I can run out here if I need to._

The sudden thought jarred him badly. Run? He was safe here; who could he possibly need to run from? Surely not his closest friends; not the people who had searched for him night and day for three long months, who were now offering him their love so unconditionally. _Yes... from them. From what they want. You have to run._

Kurama stood, abruptly disoriented again, and hastily excused himself from the conversation he hadn't really been participating in. Kuwabara stood too but Kurama waived him off and stumbled away on his own. He must have looked much better than he felt, because neither of his friends persisted in following him. In truth, he felt like he might fall over any minute; the frantic energy from before had abandoned him, leaving him with only a feeling of illness.

It occurred to him suddenly to wonder where Hiei was. Every time he had come even halfway this close to falling, been anywhere near this exhausted, Hiei had appeared to steady him; his vigilance had been unceasing.

_But he won't come, not now--not unless you say his name. He's watching, because he needs to know you're safe--but he won't come unless you call him, even if you fall, because you asked him to leave. You told him you wanted to be alone. He won't disrespect your wishes, not unless it's a matter of life and death._

Kurama finally made it to the edge of the forest, and only went far enough beneath the trees to be certain he wasn't visible from the temple before allowing himself to collapse. After a rather bruising impact with the ground, he rolled himself onto his back and looked at the patterns the fading sunlight made with the leaves, trying to think. _Why would I feel the need to run from Hiei and Yusuke? I love them._

But try as he might, he couldn't get any farther than that. The question couldn't be answered, because it lead him to parts of his mind that were blocked, that Hiei had explicitly warned him not to visit just this afternoon. It would take too much energy to break through the protective loop anyway. He knew he had the answers, but he didn't want to see them, not yet. Not yet.

So he continued to let his thoughts circle, in a way that could have quickly become dangerous; but he couldn't have been lying there for more than half an hour before a soft voice said, "Shuichi?"

Kurama propped himself up on his elbows. "Mother?"

Shiori had just entered the shadow of the trees, and she batted a dead leaf off her sweater as she came closer. "I hope you don't mind that I followed you; your friends were very concerned about you."

"Which friends?"

"That lovely couple... Yukina, is it, and Kuwabara?" Shiori knelt down on the ground, next to Kurama's head. "May I sit with you?"

Kurama nodded, resting his head on the ground again. Shiori began stroking his hair. "You know," she said, making conversation but also a little conspiringly, "I'm beginning to wonder if Yukina might be in a delicate condition... she seems so pale sometimes, but she's so beautiful and glowing all the time..."

"Yukina is always like that," Kurama replied absently. "She's an ice maiden, and beautiful at that. A type of demon," he added, seeing his mother's confusion.

"I didn't remember that she was a demon," Shiori said, looking understandably surprised. "I'm sure someone told me at some point, I just forgot--worrying about you," she added, ruffling Kurama's hair.

Out of the blue, Kurama was seized with an inexplicable but uncontrollable need to spill secrets. "Mother, if I tell you something now will you swear never to repeat it, to anyone?"

"Yes," Shiori replied, unfazed.

"Yukina is Hiei's sister."

"...But...oh, I'm being silly. I just remember you telling me that Hiei was a orphan, that he had no family--but that was so many years ago, of course it was all part of your cover story..."

"Hiei _is_ an orphan; Yukina is his only family, and he refuses to acknowledge the relation. She doesn't even know; she knows she has a brother, but not that it's Hiei."

With a hint of outrage in her voice, Shiori asked, "Why would he not want to be related to that sweet child?"

"Because he has no self-esteem," Kurama muttered, sighing. He continued in a clearer tone. "Because he's a criminal, and because of what he views as his own personality defects, he thinks Yukina would be better off believing her brother to be dead or missing than knowing it's him. But he watches over her constantly."

"That... is very noble, and very stupid."

Kurama nearly laughed. "Yusuke's words verbatim."

Kurama felt Shiori shift uncomfortably, and wondered what was wrong. But even wondering, her next words threw him. "You said... you called Hiei a criminal?"

Kurama raised his eyebrows. "I thought Yusuke and Hiei told you everything?"

"They must have given me an edited version."

_A severely edited version... I wonder when they were going to warn me not to prattle on about being a thief? And, I know she knows about the Forlorn Hope... they must have just neglected to mention Hiei and I had stolen it and were on the run..._

While he was thinking this, Kurama found himself easily falling back into his habit of telling Shiori half-truths. "Hiei does have a criminal record," he said casually, as if it was for petty theft, "but I wouldn't let it worry you. I trust him implicitly." _Except with my heart, apparently._

"You know... there _have_ been times in the past I've been afraid of Hiei... he was always so imposing, so _sinister_ somehow, and so strange, too. But now that I understand the strangeness, and now that I see what he and Yusuke did for you, he doesn't frighten me. I guess I trust him to take care of my baby," she concluded with a self-deprecating smile, ruffling Kurama's hair again.

Kurama didn't say anything. Shiori meant to be reassuring, that she accepted his friends, but all it served to do at the moment was remind him of his own confusion. _Why can't I trust them? I know I love them. Why am I so upset?_

"Shuichi..." Kurama realized too late that his unhappiness must be parading across his face. "What's troubling you?"

"...Hiei."

"What about him?"

Kurama had no idea how to being answering. He was trying to be more truthful with his mother, but how many shocks could her system take in regards to her perfect son? _Well, she did handle the whole reincarnated demon thing exceptionally well... I suppose this shouldn't be too hard in comparison. _"Mother... I'm... not exactly heterosexual."

"Oh, I know that, dear."

Kurama raised his eyebrows again, looking up at Shiori, and she had the grace to blush. "Forgive me, Shuichi, but it's not terribly difficult to tell. There have been signs, but even without them I just _knew_. I wondered if _you_ knew."

"I suppose I shouldn't doubt a mother's intuition."

"So, are you and Hiei having a lovers' quarrel?"

"No, not exactly... that is, we're not lovers, we never have been..."

"But you would like to be?" Kurama's silence answered for him. "What exactly is happening between you two?"

Kurama couldn't believe how calm his mother was being. One part of him realized that he ought to shut up, that this wasn't the sort of thing one discussed with one's mother, but another part of him felt compelled to keep spilling secrets. "It's not just happening between Hiei and myself."

"Oh?"

Kurama inhaled deeply. "I kissed Yusuke today--after you left earlier. And then Yusuke left--he knows that Hiei and I care about each other deeply, and I suppose...well, he and Hiei had a--I don't even know how to describe it, Hiei says that they didn't actually fight but they did scream at each other a lot, and then Hiei came to see me..."

Kurama was running out of steam, and stopped there. Shiori, rather courageously in his opinion, began trying to make sense of his narrative. "Is Hiei angry with you?"

"No."

"Is Yusuke?"

"No."

Shiori paused. Speaking casually, in a tone that implied a complete lack of judgment, she asked, "You said how much you care about Hiei--why did you kiss Yusuke, then?"

"Because I think I love him too."

"...Ah." Shiori's tone said she finally understood, and Kurama wished with all his heart she really did. There was a moment of silence, and then she said, "Oh, Shuichi. What an awful thing, to have to choose between your two friends."

Kurama decided that since he had already said so much, he might as well keep going. "What would you say if I didn't have to choose?"

"I don't understand."

"What would you say if I told you that when Hiei came to me he told me he and Yusuke had talked for a long time and realized how much the cared about each other, too, not just about me--and that they'd decided that the best thing for the three of us to do was to not have to choose, just--for us all to be together?"

Shiori didn't reply for a long moment. Kurama glanced up at her face, fearful of seeing shock or revulsion there, but he only saw honest thought. He waited for her to speak. "I would say," Shiori finally said slowly, "that you were a very fortunate, if very unconventional, young man."

Kurama found he didn't know what to make of Shiori's answer. "You wouldn't--find it objectionable?"

"No... I don't think I would," Shiori said thoughtfully. "It's certainly--not normal--but then, neither is my son, and that doesn't make him bad." She ruffled his hair again. "It's--I would definitely think about it, Shuichi, as I can tell you're doing, because it seems to me like so much could go wrong. But I think you're blessed to have people who care about you so much. And I think highly of your heart's inclinations. After everything I've seen, after knowing all abut them and seeing the way they interact with you, I wouldn't have had the slightest objection if you'd brought either one of these young men home with you. So I don't quite see how I can object to both."

Kurama tilted his head back to look at her more fully. "Truly?"

"Truly. As long as they make my son happy," Shiori added with a smile. But the smile faded almost immediately, dimming like the lights of a theater, to be replaced by a look of unhappy concern. In a much quieter, serious tone, she said, "I want you to be happy again, Shuichi. I don't--I don't know what happened to you--" She was starting to tear up. "But I do know that you're unhappy, desperately unhappy. And anything--any_one_ that could help you right now--"

Kurama took her hand without speaking. Shiori returned his grip tightly, and neither of them spoke for several minutes, both of them watching the sun set while Shiori tried to control her tears.

Eventually, Kurama broke the silence. "It's getting dark. You should go back to the temple."

"Shall I help you up?" There was still a note of tears to Shiori's voice, but she was ignoring it, plastering it over with a smile and practicalities.

"No thank you," Kurama replied. "I've been indoors far too much. I'd like to stay out here."

"But Shuichi, you'll have to come in eventually, and you'll need help," Shiori objected gently. "I can't just leave you here."

"Hiei is telepathic," Kurama reminder her. "As long as he's within a few miles of me I can get his attention. And I suspect he's watching anyway--he's been annoyingly conscientious that way."

"You promise me you'll ask him if you need anything?"

"Promise," Kurama replied, smiling slightly at her concern.

Shiori bent to kiss his forehead. "Then I'll leave you to your stargazing. And please, Shuichi, feel free to talk to me like this anytime you want to--I don't want you to still feel like you need to keep secrets from me. By definition a mother's love has no conditions, you know."

Kurama smiled again. "I love you too, mother. Goodnight."

"Goodnight."

After Shiori left, Kurama found himself doing what she had suggested and watching what stars coming out he could see through the trees, his mind drifting. Though he wasn't much clearer on what he wanted to do, the conversation with Shiori had made him feel infinitely calmer. Her tolerance, her lack of reproach, made everything seem so much more plausible; it was like every option was accepted now, and he had only to choose his course. Which he didn't feel like doing at the moment. His day had been full and wearying, and he was more than content to simply lie there on his back and not think about anything.

But as the twilight faded and full dark came on, Kurama realized his peaceful solitude was not going to last; nor would he have to get Hiei's attention when he wished to go inside, because both Hiei and Yusuke were headed his way.


	13. Come Back

_A/N: Whew... I think this chapter took as much energy to write as the rest of the story combined! I hope you enjoy._

_Warnings: aside from being generally heavy on the emo, this chapter is the reason the story's rated M, for sex and swearing. _

Chapter Thirteen: Come Back

Hiei announced their presence by saying, "If you want to yell at us, go right ahead. Ditto if you want us to get lost. But that was a nasty fall earlier, and we were starting to worry."

Kurama smiled slightly at the straightforward way in which Hiei said that, without a trace of concern. It let him know how worried Hiei really was. He didn't say anything, and the other two correctly interpreted his silence as agreeing to their presence. They settled down on either side of him, and Kurama noted with a little surprise and a great deal of emotion the difference in the positions they instinctively took. Yusuke sat cross-legged on his right, near his head, ostensibly watching the stars but really playing with his hair absently. He unconsciously mirrored Shiori's attempts at comfort to perfection. Hiei, on the other hand, sat directly by his side, and while he took Kurama's left hand in his right his body was oriented away from Kurama, scanning the forest protectively. Even though they were all silent Kurama knew the exact moment at which Hiei determined there to be no threats because his body lost a subtle tension, and adopted more of a neutral bearing, ready to turn towards Kurama or away from him as the case called for.

_I suppose it does make a little sense, after all... that I could be in love with both of them_, Kurama mused. _They offer me such different things--or rather, they offer the same thing, but in such different ways. Yusuke is still innocent, somehow, even after all he's gone through. I think he'll always be innocent, always capable of loving so completely, able to be so gentle even though he is so strong. He opens his heart without fear or reservation, and I need that openness, that gentleness. I need it... but it's not enough. I need to feel safe, safer than I've ever felt. I need someone who is not innocent, as well; someone who already knows the worst that can happen and won't stand for it to touch me. And if there's anyone I trust not to take any of the world's shit, anyone I trust to catch me before I realize I'm falling, it's Hiei. They're both offering me so much, and... and I need too much right now to get it all from one person. I need so much... _

The silence was fairly comfortable, if you considered everything that had happened during the day. Kurama was finding the simplicity of their touch--Hiei's hand in his, Yusuke's hand on his hair--to be a blessing. Since waking he had not allowed himself to be touched unless it was necessary, finding it all too easy to curl away in remembered pain from a touch that hadn't been painful. But he remembered being told that while unconscious he had panicked, he had cried out, if one of these two was not near enough to touch; now he thought he might be feeling an echo of the peace it had brought him then, and it surprised him even as he realized how very much he wanted it.

Yusuke was the one to finally break the silence. "Listen, Kurama... we didn't mean to upset you." He sounded quite guilty. "Neither of us meant to stress you out or make you feel, you know, like you had to decide right away or something." A brief increase of pressure from Hiei's hand told Kurama he was in accord with Yusuke. "Or like you had to run away. Hell, we just wanted you _not_ to be upset. We didn't know what else to do."

"I'm not upset," Kurama said, gently cutting him off. "I'm not angry with either of you."

Neither of them spoke, but Kurama could easily read their faces, hear the question they were wondering if they dared to ask: if you're not upset, why did you run, why did you run away from us like this. "Overwhelmed, perhaps," Kurama conceded. "But not upset."

"Well, we didn't mean to overwhelm you either," Yusuke sighed.

"That was inevitable."

Hiei snorted at the matter-of-fact way Kurama said that, and Yusuke grinned, rubbing the back of his neck. "Okay, granted."

They slipped into silence again, perhaps not as comfortable as the last one. Part of Kurama could have wished them gone, because he didn't know what to do about them, but he found himself completely unable to ask them to leave. He was still, somehow, overwhelmed by their touch, and very frightened by the sudden force of his own want, by the way his world had narrowed to the two focal points where their hands were touching him. It wasn't right. He wasn't sure exactly what it was about it that wasn't right, but his instincts told him it wasn't.

_Instincts. Right. Like Satsuki hasn't fucked those up for life._

Even with it so still and quiet, Kurama didn't realize he had started to cry until Yusuke moved to brush tears off his cheek. Hiei was looking at him in a way that let him know he'd cried others before Yusuke had moved. Kurama's breathing was slow and unaltered, but teardrops had been slipping down his cheeks, one at a time, unnoticed. _Time and time again, my instincts have saved me in battle; instincts, or my body, my strength and agility and ability to move. Satsuki stole all of it. It's no wonder I clung to these two so hard while I slept; I can't trust myself. Not to fight, not to walk, not to react rationally. I can't even trust myself to think straight. _

Hiei was able to sit in silence and watch Kurama cry, giving him time to work through it, but Yusuke's compassion was too strong for him to be able to stand it. Kurama was somewhat lost in his own thoughts, muddled and half-present, but he was aware of Yusuke's hand wiping away tears and of his voice, if not the words it was saying. Then, Yusuke kissed his forehead gently, and Kurama snapped directly back into the present, focusing on not breaking down and crying harder. That single kiss had swamped him with emotions and anything, everything, that made him feel was becoming threatening today.

And even as he wished Yusuke had not kissed him he fumbled for his hand, a stronger wish compelling him to draw them both closer, because it was the only thing for it. It was like his whole being, his soul perhaps, had been bruised; one tiny tap, one solicitation of emotion, and the whole thing came to life, screaming in pain. And the only way to soothe it was to seek more touch, more contact, even though their closeness was what had brought it to life in the first place. It kept the pain awake but it was also the only thing that could soothe it--and there was nothing to be done about it ,anyway, because a line had been crossed and he couldn't go back over it. Being near them was, for the moment, not optional.

Yusuke and Hiei seemed to understand that--and Kurama spared a moment from his self-centeredness to note how much they had matured since his kidnapping, how easily they communicated without words or gestures. They moved easily, like one person, not awkward; and they moved him, too, easily, like they must have done while they waited for him to wake. The next thing Kurama knew he was sheltered between them, sitting halfway up while Yusuke sat behind him and supported Kurama with his torso, creating a little nest out of his arms and legs. Hiei knelt in front of him, as close as Kurama wanted him to be, one hand on Kurama's face preventing him from looking away. The whole movement had been fluid, the only awkwardness to it Kurama's unconscious refusal to let go of the hand of Hiei's he still had. Their arms were crosswise between them now but Hiei didn't attempt to make him let go. Instead, he made sure he had Kurama's attention and then said, "Fox, why are you so afraid?"

Unable to evade while they were so close, Kurama said the only thing that came to mind. "It hurts."

"We're not hurting you," Hiei pointed out, without accusation.

"Yes, but that doesn't mean it doesn't hurt."

Yusuke dropped his head to Kurama's shoulder in order to speak into his ear. "Doesn't that just mean you should let us help, though? We're your friends, Kurama, we love you. We're not hurting you, and we're not _going_ to hurt you."

Kurama found himself unable to respond--unable to think, really. Yusuke's head was resting lightly on his shoulder, and Hiei's hand was still on his cheek--he couldn't even turn his head without running into one of them, they were so close. Hiei knelt between his legs and he himself was sitting between Yusuke's, and one of their hands was holding each of his and his space was completely consumed by them--and instead of reacting like a fox, instead of snarling and baring his teeth, he found himself wondering if it was possible for them to be closer. So close he wouldn't have to acknowledge anything else in the world existed, maybe so close even that they could smother him and he would just cease to exist, just become them.

He realized they were still waiting for him to say something. He struggled to rationalize what he was experiencing. "I know you're not hurting me," he managed. "But-- " And a streak of irritation made itself felt, even as he pressed closer to them. "But you made me _feel_ all this, damn it, you made me feel something and then I had to start feeling everything. And I really, really hate you for it. I didn't want to feel any of this."

Kurama had his eyes closed against tears, so he didn't notice the brief smile of a brief victory that passed between Yusuke and Hiei--_at least we got him to feel._ "You know you have to, though," Hiei said, in a voice that was amused and concerned at the same time--but then the amusement dropped out of it like a stone, and only concern was left. "You have to," he repeated, with more urgency. "Or you'll stay split like this, you won't ever come back to us. You have to come back."

Kurama opened his eyes, startled at the raw emotion in Hiei's voice. Hiei was staring at him, and his jaw quivered ever so slightly. Kurama stared back.

They probably would have held the tableau for a long time, given their historic inability to reach for one another even when both were aching to do so, but Yusuke was fortunately not one for dramatic pauses and rescued them. "Kurama," he said gently, "Hiei's right; you have to feel it even if it sucks, or you won't heal. And if what Hiei and I are doing is making it hurt, then it's our job to make it feel better, too. Please let us."

Given their proximity it was not easy for Kurama to look away or duck his head in a manner that didn't bring him into contact with either of them, but he found a way. No sooner had he done so, though, than Hiei's hand moved from the side of his face to his chin, lifting his face and catching Kurama's eyes before he could think to look away. Kurama's breathing stopped in fear when he saw Hiei's eyes; they were open, unguarded, and they held more hurt, more fear and pain, than Hiei had ever allowed Kurama to see before.

(_Please don't leave me.)_

The simplicity of Hiei's words, and the depth of emotion with which he spoke them, bypassed Kurama's mind completely and went straight to something deeper, and he replied without thought. (_Never._)

(_Then come back to me.)_

"I don't know how." Kurama didn't realize he had spoken out loud until he heard his own voice.

"But we do." Already Hiei was back in some level of control; already there was no vulnerability in his eyes. But Kurama had seen the depth of Hiei's fear, and in some absurd way it soothed him. It calmed him to know that he was not the only one terrified, and it calmed him because he had to be calm, out of necessity, to help Hiei. "Trust us to lead you back."

Kurama hesitated. He felt Yusuke's arms tighten subtly around his waist, like he was trying to hold onto something that was slipping. Hiei would not look away, nor allow Kurama to.

Finally, Kurama nodded. It was surrender, and it was exhausting. He found himself pressing his body back against Yusuke, tired and still frightened and silently asking for more support. Yusuke wrapped his arms more securely around Kurama, pressing his front securely to Kurama's back and leaning forward to nuzzle the side of his neck.

The action, though it was small, sent a surge of reactions through Kurama. Reactions all the more potent because part of him knew they were forbidden, that these emotions and desires had been walled up ten times over with all the strength he could muster, and were now flowing over him with all the speed and strength of a river suddenly breaking through a crumbling dam.

Still clutching at both their hands, Kurama sought Hiei's eyes, letting Hiei see his own terror, and then spoke to him. (_Kiss me.)_

Hiei did not hesitate in complying, kissing him deeply, and Kurama finally surrendered the hand he had been forcing Hiei to hold between them, instead moving his hand to Hiei's back to pull him closer. He kept Yusuke's hand firm in his other, afraid that if he let go he would lose all sense of stability. His mind couldn't keep up with what sensation to focus on--Hiei's tongue in his mouth, Yusuke's gentle kisses along his throat, the arms around his waist, the hands in his hair, the closeness of all their bodies. Hiei showed no reservation in his kisses, and Kurama wasn't sure where one ended and the next began, or how he was breathing. He knew he was moving his hips without meaning to, but he only knew this because he could feel Yusuke's hands on his hips, gently keeping him close, stroking his hipbones.

He pulled his mouth away from Hiei's with a weak gasp, panting and trying to catch his breath. But before he'd really had a chance to something reversed and he found himself with his head turned to the side, and it was Yusuke's strong kisses he was experiencing, strong and gentle like the boy giving them, and Hiei nuzzling and kissing his throat. Kurama wasn't quite sure how they'd gotten there but he had no intention of objecting; he let their movement tell him how to move, let their touch show him where to be open. He was experiencing a very real sense that he was drowning, and simultaneously an intense desire to do so--to drown, die, let his consciousness end and simply be. To let them do anything they wished to, for the simple reasons that they loved him and it felt good; and nothing, nothing at all had felt good in such a horribly long time... (_Please don't stop_),he said to both of them, even his mental voice sounding like a gasp.

The reply was muddled because they both tried to speak to him at once, but there was no mistaking the tightening of Yusuke's arms around his waist or Hiei's small, possessive nip at his throat. Kurama realized he was simultaneously trying to arch up towards Hiei and press back against Yusuke. He wrapped his arms around Hiei's waist and pulled him closer, and then he let his head fall back on Yusuke's shoulder because he couldn't find the strength to hold it up anymore, concentrating as hard as he was on the feel of their arousal, on how their bodies were tucked against his, on how someone was rocking them back and forth gently but he wasn't sure who. And then he swore, inadvertently and in a Makai language he hadn't used in centuries, because Yusuke and Hiei had taken it upon themselves to each start kissing and biting at a different side of his neck, and he was fairly certain both of them were rocking against him now.

Kurama went limp, completely surrendering, too incoherent to manage anything else. After a moment, he felt Hiei's hands tugging at his shirt, buttons starting to be undone. As if watching a stranger, he noted that his body stiffened. Hiei pulled back and looked at him, one eyebrow raised in inquiry.

Kurama didn't know what to say, he didn't know why his body was reacting with fear, and so he pulled Hiei into a kiss, because it was much easier than forming an answer to his unspoken question. Hiei, however, pulled back after only a moment with an expression that said he knew exactly what Kurama was doing and wasn't inclined to allow it. "You decide," he told Kurama.

"Didn't we already establish I don't want to decide anything?"

"You have to." Surprisingly, it was Yusuke and not Hiei who answered. "You haven't made any decisions for months now. It's your body, your heart. You decide."

Kurama again didn't know what to say. Such bluntness from Yusuke was a shock; Hiei was looking over Kurama's shoulder at Yusuke approvingly, but Kurama could have wished Yusuke hadn't been so candid. The double reminder of his imprisonment--_it's your body_ and _you haven't made any decisions for months_--was a shock of pain that dulled the pleasure he'd been immersed in. After a moment he decided to answer in kind, plainly and truthfully. "My heart isn't a problem," he said. "It's my body. I don't even know why I'm afraid anymore--that is, I'm not afraid, not that I'm aware of, but my body reacts like I am. I don't know why."

Hiei scowled, his eyes turned inward for a moment like he was thinking something unpleasant. Before Kurama could get too curious about this, though, Yusuke asked gently, "So what do you want to do? It's still your decision."

Kurama tried to take the time to ask himself the question, tried to find out what he _did_ want. "I don't want to stop."

"Then let's try this," Yusuke said, and his words were made sensual because he was speaking against Kurama's ear, because his hands were wandering. "Let's keep going, and we'll go slowly, and if you want us to stop you say so; and if you don't, then we won't stop."

Kurama approved highly of that plan, and indicated so by turning his head and kissing Yusuke. After a moment he felt Hiei's ahnds on his chest again, more hesitant than before. So much more hesitant that Kurama felt compelled to reassure him, and again spoke without thinking. (_I love you.)_

Hiei's answer was typical. (_I know.)_

Kurama would have liked to stick his tongue out at the smug demon, but he was enjoying kissing Yusuke too much, so he let it pass. Hiei's hands regained their confidence but still moved slowly, as Yusuke had suggested, sometimes more slowly than Kurama would have liked but he again let it pass. He didn't find himself reacting with unexpected tension until he and both his companions were nearly naked. Both Hiei and Yusuke instantly started to draw back, giving him space, and Kurama hauled them back irritably. "You said you wouldn't stop unless I asked you to," he reminded them. "I didn't. You're just going to have to have some patience. Don't pull back from me."

They both heard the fear in his voice, and Yusuke instantly began to murmur reassurances, sweet and earnest promises that quickly left Kurama shivering. Hiei had never been one for words, and so he kissed Kurama, and just like before Kurama heard everything Hiei meant to say in it. He was immediately reassured, but Hiei and Yusuke went on trying to reassure him for several minutes until he finally told them to give it up already; then they laughed at themselves, and kissed each other over his shoulder. Kurama couldn't decide whether _oh, that is _so_ sweet_ or _damn, that is _so_ hot_ was a stronger reaction.

He continued to let the other two cradle him between them, loving the sense of being cut off, shielded from the world by their very presence. Hiei was the aggressor, initiating everything, but slowly and carefully, watching for Kurama's reaction while Yusuke held him tighter, soothing and reassuring him, encouraging him to respond. Which Kurama inevitably would, completely undone by being the focal point of both their attention, feeling the balance they created. When Hiei entered him, it was Yusuke's hand Kurama grabbed for; when he felt Yusuke grinding against him, it was Hiei he looked at. He completely lost awareness of his surroundings; what he was aware of was them, their skin against his, their love for him, and it was more than enough.

It couldn't last long--which, Kurama thought drowsily afterwards, was a damned shame. But it was too intense, and they were all too exhausted one way or another, and sooner than probably any of them would have wished they were resting tiredly, contentedly against one another, letting their breathing slow. Yusuke and Hiei were exchanging lazy kisses over the top of Kurama's head, which he had elected to rest on Yusuke's chest. Hiei was gently stroking his back. "How do you feel?" he finally queried.

Kurama considered a few responses, something along the lines of _limp with pleasure_ or _even more exhausted than I was, thanks_ but finally settled on, "Loved."

"Hn. Accurate." Yusuke snorted at Hiei's casual, matter-of-fact tone, and lightly cuffed the back of his head. Kurama grinned and scrunched down a little farther to try to escape the worst of the ensuing tussle, which went on for a few minutes but more or less ended when Yusuke kissed Hiei. This mollified him somewhat, but he still pretended to be grumpy as he asked, "Fox, are you done being outside yet? It's getting cold."

Kurama thought about it and realized his terror of being indoors had fled. "Only if someone helps me in. I was exhausted _before_ you two came out..."

They both chuckled at the suggestive way Kurama trailed off. "Hell, we'll carry you if we need to," Yusuke promised, disentangling himself from the other two to grab his clothes, and to chuck the other two's clothing at them.

Kurama sighed slightly as he slipped his shirt on, wishing that they didn't have to move on from this point, this time. The post-sex euphoria was wearing off and he was beginning to worry again, about the intelligence and the feasibility of what he'd just done, what they were trying to do.

Typically, both Yusuke and Hiei noticed the tiny sigh--that was one of the downsides of becoming lovers with friends, it was impossible to keep anything from them. "You okay?" Yusuke asked casually.

Kurama shrugged awkwardly, wanting to answer honestly and not certain exactly what it was that was bothering him. "It's just--this--it doesn't _feel_ difficult, not now, but it seems like it should, like it will. I mean, do you really think we can do this?"

"What, you mean the three of us?" Yusuke asked, drawing invisible lines between them with his fingers. Kurama nodded. "Hell yeah." Seeing that Kurama was unconvinced, Yusuke went on, "Just think about it for a minute, Kurama. You and I can't manage a relationship, because we're completely unsure of each other--it's like we don't know who's supposed to be leading and who's supposed to be following, so we never go anywhere. Hiei and I can't manage it, because we have a hard time being nice to each other, even though we care about each other we can't seem to express it unless you're there. And you and Hiei obviously care about each other and would have been in a relationship years ago if you could stop fighting for ten minutes at a time. The thing is, I make you and Hiei remember that the stuff you're fighting about is stupid and you really don't hate each other, and Hiei is blunt enough that it makes you and I realize we really _do_ know how we feel about each other, and you can show Hiei and I that it's possible to be strong and tender at the same time, and thus the world isn't gonna end if we express affection. So it's entirely possible that the three of us can make this work when any two of us would fail."

Hiei was looking at Yusuke with admiration--Kurama couldn't tell whether he was genuinely impressed that Yusuke had thought it out this far, or simply amazed. "And," Hiei said evenly, "in the event that everything the Detective just said turns out to be complete and utter bullshit--" Yusuke snorted, and Kurama started to crack up. "Then we'll forget about it later on. You need this now, and don't even try to deny that. If we find out later that it isn't what we always need, well, I think if our relationship can survive a few years of plotting various methods to destroy each other for the sake of rival demon kings, it can probably survive sex. Now let's go inside already, before they send a search party."

Kurama nodded, not daring to speak for fear of inspiring some other comment that would make him laugh--he was so tired that even the laughter was painful, hurting his abdomen. But he couldn't deny that it had been the perfect tool to dispel his worries--he started to wonder if Hiei had done so deliberately, then decided he didn't care and relaxed in Yusuke's arms as he carried him inside, falling asleep long before they even reached the temple.


	14. Worry

_A/N: Well, I hope you all enjoyed being happy last chapter... 'cause it ain't gonna last. :P_

Chapter Fourteen: Worry

Yusuke woke up to the pale light of dawn the next morning. For a moment he lay there bonelessly, drowsily reflecting that Kurama's hair was tickling his arm and wondering if that was what had woken him up. Then he noted a dark figure sitting on the edge of the other side of the bed, hunched over and obviously in pain.

"Hiei?"

Hiei turned at Yusuke's whispered query, obviously startled. "Detective."

Yusuke propped himself up on his elbows, not daring to sit up any farther for fear of disturbing Kurama--the kitsune looked to be deeply, deeply asleep, but you never knew. "Where are you going?" he asked quietly. For it was obvious that Hiei was going somewhere; he was fully dressed, which Yusuke knew for a fact none of them had been when they'd gotten into this bed last night, and it looked like he'd been in the process of putting on his boots when he'd bent over, head in his hands, and Yusuke had seen him.

"Out," Hiei replied succinctly, turning back to his boots. "Need to think."

"Hiei, what's wrong?" Hiei shook his head irritably, concentrating on his boots. "Hiei--this is gonna freak Kurama out. To wake up and have you gone, after... last night."

Hiei finished with his boots and stood, reaching for his katana. "Then you take care of him." His tone wasn't combative, or casual, but tired. Tired in the sense of the soul, not the body. "And tell him I'm sorry. I need to deal with something." And then he was gone.

Yusuke sat there blinking. All he could think was, _Shit--how did that happen so fast?_ This was exactly what Kurama had been afraid of.

Last night had been so... amazing, there was no other word for it. Kurama had seemed so happy, so genuinely happy and in pleasure, and then he'd fallen into a deep, healthy sleep as Yusuke carried him inside afterwards, not waking even when they put him to bed. After a brief debate Hiei and Yusuke had decided to invite themselves into bed with him, and settled in on either side of him. Yusuke had then spent a long, enjoyable time stroking Hiei's hair--something he had for some reason always wanted to do but never before had the opportunity--before they, also, had fallen asleep. And now it was morning, and Hiei was freaking out.

Why he was freaking out, Yusuke didn't know. He rejected the thought that it was jealousy or anything else to do with the relationship started last night; Hiei had accepted the idea too readily, and besides, it just didn't feel right. Yusuke couldn't put his finger on it, but something in Hiei's manner told him that wasn't what it was.

_Maybe he just needed to be alone? He's usually not around people this much._ Several people had pointed out to Yusuke--Keiko, Genkai, even Shiori had voiced concern--that Yusuke was wearing himself out taking care of Kurama. Hiei was certainly wearing himself out at least as much, and neglecting his own mental health. _Mental health--Hiei's been tortured, don't forget that._ Maybe some memory had been triggered for him that he was trying to deal with in a way that wouldn't impact Kurama. _He did say he had to deal with something._

Yusuke wondered if it was better to share that theory with Kurama--worrying about Hiei was an excellent way to keep him from withdrawing into himself--or to come up with some other excuse for Hiei's absence, on the chance that whatever was bothering Hiei really _could_ hurt Kurama. Inevitably, before he could do much more than pose the question to himself, he felt Kurama stirring.

Kurama had been sleeping on his stomach, and Yusuke watched with unabashed pleasure as Kurama's bare back arched in a stretch that managed to be graceful even when he was half-asleep; then Kurama turned his head to the side, looking for him, eyes still cloudy. "Where's Hiei?" he murmured drowsily.

"Oh, you know Hiei, he's a player. Had to go visit his other boyfriends." Kurama didn't crack a smile, so Yusuke switched to a gentler, more serious tone. "I think he was feeling claustrophobic. You know he's not used to sleeping indoors. He took his katana; probably just went to burn off some steam and kill some more of Grandma's trees. Looked like he was gonna be at it for awhile," Yusuke added, since he had no idea how long Hiei would be gone and didn't want Kurama to worry if it turned out to be a long time.

Fortunately, Kurama detected none of his anxiety and accepted the story, making an indistinct noise and sleepily cuddling up to him. Yusuke was relieved. He'd decided that until he knew the real reason Hiei had taken off it was best not to say anything that might worry Kurama, and he knew he wouldn't have gotten away with the deception if Kurama had been completely awake.

Then Yusuke let go of his worry completely for a moment to enjoy the fact that Kurama half-asleep apparently equaled cuddling, with or without the consent of the person being cuddled. He decided not to test the theory about consent, though, as he was more than willing to pull Kurama close and luxuriate both in the feel of his skin and the renewed sense of health in his energy. Despite Hiei's mysterious absence, life was still pretty damned good.

Eventually, Kurama woke up all the way and decided they had better get out of bed before his mother decided to come wake him up--he said he had no intention of keeping things secret, but that there were some things a mother shouldn't have to see. Yusuke chuckled at that, and didn't bother to hide his appreciation as he rolled over onto his stomach to watch Kurama move around collecting his clothes. Just before Kurama would have left the room, though, Yusuke came to a sudden realization. He vaulted out of the bed and grabbed Kurama's arm. "Whoa."

Kurama turned to him with a surprised and curious expression. Yusuke fought both to keep amusement off his face and concern on it. "Um... hey, Kurama, you don't have any shirts with a higher collar, do you?"

"... You did not."

"Wellll... _technically_ it could have been either one of us, but as long as Hiei's not here let's say it was him, shall we? Either way we really need to do something about that before you see your mom." It was getting harder and harder not to laugh.

Kurama leveled a glare at him, then shucked his shirt and moved to the mirror to examine himself. "I believe," he said, "from the location, that most of these are in fact _your_ fault, Yusuke."

Yusuke grinned, remembering the incoherent pleasure that had accompanied making those marks. _Gotta be more careful next time_. He moved to stand behind Kurama, lightly circling his waist with his arms. "Sorry," he murmured, not meaning it at all, and gently bent his head to kiss each bruise.

Kurama let him do so, leaning back against him gently, resting his own arms over Yusuke's. Yusuke felt Kurama's hands tighten on his arms slightly and realized Kurama was not quite as nonchalant as he appeared. With Hiei's strange absence, the comfort of each other's arms was doubly necessary; the reassurance that this much, at least, was still working.

Despite that need, though, after only a moment Kurama gently untangled himself and told Yusuke he wanted to see his mother alone. Guessing that Kurama was going to broach the subject of their new relationship, and unaware of how much Shiori already knew about it, Yusuke wished him a great deal of luck before wandering off to try to find something to do with himself. The first thing he did was check the grounds for Hiei, but the fire demon was well and truly gone.

_What the hell's gotten into him_? Yusuke thought back through yesterday, trying to garner some hint. But before this morning Hiei had seemed fine; completely in sync with Yusuke, and thoroughly focused on Kurama. Yusuke couldn't remember either himself or Kurama having said something that Hiei could have taken serious offense at. Though he thought about it for hours, he could come up with no theory better than his first one: that something from Hiei's past was bothering him. Yusuke decided that the next time he could do so without Kurama noticing, he was going to tackle Hiei and not let him up until he spilled his guts.

Presuming, of course, that he came back anytime soon.

That thought was distressing enough to warrant being pushed out of his head entirely. But as the hours ticked by, it became harder and harder not to worry. Yusuke spent the afternoon idly playing cards with Kurama and Shiori, and it was easy to see that Kurama, too, was becoming gradually more and more uneasy, finally wondering about Hiei's whereabouts out loud. Yusuke said something blithe and distracting again, and Kurama looked at him unhappily. Yusuke felt anger stirring for the first time. _If that demon does not have a damned good reason for being gone, I am going to give him a reason or two never to be gone again._

After dinner Kurama prompted Shiori to call her husband; Yusuke knew he just wanted her gone so she wouldn't notice how upset he was. This theory was confirmed by Kurama suggesting, as soon as she left, that he and Yusuke walk down to the gardens--effectively keeping Shiori from rejoining them. Yusuke didn't let on that he suspected Kurama's motives, instead simply wrapping an arm around his waist and setting a slow pace, wanting Kurama to lean on him. Kurama had overexerted himself yesterday, and a week ago he hadn't even been able to walk; Yusuke was wary of letting him push too hard today.

Yusuke didn't know whether to be relieved or furious when they rounded a corner and found Hiei sitting there as casually as though he'd been hanging about all day with nothing to do. He settled on being exasperated. Kurama expressed both delight, verbally, and relief nonverbally; and Hiei took Kurama's hand in his, a silent apology. But when Kurama queried as to what he'd been doing all day Hiei was evasive, and Yusuke felt his energy ratchet up defensively, nervously. Kurama let the subject drop immediately, and neither he nor Yusuke pursued it again--but the tension did not leave.

To Yusuke, it was obvious that Kurama was unhappy and worried, perhaps more so than he had been before. He couldn't imagine that Hiei was blind to it, but he did nothing to counteract it, and Yusuke felt anger stirring again. When Kurama admitted he was tired and ready for bed, and Hiei said he would stay out for a bit longer, Yusuke only walked Kurama halfway back to his room. "Listen--I'm gonna go back and make Hiei tell me what the hell's going on. Don't worry about it, he's probably just pissed off at me over something and doesn't want you to get caught up in it." Yusuke didn't really believe that, but he wanted Kurama to believe it.

Kurama looked at him unhappily, but didn't try to stop him. "Be careful, Yusuke."

Yusuke nodded his understanding--the situation was precarious, and Hiei's emotions volatile, and Yusuke couldn't take his usual hack-and-slash approach to this. It would be too easy for the whole thing to blow up. "I'll be careful," he promised before kissing Kurama lightly on the cheek and turning to go back.

Hiei was standing exactly where they'd left him, his back to Yusuke. His shoulders were hunched over again, as if in pain. "You know, that was really great, Hiei," Yusuke said, and Hiei's posture straightened to his usual arrogant stance. "Really well done. You not only effectively send me and Kurama into spasms of worry, you undo half of what we did yesterday, all in one. What gives?"

"I can't always coordinate my life to Kurama's needs, Detective," Hiei said without turning or even glancing at Yusuke, his tone defiant. "But as it so happens I _was_ thinking of him today. If I'd stayed things would have been worse."

"Why is that?" No answer; no reaction of any kind. Yusuke's first instinct was to punch Hiei, but he made himself stop and calm down. Their relationship was different now; they had held each other as lovers, and if they could communicate on that level without having to constantly fight and challenge each other, it would be better for not only the two of them, but for Kurama.

So instead of trying to force an answer, Yusuke softened his tone, and made an appeal. "Hiei--we can't afford to do this. Not now. You and I have to be able to talk to each other the way we can talk to Kurama. We have to be on that level. I don't have to tell you that Kurama can't deal with all this shit now, he can't even deal with his own stuff. Now, if something's wrong, you tell me about it and we'll try to figure out a way to deal with it without hurting him. Because this is really hurting him, Hiei."

Then he held his breath, waiting to see if he had managed to penetrate Hiei's walls, or if the enigmatic demon would choose to ignore everything he had said. At first there was no reaction, other than a slight tension in Hiei's shoulders; but then he turned around, and his eyes were unguarded. "If I tell you," he said, "you have to promise me something. Not to tell Kurama, unless I decide it's time."

Yusuke got the chills. He was surprised, but the severity in Hiei's tone, and what he was asking, actually made him cold. He didn't like the idea of any two of them having secrets from a third--_but hell, it's already been happening, I guess that's sort of inevitable._ "Unless it's time--you will tell him sometime, then?"

Hiei nodded. "If he doesn't find out on his own, then yes, it will be necessary to tell him sometime. Now is not that time."

Yusuke hesitated a second longer. _So I guess I was right, it is something he's afraid of upsetting Kurama--idiot doesn't realize how much what he's _doing_ is upsetting Kurama--of course he does, he never misses a thing when it comes to Kurama. So it must be bad._ "Alright. I promise." He gave Hiei a look that added, _Now start talking_.

For the first time, Yusuke watched Hiei struggling to come up with the right words. He made a few false starts, then finally asked, "Have you noticed the scent that's been clinging to Kurama?"

"Yeah, like that guy's fortress."

"No, like Satsuki himself."

"Okay, like Satsuki. Kurama didn't seem like he wanted to talk about it, so I never brought it up. But hey..." Yusuke's forehead wrinkled as he thought of something. "It's been gone today. I didn't realize it until now. Weird."

"What does he smell like now?" Hiei prompted.

Yusuke grinned in a way that managed to be both embarrassed and smug, and rubbed the back of his neck. "Well, y'know... he smells like..."

The grin left his face between one heartbeat and the next, as an inescapable implication swooped down on him. "Like us," he finished.

Hiei nodded once, confirming all the connections that he could see Yusuke was making--_so now he smells like me and Hiei, both of us. What does that mean about Satsuki? What did we do last night that might have left our scent on him So how did Satsuki's..._

"I'd considered the possibility before." Hiei's voice, calm and devoid of emotion, cut through Yusuke's frantic mental voice. "It's not an uncommon way to torture. But I didn't want to think it was true. So I told myself that if it was, Kurama would have had no reason to hide it; that he would have confided in me. But last night I realized he doesn't know. You remember what he said--that it was like his body was afraid, but he himself was not. He didn't know why his body had that reaction. It's because of the splitting. Kurama hasn't found his way back to that memory yet; he can't tell us what happened, because he hasn't told himself."

"Maybe--maybe he doesn't have to?" Yusuke interrupted. He could hear his own voice shaking, but he went on. "Maybe--he can stay like this. He doesn't have to know. He doesn't have to remember what--I mean, he's doing so well, can't he heal without--does he really have to remember?"

He knew even before he saw Hiei shake his head that the answer would be no. Part of him wanted Hiei to lie and comfort him, but _it's going to be okay_ had never been Hiei's strong suit. "Repressed memories are a liability. They rarely stay repressed forever, much as we'd like them to. I don't know if this is always the case but with me, they have always come up again when it was least convenient, frequently life-threatening. We can't leave Kurama with that kind of a handicap. He has to heal all the way." Then, softer, Hiei added, "No matter how much we would like to spare him the pain."

Yusuke looked at him in silence for a moment. "Hiei--not now, but someday when we can deal with it, you have to promise to tell me what's happened to you."

Hiei looked startled for a moment, but then he nodded his acceptance. "After Kurama's recovered. Hopefully he will come back to this on his own, and we won't have to tell him--hopefully once he feels safer with us, he'll be ready to go back into all of his memories."

Hiei meant to sound confident, but he actually sounded like Yusuke had a moment ago--lost, and like he desperately wanted someone to confirm what he was saying, or at the very least offer comfort. So Yusuke put an arm around his shoulders and said, "Hopefully."

They stood quietly for a moment, neither speaking. Yusuke wasn't sure if he was imagining Hiei leaning into him slightly, but he held him closer all the same. "I can understand why you needed space," Yusuke finally said.

"And now you'll need it. Yusuke--" Hiei turned to face Yusuke, looking up at him with an intently serious expression. "It's my belief that if Kurama was ready to handle this, if he was capable of knowing, then he would already know. It's also possible that he _does_ remember and he simply isn't ready or able to talk to us about it yet. Either way, _he can't know what we know._ That's why I had to leave--he knows me too well. It's better for him to worry over why I was gone then to know what _I'm_ worrying about, and he would have known."

Yusuke nodded his understanding. But Hiei wasn't done with him yet. "You have to keep it a secret too, now. Don't come back to his room until you can look him in the eye and hide. Don't come back until you can hold him and talk to him--not until you can make love to him without him realizing what you know. Not until you could respond to anything he could possibly say or do without even a flicker of thinking about it, because he will notice that flicker. Don't come back until you've handled it."

Yusuke stared at him, realizing what Hiei asked was both completely impossible and absolutely necessary. "That's a tall order," he managed to say.

"Take your time," Hiei counseled him. "I can handle it now. I'll go to him and tell him something to keep him from worrying. Just don't come back until you can hide it from him."

"What are you going to tell him?" _We should get our lies coordinated_.

Hiei shrugged. "No idea, frankly. Any suggestions?

"I told him earlier I thought you were pissed at me, you know, just to keep him from thinking it was jealousy or something he'd done. But I don't think he believed me."

Hiei studied him for a minute. Yusuke was a little unnerved at the intensity of his stare, but he knew Hiei was only thinking, so he didn't look away. He wasn't quite used to this new, non-adversarial Hiei yet, the one who asked him for advice instead of challenging him at every single opportunity--_I wonder if subconsciously, we've been fighting for Kurama all this time, and now that we don't have to we won't challenge each other anymore?_

"But we were fighting, Yusuke," Hiei said evenly. At first Yusuke thought Hiei had been reading his mind, but then he realized Hiei was finally responding to his earlier comment. "Don't you remember? You told me that Yukina had nothing to do with Kurama's capture, and I disagreed. And I left today because I still felt guilty, only now we've fought again and we're okay with each other, but I'm still upset and I want to talk to Kurama about it so you're considerately going to leave us alone for awhile."

It was a lie that had the benefit of having the truth embedded in it in several places. Yusuke thought through it, trying to find any weak points. "But I must have said something that really upset you last night, to bring it back up so you had to leave today... so that Kurama wouldn't have to see us fighting."

Hiei thought about it and nodded. "Yes. You must have."

They looked at each other in silence for a few minutes. Yusuke felt helpless, and shaken, and already exhausted by web of lies they were leaving. It sickened him to lie so much, but he knew that he would have to lie even more in the near future, for Kurama's sake. Mostly he felt like screaming, but he knew it was absolutely essential that he keep his silence.

He could see the same need to scream in Hiei's eyes, but they only stared at each other mutely. Yusuke wasn't sure whether his regard was intended to give strength to Hiei, or to draw strength from him. Or if it was just the look of two people who, for one moment, are in absolute sympathy with each other. "I should go," Hiei finally said, quietly. "He's worrying."

Yusuke nodded, silently, afraid that if he spoke he really would scream.

Hiei took a few steps closer to him. Yusuke wasn't sure whether to love him or hate him when the smaller demon reached up and kissed him, gently, with far more compassion than Yusuke could have imagined Hiei having. Yusuke wanted to meet his eyes afterwards, to see what Hiei was thinking, but Hiei turned his head away, and Yusuke understood. The kiss was all the compassion, all the healing, Hiei could afford to give--it was vital now that Hiei be able to put up a facade, and Yusuke had no desire to do something that would force cracks into it. So he watched without speaking as Hiei walked away, head high and shoulders back, as unruffled as ever. Ready to pretend for as long as Kurama needed him to; ready to pretend for as long as Yusuke needed him to, also.

Yusuke turned his back long before Hiei was out of sight, knowing that if he continued watching him he would start to cry, or run after him, or possibly fall apart completely. And neither of his lovers could help him put himself back together--just for now, while Kurama was so precariously balanced and all of Hiei's energy was bent on keeping him on this side of sane, Yusuke was on his own.


	15. Apologies

_A/N: Speaking of apologies... I seem to be forever apologizing for slow updates on this story. I really do aim for aim for at least once a month, but this story has a fatal combination of inspiring reviews that stick in my craw and not having been plotted beforehand, so that I really don't know where I'm going. Anyway, this is (as far as I know) the end of my recent flurry of updates, I hope you enjoyed it. :)_

Chapter Fifteen: Apologies

After Hiei left, Yusuke started to wander aimlessly through the gardens--though maybe _wander_ was not the right word. He was stomping around with a great deal of fury and energy, energy that only seemed to increase the more he moved. He would have given anything for someone to attack, some way to exorcise the anger that was building. Briefly, he recalled the last time he had been anywhere close to this upset on Kurama's behalf, in the Dark Tournament. Even after he'd learned that Bakken had been too weak to pose a real threat to Kurama, he had still killed Bakken. Deliberately.

He was so much angrier than that now, and with no one to kill. But a large part of the anger was directed towards himself. For not noticing--for having to have Hiei spell things out for him like a little child. No one should have had to explain Kurama's aversion to being touched to him; no one should have had to explain the change in his scent, either. Yusuke was forced to deem himself either willfully blind or terminally stupid.

_But_, a voice of self-defense spoke up, _Kurama doesn't know. And you've been so completely focused on Kurama that anything that's not in his field of vision, isn't in yours._

_But he was Karasu's son… that should have been my first tip-off…_

At the time of the Dark Tournament, Yusuke hadn't blinked an eye at Karasu's attitude towards Kurama. If he had noticed how intensely Kurama was taking the fight, he would have chalked it up to the fact that their lives hung on winning; he had been too focused on Toguro, on Genkai's death, to care about what his teammates went through as long as they were alive at the end of it. Later, though, he had looked back on Karasu and Kurama's conversation in the ring, and become slightly weirded out by it. He had wanted to ask about it, but there was no one to ask--Kuwabara wouldn't have had a clue, Hiei was MIA and he wasn't brave enough to ask Kurama.

So to this day, Yusuke was unsure just what had happened between the two of them, or exactly what form Karasu's interest in Kurama had taken. But he knew enough about it that he should have guessed, when Kurama said Satsuki was Karasu's son, that more than physical torture had been involved.

And yet… even Hiei had admitted to deceiving himself on this. _I didn't want to believe it was true_.Hiei was not the type to hide from unpleasant truths, but he had this time, and Yusuke wasn't calling _him_ an idiot. Maybe they'd all been hiding from it.

_And at any rate, it doesn't matter what I knew or when I knew it or how I found out---I know now. I have to keep him from knowing. How do I do that…_

"Got a bug up your ass?"

Yusuke flinched. "You know, Grandma, you should wear a bell around your neck or something."

"If a powerful demon like you can't sense an old wizened up human like me approaching, that's your problem, not mine. But you've got that destructive look on your face, and I swear if either you or Hiei destroy any more of my trees I will kick both your asses out, regardless of what it does to Kurama."

"Hiei was hoping Kurama would feel compelled to fix the damage," Yusuke explained. "You know, make Kurama stretch himself a bit."

"Well, Kurama needs to heal at his own pace, not Hiei's. And Hiei needs to stop expecting Kurama to clean up his messes for him--or at the very lease, get a better excuse for massacring my foliage."

"Sounds like a bug crawled up _your_ ass."

Genkai leveled a deathly glare at him. "Tell your lover the plant life is _not_ here for him to exorcise his frustrations on, and that I don't care if Kurama puts it right again, I know what he did. And don't choke and splutter at me like that, Yusuke, you honestly think I'm not aware of everything that goes on inside this temple?"

"--Just tell me you do _not_ have cameras, you perverted old--"

"Oh get a _grip_ on yourself! I don't need cameras to notice the difference in your energy--and I'd rather fight in a hundred thousand Dark Tournaments than spy on your sex life!"

"Yeah right, you old hag, you just want to--"

Yusuke was cut off as Genkai punched him. This required him to prove that he was now stronger than her and didn't need to take her abuse, which resulted in her sitting on top of him a few moments later, his arms and legs bent rather painfully. "Alright, fine, you're not a perverted old lady, just a really mean one. Now get off me. And don't hold me responsible if Hiei kills more trees, I don't have anywhere near the influence over him that you seem to think I do."

"So you know you can't so much as keep Hiei from blasting a few lousy trees, and yet you seem to believe you can make Kurama well?"

"I never said I--OW!"

"Don't interrupt when your elders are talking. And you don't need to say anything, Yusuke, I know you well enough to guess. You're angry at Kurama for being hurt--except you can't let yourself be angry at him, so you'll get mad at yourself instead, or maybe at Hiei, you two have been yelling at each other a lot. I honestly don't know which of you has the worse ego--but clearly you've both forgotten that Kurama is smarter than the two of you put together and older than dirt to boot. He can heal himself, if you two would just stop fumbling around trying to help and let him get on with it."

"You know, this lecture would have been a lot more effective if you hadn't been _sitting_ on me when you gave it."

"On the contrary, the pain will help you remember." Genkai felt Yusuke's muscles bunching slightly and leapt lightly off him before he could make a bid for freedom. "Oh, and I _will_ hold you responsible for any more dead trees around here." And she walked off.

"Why does her version of therapy always include insults and physical pain?" Yusuke griped aloud, to no one. He rotated his shoulders, trying to get the soreness out of them, and reflected that he had better pass the "no more dead trees" message on to Hiei in a manner that would actually achieve that result, rather than a defiant increase in tree slayings.

Then he started thinking about what she had said about Kurama. It didn't feel quite right. Okay, yeah, she was right that he was smarter than they were giving him credit for--_smarter than the two of us put together and older than dirt, I wonder how he'd react to that description?--_but Yusuke had the distinct impression that Kurama would _not_ heal himself if left to his own devices. He needed their presence…

But maybe that was all he needed. Kurama must have known what he was doing when he split himself; maybe if he could just get the support he needed from Hiei and Yusuke being nearby, he _would_ heal himself.

_God, I hope he really did know what he was doing._

Yusuke stayed in the garden another hour or two, trying to get angry again so he could work through it, but the anger had fled. He tried, too, to find any other thoughts on the subject so he could duke it out with them, mindful of Hiei's admonition not to go upstairs until he was able to show no response. But he only felt slightly blank. So when it started getting cold, he ceased the random wandering and headed for Kurama's room.

Unsure if the other two were awake, Yusuke snuck into the room, shutting the door softly behind him. Enough moonlight was coming in through the window for him to see the bed clearly; Hiei was curled up on the far side, eyes shut, and Kurama was lying on his side watching Yusuke. It was immediately clear to Yusuke that Kurama had been waiting up for him.

"Hiei asleep?" Yusuke inquired in a whisper, crossing over to the bed.

"He's hibernating," Kurama corrected him quietly.

Yusuke blinked. "He…"

"He's hibernating," Kurama repeated. "At first he just fell asleep, but then it deepened." The worried expression on Kurama's face was the exact same look he'd worn all day. "He's not injured, I checked. He must have just exhausted himself."

Yusuke tried to figure out what to do about this disturbing news. Was it just what he had been thinking earlier, that he and Hiei were exhausting themselves caring for Kurama? Could that be enough to push Hiei into a hibernation? Then again, he didn't know what Hiei had been doing all day--he could easily imagine Hiei's frustration and anger on finally acknowledging what had happened to Kurama trumping the little temper tantrum Yusuke'd just had in the gardens. He had probably exhausted himself, physically, and then the combination of physical and emotional exhaustion had caught up to him.

Kurama watched as Yusuke sat down and reached past him to gently brush Hiei's hair back from his face, frowning at the paleness of his skin. "He's alright?"

Kurama nodded. "He's fine. Just exhausted."

"You didn't have to wait up for me, you know."

"I wanted to tell you never to do that again."

Yusuke blinked at the steel in Kurama's voice, and looked up at him. Kurama met his gaze steadily, looking slightly reproachful. "I realize that you were both trying to keep me from getting involved in your fight and I appreciate it, but I don't want one of us leaving whenever there's a fight."

So he had believed their story. The rush of relief was accompanied with a stab of guilt, for deceiving him and for causing him yet more worry. "Okay," Yusuke said softly.

Kurama was still watching him intently. "Okay?" he questioned.

"Okay. I'm sorry." Contrary to soothing Kurama, Yusuke saw his expression tighten a notch. Realizing that Kurama was not going to calm down quickly and worried about waking Hiei when he obviously was in desperate need of rest, Yusuke held out an arm to Kurama. "C'mon, let's go talk in the other room so we don't disturb him."

Kurama allowed Yusuke to help him into the next room--a connecting room, which Yusuke had basically taken over for the last week, so that his clothes were scattered all over creation. Yusuke was pleased with how steadily Kurama picked his way past the clothes over to the other bed. _See, he is getting better. It will be okay. It _will

"You seem upset," Kurama commented as he sat down.

"That's because you're upset," Yusuke countered, which was not exactly a lie. "Besides, let's face it, today really sucked."

"Why didn't you tell me you and Hiei were fighting?"

There was a very accusatory edge to Kurama's voice; Yusuke could tell he had not quite bought the story. "I didn't know that we were," Yusuke replied. "I didn't realize he'd gotten so mad at me. I'm really sorry."

Kurama didn't say anything; just looked at him, looked at him with sorrowful eyes. "What?" Yusuke was finally forced to ask.

"Stop apologizing," Kurama said softly.

Bemused, Yusuke said, "You don't want me to apologize?"

"I really don't," Kurama replied readily. "Yusuke, you… you've spent the whole day acting apologetic. It's like you feel--"

"What?" Yusuke prompted when Kurama cut himself off. "Like I feel what?"

"Like you don't belong," Kurama finished helplessly. Before Yusuke could do more than open his mouth, Kurama continued. "I mean, the way you stayed with me _all day_ and kept apologizing for Hiei being gone, and then the second he shows up you disappear--it's like you think I'd rather be with him."

Yusuke blinked a few times. His first reaction was to tell Kurama that was ridiculous, or possibly make fun of him for having thought of something so convoluted--but for some reason, he couldn't say any of it. He wound up sitting there silently, and that seemed to give Kurama more steam. "Yusuke, don't be an idiot about this. I've been lying there thinking about it since Hiei fell asleep and there's no way this is going to work if--if you're jealous of him--if you think I love him more than I love you. So please, just sit down and--talk to me about this," he finished sadly.

Yusuke realized he had been standing and gawking, and obediently sat down. Kurama gave him a stern look that indicated this was one silence he was not going to fill. Yusuke struggled to put his thoughts in order. "Well--it's nothing, it's just that you've known him longer--" Kurama's lips thinned, and Yusuke decided he'd exceeded his quota of lies for the day. He tried to figure out how to be honest without sounding like he was accusing Kurama of anything. "Okay--from the second I met you, you told me you had a thing for him. I've always known that, right? So, how can something that's developed over so many years be…I mean, it's okay if it--if it is stronger, I guess I figured since you've known him longer and you've had a deeper bond with him all these years that maybe you needed more from him, right now."

Kurama was silent for a moment. Yusuke was getting pretty good at reading Kurama's expressions but this was one he couldn't interpret--either he was about to start crying or about to kick Yusuke's ass. "Yusuke," he finally said, "it's true, I did tell you I liked Hiei on the day we met. And then the day after that I stood in between the two of you and let Hiei hurt me, and hurt him in turn, for you. You can't continue to believe I care for Hiei more than you. He and I have had a stronger bond--but that's partly because everyone always wanted your attention, and partly because of Keiko, and anyway it's not going to continue. You were right, last night, to say that Hiei and I would have done this years ago if we could get over our pride and stop quarreling--but we couldn't do that without you."

Kurama stopped talking then, but not like he was done; like he just didn't know what to say next. Yusuke didn't know what to say either. After a minute, he hesitantly scooted closer; Kurama immediately moved forward too. The tension seemed to break, and the next thing Yusuke knew Kurama was in his arms and they were kissing gently. "Please don't do this anymore," Kurama said quietly when the kiss was broken.

_If I could only explain to him the real reason I had to let Hiei come up here alone tonight… but I guess this is part of it, too._ "I'm sorry," he said for what seemed the fiftieth time, but probably the most heartfelt as well.

"I didn't ask if you were sorry."

"I won't do it again," Yusuke said quickly, with a small smile for the fox's insistence. Then, careful not to make a promise he wasn't sure he could keep, he amended, "I'll try. I am kinda used to assuming Hiei knows best when it comes to you."

Kurama laid his head on Yusuke's shoulder, tried for a moment to come up with a way to contradict this, then gave up and instead said, "I love you."

"Love you too," Yusuke replied softly, gently nuzzling his hairline and feeling his insides swelling happily.

"Don't do it again."

"I won't," Yusuke repeated, suppressing a laugh. Kurama's voice was getting quite drowsy, and it made his single-mindedness cute. Yusuke pulled Kurama closer and settled down, expecting the fox to fall asleep easily; but it was many reassurances and comforting touches later before Kurama's breathing finally evened out. His worry kept him awake, just like Hiei's worry had exhausted him to the point of hibernation; and just like Yusuke's worry kept him up even past the time Kurama finally surrendered to sleep, watching the fox and listening intently for any sound of wakefulness from the other room, wishing there was something more helpful he could do than watch over their sleep.


	16. Nightmares

Chapter Sixteen: Nightmares

For somebody who had spent the majority of his life sleeping on tree branches, Hiei had adapted remarkably quickly to his new sleeping arrangement. He woke because he sensed there weren't enough bodies with him in this warm, overly soft bed; and he knew, before his eyes had fully opened, who it was that was missing.

The nightmares had started over a week ago. They were bad. Kurama could not ever recall what they had been about after he woke--or at least, he claimed not to be able to. But sometimes Hiei shared them--if he was sleeping next to Kurama when one struck, and not involved in any dream of his own, the Jagan would catch an echo of the kitsune's dreamscape. Hiei did not mention this to anyone. The images he caught were confused and disoriented, but not so much that Hiei could not tell they were of Satsuki's fortress--this was unsurprising, and nothing worth keeping silent about. But the depth of pain and humiliation that accompanied the disjointed images, the strength of fury and the sheer depth of helplessness--these were things that Hiei could not begin to speak of.

After the first night Kurama woke crying out, Hiei and Yusuke had quickly reached an accord not to try to discuss the dreams. This was because they _had_ tried to discuss it on that first night, and when Kurama had dismissed it they had both persisted with questions until Kurama's agitation had increased so much he jumped out of the bed. It took more than an hour of placation before he would come back; no further attempts at listening and deciphering had been made.

The dreams continued every night. Frequently Hiei or Yusuke would start from their sleep before Kurama did, disturbed by his shaking; then they would wake him and try to offer some kind of comfort, any comfort, even if it was only an arm across his back. Occasionally Kurama would wake before his cries had alerted either of them, and then he would lie there trembling and sweating until dawn, refusing to wake either of them.

He never went back to sleep.

None of them were getting enough sleep, to tell the truth. Hiei had been shocked to wake up a week ago and discover that physical and emotional exhaustion had pushed him into a hibernation; but now, he felt that he might slip into another one easily, and was guarding carefully against it. Kurama himself was paler than ever, and the Detective had massive circles under his eyes and kept insisting through jaw-cracking yawns that he was perfectly alert.

There was definitely not an atmosphere of health in the temple these days.

Kurama was still managing some physical improvements, despite the lack of sleep; he could walk without aide much of the time now, and had begun very basic conditioning exercises to restore his muscle tone. It was enough of a facsimile of progress that Shiori was chipper these days, flitting around the temple like a pleasant bird. Of course, she had never been able to see through Kurama's lies.

But Hiei could. He sat there on the center of the bed, his knees drawn up to his chest, listening to Yusuke snoring lightly and watching the outline Kurama made in the moonlight. _Why doesn't he wake us?_ And the answer came, painful and immediate in its truth: _Because he doesn't want us around._

For the first few days after their relationship changed, after that night in the woods, Kurama had been so affectionate as to border on clingy. He was more concerned than either Yusuke or Hiei was that it would be difficult to make a three-way relationship work, and he was also clearly in need of physical reassurance, desperate for something pleasurable that would anchor him to his body in the face of the pain that drove him away from it. But then the dreams had started in.

Kurama had quickly grown quiet and distant, over the course of just a few days. At first Hiei had entertained a hope that Kurama was beginning to patch himself back together mentally, isolating himself so that he could sort through his memories and break down the barriers. But if the fox had been doing that, Hiei would have expected new and volatile emotional states to surface, and that had not been the case. If anything, Kurama was deteriorating. Where he had once clung to Yusuke and Hiei's presence, even in unconsciousness, he now withdrew from them for hours and hours at a time, preferring to sit by himself. Though he responded to any advances Hiei or Yusuke made sexually he never initiated anything himself, something Hiei realized was a red flag. And if either of the two mentioned any sort of concern over him, he would change the topic or fall silent.

And now here he was, alone again, having chosen to leave their bed instead of waking either or both for comfort. Hiei was not of a mind to let it continue. Being careful not to disturb Yusuke--though in truth he doubted anything short of a cannonball could have woken the exhausted boy--Hiei lifted himself off the bed and went to join Kurama on the porch.

Kurama showed no reaction to his presence, except for a subtle, barely perceptible shift in his posture that let Hiei know the fox was aware he had company. Hiei didn't force him to speak. Instead, he moved to stand behind Kurama and began lightly running his hands through his hair. He'd noticed that Kurama responded well to this gesture, particularly from him; he wasn't sure, but he guessed that it was sufficiently unlike him that Kurama found it endearing. Neither of them spoke for several moments; the silent passage pleasure, however small a pleasure, from one to the other was communication enough.

It was Kurama who eventually broke the silence. "The time just before dawn is sacred," he noted, as if observing something distant and far away. "Lately I find myself drawn to it."

"Lately you can't sleep, you mean."

"Your statement does not invalidate my statement."

"Come back to bed."

"No thank you." Kurama's voice was quiet, but firm.

But Hiei was done letting it go. "You have to sleep. You'll never recover this way."

Kurama didn't say anything. They both knew Hiei was correct. Hiei continued running his fingers through Kurama's shockingly red hair, thinking that the worst part of this was that he didn't know what to do. Everyone expected him to, even Yusuke depended on him to be the one who would discover a way to heal the fox--when all Hiei could do was point out what was wrong with him. Diagnosis without treatment. He didn't know how to combat this silent, creeping illness--not of the body, but the spirit--that was coming over Kurama.

"I want to go home," Kurama said quietly.

Hiei's hands stilled. _This is bad_. If Kurama went home, he would be surrounded by humans who he could fool easily into thinking he was healthy. And there was no place for Hiei and Yusuke in Shiori's house. Hiei kept his tone casual. "If you don't want to sleep with us anymore, fox, just say so. We'll go back to how it was. You're not ready to go home."

"Yes I am. I'll never get better if I stay here."

Hiei removed his hands from Kurama's hair and moved so that he could face Kurama, wanting to see his face and not even trying to be subtle about it. Kurama didn't try to prevent Hiei's study of him. He was pale and his eyes couldn't hold Hiei's, but he was not trembling and he seemed--not exactly resolute, but resolved. Resigned.

Fear--genuine fear--swept through Hiei and took up painful residence in his gut. And along with it came anger, the anger he had been fighting off for a month now. "You're suicidal."

"No, I--"

"Yes. I don't know why, I don't know how I know, I don't understand it but don't tell me you're not. Don't lie to me. I recognize how you look."

"I'm not."

Hiei just barely caught himself from yelling, remembering at the last second that Yusuke was sleeping a few feet away. "Do. Not. Lie to me."

"If you weren't so damned convinced of your own infallibility, you might recognize the possibility that I'm not lying," Kurama shot back, his own anger finally bubbling over in response to Hiei's.

Only this time--instead of all the irritations Hiei had provoked over the past weeks, trying to draw out the anger he must feel for Satsuki--this time the fight was real, and the anger was all for each other. They had reached a breaking point. "Fine; I'm fallible and you're not suicidal," Hiei snarled. "So tell me what else can put that expression on your face like you've accepted your death!"

"Maybe because I'm dying."

Hiei felt like he'd been drenched with cold water, out of nowhere--not just surprised, but extinguished. Kurama held his eyes, and continued without mercy. "Have you stopped to consider that, Hiei? That what you see in my eyes is death and you assume I'm pursuing it, but the fact is I'm dying regardless of what I want. You really want to know why I won't go back to sleep? Because I'm losing the distinction between reality and nonreality and I'm afraid to die in those dreams. I know I will. They suck the life from everything I do and I can't recover this way, and you know it. And that's why you think you see suicide in my eyes, because I'm dying and you can't do anything to stop it, and I just want to go home."

Kurama stopped, suddenly, because the last words had come out choked and Hiei knew he was dangerously close to tears; and he also knew that Kurama had done enough crying in the last few weeks to last him a lifetime, and wouldn't do so now in front of Hiei or anybody. Kurama focused his gaze on the lightening sky again, face set and eyes resolutely dry.

Hiei found himself with absolutely nothing to say. There was nothing, really, that could be said anymore. _I'm losing it as well; the distinction between reality and nightmare_. Because there was no nightmare worse than standing here, next to Kurama, watching the death in his eyes and knowing no way to stop it. _Let me still be asleep; let me be sharing this dream with him, instead of this reality._

"Going home to die won't help," he finally said, but with little force. His words were too obvious to merit being said; Kurama knew that before he chose and didn't need Hiei to tell him. But over the years silence between them had come to mean acceptance, and Hiei could not accept what Kurama had said.

"It's what animals do." Kurama's voice was distant. But then he glanced at the fire demon standing so stiffly, so tensely, next to him, and his face turned to one of those expressions that said Hiei was acting cute. It was out of place, and Hiei wracked his brains for why Kurama would look at him like that now, but before he could come up with answers Kurama had reached out and lightly taken his hand--a peace offering. "Hiei, when I say I want to go home, I don't mean Shiori's house."

If Kurama's earlier words had been a cascade of water, dousing everything, this was the spark of kindling. Even if he didn't know the why, Hiei had the what. "Makai."

"Yes."

"If you left right now, you might avoid being killed until noon."

"I had hoped the two of you would come along."

More relief--and this time, Kurama was carefully watching for it. "Don't ever worry that I'm implying I want you gone, Hiei," he said sternly. "If I do change my mind I'll tell you flat out; I haven't changed that much."

Hiei didn't bother to reply; he knew his body language was easy for Kurama to read, and he knew that enough had been said for the issue to be closed. In any case, he had a more persistent question: why would someone who had a quiet temple to recover in, surrounded by loving people and lush plant life, seek the despair and havoc of Makai? "So you seek demon world. Are you trying to return to Youko? He must be in less pain than you."

"Why are you complaining? You crave the Makai."

"Kurama doesn't."

Kurama's face tightened at the use of the third person. "I want to go back."

It took Hiei a moment to arrive at Kurama's meaning from the subtle connotations he had used; but when he did, the kindling spark from before turned into a blazing, enraged fire. "Oh, _hell_ no."

"Why not? He's dead, isn't he?" Kurama's voice was steel.

"I've always thought you were a masochist, but you're surpassing yourself here. If you've really run out of pain I'm perfectly willing to break some of those bones again for you."

"Thanks for your consideration. But then you'd have to carry me there."

"Hell no. We are not going."

"Alright. But _I'm_ going."

"What purpose could you possibly have?"

"To remember."

Hiei stiffened up again, worse than he had before. Kurama glanced at him and gave a crooked grin, not of true pleasure but grim satisfaction--and Hiei realized how neatly he'd just been played. Kurama suspected something was wrong with his memory--but he couldn't know, for certain, because his own defenses were too damned good to let him discover much. So he had tested Hiei. And Hiei's split-second reaction to Kurama's statement had told the fox more than hours of questioning could have.

"Clever fox," Hiei grumbled, and Kurama smiled without it really reaching his eyes again. "But you're not going. This is absurdly dangerous."

The smiles vanished instantly, and Kurama had become ice. "If you think it's less dangerous to stay here, then you've lost it. I'll remind you that _you're_ the one who said I was dying."

Hiei would have given a heated answer, but stopped just before he opened his mouth. He and Kurama subsided into moody silence, glaring resentfully at each other, listening to Yusuke stir and waiting to see if he would fall back asleep. Either their voices had become too loud, or their emotional states too elevated. Either way their silence didn't do any good, because a moment later Yusuke was behind them, leaning casually against the side of the building and inquiring, "So what's the fight about this time?"

"He wants to go to Makai," Hiei informed Yusuke, letting his tone indicate his opinion of the idea.

Kurama stood. "Actually, I'm going to Makai. Tomorrow, and by myself if necessary--though if there's any concern about my ability to defend myself, you are of course both welcome to accompany me. I'm going to bathe now."

Even limping on legs that didn't quite want to support him yet, Kurama managed to sweep past them with remarkable ice and dignity. Yusuke watched him with raised eyebrows, Hiei with a scowl, but neither said anything. After the fox was gone, Yusuke sat down on the chair Kurama'd been occupying. "Why does he want to go to Makai?"

"He wants to go back to Satsuki's fortress. He knows something's wrong with his memory; he thinks going there will fix it."

"Will it?"

"Possibly," Hiei admitted reluctantly. "But I can't think of a more traumatic way to go about it. It could make him split again, worse than before."

"Then we shouldn't let him go."

"You heard him. He's going. If we care about his survival we're free to follow. Of course, I'm sure it will improve our strained relationship if we physically prevent him from moving, so there's that option." (_Kurama?)_

(_Get out of my head. I can take a bath now without passing out.)_

_(Rules still apply.)_

Yusuke looked like he was brooding over something. Hiei let him get on with it. After a moment, Yusuke spoke quietly. "Should we tell him? I mean--instead of letting him do this and maybe get hurt, should we tell him what we know? Wouldn't that be less traumatic?"

Hiei considered. "I don't know," he had to admit. Which was worse--finding something out by yourself, in a difficult way, or finding out gently from being told by someone else? Which would tear more at the fox's already damaged dignity? Some people might say dignity was irrelevant at this point, but Hiei had seen enough wounded people to know that preserving a sense of dignity could be the difference between life and death. Then something else occurred to Hiei. "The question is whether he'll believe us."

Yusuke was quiet. He looked like he wanted to contradict Hiei, saying something like _of course he'll believe us, he loves us, he trusts us, _but he knew Hiei was right. Kurama was so deep in denial that even hearing the truth from two people he loved and trusted might not make it real--after all, they hadn't been there, they couldn't know for certain what had happened, they were only guessing. And that wouldn't be good enough.

"Yeah," Yusuke finally said, reluctantly. "I guess--he might not. And even if he did he would--"

"Resent us," Hiei finished for him. "Which is a selfish reason to not tell him, but I won't deny I'd thought of it too."

"But--but if he goes and find out and then finds out _we_ already knew and we just kind of let him go through that instead of telling him--isn't that a terrible thing to do? I mean, it takes away the importance of his finding out, if we already knew. It's like we were toying with him or something."

"Toying?"

"Don't flare up at me like that. If it was you who was hurt and you found out Kurama and I had kept something like this from you, even if it was because we didn't think you could handle it--especially if it was because we didn't think you couldn't it--you would be pissed as hell."

Hiei carefully clamped down on his energy, not even having realized he had reacted so violently. He was too tired to have the level of control he was accustomed to. "Let's feel fortunate it's not me, then. Kurama's not so--so--"

"Touchy," Yusuke finished with a grin. Hiei scowled. "So, if we don't tell him--and you're right, we can't stop him physically--then we have to go with him."

Hiei brooded for a moment, not liking that answer. Yusuke let him have his silence. And it was the absence of conversation that made Hiei realize he had become focused on it and not checked on Kurama in several minutes. (_Kurama?)_

(_I thought we had established you were leaving me alone.)_

(_Not happening.)_

_(Go to hell.)_

_(We seem to have decided to travel in a group--does that mean you're coming with me on that trip?)_

_(I'm there, thanks.)_

And it was that, more than anything, that caused Hiei to turn to Yusuke and say, "Whatever happens, he can't stay like this. Let's let him go."


	17. Journeying

Chapter Seventeen: Journeying

"Stop it."

Hiei glared at the head of red hair in front of him. "We are not doing anything."

"You're talking about me telepathically. I told you not to do that when I'm right next to you. It's rude."

"Like we care. But if you want to know what we're talking about, we're complaining about this whole asinine journey and the lovely swamp you're currently dragging us through, and we're not being very polite." Yusuke grinned at Hiei's bald-faced lie. "So it would really be ruder of us to speak out loud."

"There _is_ the option of saying nothing at all."

"Hn."

Kurama subsided into moody silence. He was walking a few feet ahead of Hiei and Yusuke--because, to their dismay, they had both discovered they couldn't remember how to get to Satsuki's fortress. They had jumped back and forth across the Makai countless times on their search for Kurama, and followed up countless leads--neither could remember which lead it was that had finally proven successful. Kurama, on the other hand, had seared the path into his brain while he was being escorted there, in case of escape. And suspecting that Hiei and Yusuke were scheming something, he refused to tell them the way. Which meant he had to lead.

Hiei and Yusuke were not scheming; they were trying to, but it was hard to scheme when you weren't in accord. The two were doing endless loops of verbal battle--what to do when they arrived at Satsuki's lair, what to do if Kurama broke down, but mostly whether to skip the whole thing by telling him. Currently Hiei was in favor of telling him and Yusuke was against it, but those positions had flipped twice just since that morning. They kept becoming convinced of the other's argument at exactly the same moment. It was infuriating.

"_Stop_ it."

"Aw, c'mon Kurama. We're complimenting you," Yusuke told him. "It's fun walking behind you and staring at your ass all day long. We're making big plans for tonight."

"First you're insulting me, then you're complimenting me. Get your lies straight."

Hiei spoke. "If you know we're lying, why should we bother getting the lies straight?"

"You have an excellent point. Let me expand on it. If I know you're lying, why not skip the lies altogether and tell me what you're talking about?"

"Why not tell us where we're going?" Hiei countered.

"I don't trust you."

"Exactly."

The mood was nowhere near as combative as their words, but it was nonetheless a little strained. Yusuke and Hiei's decision to come along with Kurama instead of trying to prevent this journey had put him in a kind mood towards them, if not a trusting one. But each of the three was filled with tension over the thought of what might happen when they actually reached the fortress, and it was difficult not to take it out on each other.

By nightfall Hiei and Yusuke had swapped opinions three more times, and Kurama had given up telling them to stop talking. He had managed a much more effective embargo on any telepathic conversation: while the other two had been distracted by their argument, he had quietly insinuated himself into their mental connection. Hiei had discovered him before anything important had been said, and tossed him out so indignantly that it had made both Kurama and Yusuke laugh. Kurama had then clarified that he hadn't really expected to hear anything, and was teasing them, but nonetheless silence had been maintained for the rest of the day's travel. It was bad enough not being in accord over what to do; having Kurama listen in to the whole mess would just make it worse.

_Although, it would solve one problem_, Hiei admitted to himself, amusing himself by watching Yusuke attempt to build a fire. Eventually it would occur to him to ask the fire demon for help. _If Kurama found out what we suspect--but that's all they are to him, suspicions. Even though I believe it beyond a doubt to be true, I cannot prove it. And I don't know if our word will be enough to break those walls he built._

_And I don't know if he'll ever forgive us if we _don't_ tell him._

_And I don't know if he'll survive this trip no matter what we do. How nice for us, to go through so much trouble to save him only to escort him neatly back to death._ Hiei could not quite seem to get rid of his anger at the fox for daring to be so frail.

"Hey, freak. How about you stop sniggering and come light this thing on fire already?"

"You mean you're through being the evening's entertainment? It was quite good."

"Don't make me hurt you."

"Don't make me prove that you can't." Hiei lit the accumulated fuel on fire with a glance.

"You didn't have to sit there watching and--"

"Stop it," Kurama said, yet again, and with a great deal of irritation. Now that they had stopped for the night he was allowing himself to feel the exhaustion of the day's march, and it was taking a toll on his already strained mood. "I don't want to have to send you to separate corners and babysit all night."

There was a rather pregnant pause. Kurama glanced at them with some surprise. "You must really think I'm in bad shape. Neither of you picked up on the 'who's babysitting who' line."

"We're just more polite than you," Yusuke grumbled. Kurama raised an eyebrow. "Okay, so I thought it was a cheap shot. Nobody's babysitting anybody."

"Speak for yourself, Detective."

"Hiei, you can just--"

"Stop it," Kurama said again, with force. "Do you two have to take this out on each other? If you have something to say to me, say it. Otherwise, stop it."

There was a short, surprised silence. Hiei rallied quickly. "I said everything I had to say, repeatedly. You just didn't listen."

"For the record, just because I didn't agree doesn't mean I didn't listen. But I don't think you have said everything you have to say, or the two of you wouldn't have been nattering at each other all day. You're sitting on something and you're not sure if you dare say it out loud, so you talk at each other in your minds all day and it's worse than hearing people whispering. I wish you would just decide whether to tell me or not so you can be through talking behind my back."

Kurama was facing the fire, knees drawn up to his chest, not looking at either of them. "But in truth, it doesn't matter what you say," he continued evenly, his voice smooth but his shoulders tense. "I don't care if it's truth or lies you're discussing so earnestly, I don't care what you know or think you know. There's nothing you could say that could stop me from making this journey. I have to know for myself, I have to be certain and that's not something either of you can give me. So just--stop it," he finished tiredly.

There was a long silence after this sudden speech, the sudden putting into words of the tension that had ruled all day. Yusuke gave Hiei a dismayed look, but Hiei didn't return it. His eyes were focused on the dirt between his feet, just as fixedly as Kurama was staring at the fire. Yusuke found himself glancing warily between the two.

It was Hiei who broke the silence. "If that's the way it has to be," he said finally, still apparently transfixed with the dirt, "then that's that."

"It's how it has to be." Kurama would not look back either. They didn't like causing each other pain, and liked witnessing it even less; but they would do it. Yusuke had a fleeting desire to force them to look at each other while they did this, but he controlled it.

Instead, he waited for Hiei to look up, and met his eyes inquiringly when he did. Hiei shrugged. (_That's that._)

Yusuke hesitated, then nodded. He didn't like it, but Hiei was right. They had no more choices but to go.

Yusuke and Hiei were both taken aback when they stepped out of the shelter of the forest the next day and suddenly found themselves face-to-face with the remains of Satsuki's fortress. "You could have told us we were so close," Hiei said reproachfully.

"I thought you could smell the bodies rotting," Kurama replied, not looking back.

"There's always bodies rotting in Makai," Hiei pointed out.

"Sorry." But Kurama didn't sound sorry; he didn't sound like he was paying the conversation any attention at all. He stepped forward lightly, not seeming to care if they were going to follow.

Yusuke caught him by the elbow. "Hey, hold up a minute. Don't you want to wait?"

"For what?"

"Just--you don't have to rush in. I mean, face it, it's going to suck for you to go in there. Take a minute and compose yourself, at least." Yusuke's tone was almost angry--wishing he could stop Kurama, or at least find a better way to warn him.

But Kurama shook him off. "Nothing will change if we delay." And he moved forward again.

Hiei followed, keeping close to the redhead and directing one of his more impressive scowls at his back. When Yusuke stayed put, rooted in frustration, Hiei turned to look at him and cocked an eyebrow. (_You going to help me keep this idiot alive or not?)_

Yusuke caught up to them. He could feel that Hiei's frustration, too, was rising to a fever pitch, with having to follow instead of lead and not being able to make Kurama listen, much less tell him what they wanted to--but he could also see that Hiei accepted there was nothing to do except follow or let him go on alone. And that wasn't a choice at all.

The fortress was a ghostly place. There were bodies still lying amongst the rubble, but not that many--Satsuki had not had ambitions of being a great lord or kept many underlings around him. His power lay in his fortress, nearly impenetrable, and in his own strength. Kurama glanced at the bodies and the wreckage as he passed, but seemed unaffected by them. He moved slowly, having to concentrate to keep his balance amongst all the debris, two dark shadows trailing less than a foot behind him.

The silence that had fallen over the three when they passed the outer walls continued, becoming deep and pervasive as they approached the keep itself. There were fewer bodies to be stepped past here, and only one site of wreckage. Kurama paused to look over the gaping hole in the thick castle wall, smiling slightly, undoubtedly admiring the traces of both his lovers' energy that still clung to it. It had taken a double attack for them to break through.

The wreckage here was so bad that Kurama was forced to accept help crawling through it; he didn't say anything, didn't even look at them when they took his arms. Yusuke sent Hiei a troubled glance, but Hiei seemed to have fallen into the same mental state as Kurama; head down, teeth gritted, getting through what had to be done, not looking at anyone. Yusuke felt a brief stab of envy for their ability; but his wish that he could share in it faded quickly. Somebody had to worry.

When they finally made it past the labyrinth of rock and rubble, the smell of death faded, but there was no smell of life to replace it. Kurama looked around almost the same way someone would look visiting the house they grew up in; like he was looking for things he might recognize, and not finding them. There was no real outward sign of it, but both his companions nonetheless felt the subtle change in his energy; whatever he was experiencing, it was not what he had wanted. Nonetheless, he stepped forward.

Yusuke and Hiei followed as closely as was physically possible; Kurama continued to ignore them. Their passage through the fortress was silent. Although Kurama had led them unerringly to this place, now that they were inside he did not seem to be following any particular path, or to even know where he was going. His path through the many rooms was winding and aimless, and he continued to look around without a real reaction to what he saw.

Until he entered one room, seemingly no different from the others. Kurama walked into it and stopped dead three paces in--both Yusuke and Hiei were so hard on his heels that they ran into him, and nearly knocked him over. His short, soft intake of breath was easily heard. "What is it?" Yusuke asked urgently.

Kurama didn't reply. His eyes were wide, and even as they watched they turned slightly inward, unfocused. "What do you see?" Hiei demanded.

He received no more answer than Yusuke had. Kurama took a halting step forward, but stopped, seeming half-paralyzed. Yusuke shook him roughly, intending to snap him out of it, and was alarmed to find that his eyes didn't reorient in response to the shaking. "Kurama!"

Nothing. Hiei stepped in front of him, putting himself into Kurama's line of sight, and spoke with a mixture of worry and furious authority. "Kurama, answer us." Yusuke heard the mental echo that followed-- (_Kurama, speak. Now._)

He did not. Yusuke met Hiei's eyes over his shoulder. "Shit!" he exclaimed.

Hiei wasted no time on cursing. "Yusuke, help me get him out of here. Now."


	18. Run and Hide

Chapter Eighteen: Run and Hide

Kurama was frozen in place, staring past them into an apparently empty room, clearly seeing something neither of them could. Yusuke grabbed his arm and gave him a hard tug. "C'mon, Kurama. Let's get out of here, _now._"

He hadn't really expected a response, and he didn't get one. Kurama remained staring ahead with a glassy expression, not moving. Still, Yusuke hoped that Kurama could at least hear his voice. Hiei firmly gripped Kurama's other arm, and shot Yusuke a look which Yusuke interpreted to mean _let's get him out of here by whatever means necessary._ Yusuke nodded.

Kurama took a few stumbling steps backwards in response to suddenly being pushed, no-nonsense, away from the room; but when they passed back through the doorway, his face suddenly twisted into an expression of anger. Between one second and the next, he had wrenched himself out of their grip and had dashed back into the room.

His name came automatically from both of their lips, but they were both after him before they'd finished calling, knowing it wouldn't do any good. When they caught him he was a writhing, flailing mess--not a precision fighter, but a panicking animal. He was kicking and twisting and writhing out of their grip, hitting and scratching and even biting at them. It took Yusuke and Hiei longer than it should have to catch hold of him--they were used to fighting back, never having had to capture someone without hurting him. The first time he did get a good grip on Kurama's arm, Yusuke was amazed by the strength with which Kurama wrenched it away--there was more strength in that one single movement than Yusuke had guessed he had recovered in his whole body.

One on each side, agonizingly slowly, Yusuke and Hiei managed to maneuver Kurama back into the hallway. Kurama's frenzy seemed to worsen as they pushed him back over the threshold of the door, but he didn't speak--none of them did. The silence, broken only by heavy breathing and scuffling noises, was eerie. There was less room in the hallway and it was easier for the other two to block Kurama; they both stayed between him and the room, neither having the slightest fear that he would bolt the other way. Their progress was laborious; a few feet back, then a few forward as Kurama surged against them, then a few steps back again.

"Where--the hell--are we going?" Yusuke panted as they reached a fork in the corridor, again displaying his knack for not remembering ways he'd come bfore.

"Left," Hiei grunted, taking a solid kick to the stomach to avoid losing the tenuous grasp he had on Kurama's forearm. "Follow the smell of fresh air."

_Oh yeah._ Yusuke managed to get an arm around Kurama's torso, intending to drag him backwards--and then let go with a panicked yelp as he felt something crawling up his back. He clawed at it automatically, and suddenly found himself with handfuls of shredded vines. _Vines?_

"Yusuke!" Hiei's voice was urgent; he was having a hard time keeping Kurama contained by himself. Yusuke jumped back into the fray; but out of the corner of his eye he noticed plants were growing up from the cracks in the floor, through the mortar on the walls, plants with many shapes and colors and different blossoms. He wasn't sure if they were a threat--he did not for a second believe Kurama would ever attack Hiei or himself with deadly plants, but he also didn't believe Kurama had the slightest conception either of them were there. And the plant life was growing thicker by the minute--soon the walls would be invisible behind the greenery.

"You might wanna burn those?" Yusuke said, struggling to drag the flailing kitsune another foot or two backward.

"So far they haven't tried to kill us. I don't know how he'll react if he feels them all die at once," Hiei shouted back, unsheathing his katana to slice through an ambitious vine that had rooted his left foot to the ground. "Let's just get out here as quickly as we can."

"What do you think I'm doing?" Yusuke complained, managing to get an arm around Kurama again and fending off a large and threatening-looking flower with the other.

Hiei didn't answer him, which was probably for the best. All their energy should be focused on getting out of there before Kurama succeeded in killing one or all of them, not on bickering. Yusuke could smell the fresh air now, and knew they were getting close to the entrance--but Kurama also seemed to know and was fighting so hard Yusuke was afraid of bones breaking, muscles being damaged. He just kept getting stronger in his desperation and the plants were getting thick, so thick you couldn't see past them. They didn't have the time to fight through all this mess--

_Time. _"Hiei!" Hiei spared him a glance. "If you could get a good enough grip on Kurama, how fast could you get him out of here?"

Hiei spared him more than a glance, then, looking at him with widened and calculating eyes. He thought before replying. "Two or three seconds. But I can't contain him on my own."

"You won't have to," Yusuke said, praying he was right. "It's being around here that's doing this to him. Get him out of here and get as far away as you can, get back to human world. I'll catch up later."

"But--"

"Hiei! Don't argue with me." Yusuke knew full well there was a risk, a gamble, that Kurama would not cease to struggle and Hiei would be forced to chase him through Makai, trying to keep him alive. He knew there was also a risk the plants would execute some sort of attack against him that he wouldn't be able to counteract. But every second lost in this place felt like one second closer to losing Kurama, losing him to death or madness and he couldn't let it happen. "I'll punch him hard enough to stun him for a second so you can get hold of him. Throw him over your shoulder and go."

Yusuke didn't wait to see if Hiei nodded or not; he turned all his attention back to Kurama, looking for the right opening. It came quickly--Kurama was making no attempt to guard himself. Clamping down on a wave of revulsion at the thought of doing violence to Kurama, Yusuke aimed a calculated, just-strong-enough uppercut to the kitsune's jaw.

Kurama stumbled--then there was a black blur, barely visible, and then the only things in the corridor were Yusuke and ten thousand plants.

Yusuke took a deep breath, steadying himself. Then he eyed the newborn jungle closing in around him--now that the other two were gone, it was time to vent a little of his frustration. Raising his hand in a gesture so familiar it was without thought, he thought of Satsuki. "Spirit gun."

It was a no contest battle. With the force of Yusuke's anger blazing through the shot, and without their master's energy to hold them up, the plants were completely vaporized. The only thing left behind was some gently drifting ash and an unappealing scent. Coughing slightly, Yusuke stumbled toward the exit, hoping he would be able to track where Hiei had gone.

He didn't have to track very far. When he made it past the rubble and stood owlishly blinking in the sudden daylight, Hiei was perched on a rock not two feet away, blinking back at him.

They stared at each other. Kurama was cradled in Hiei's arms, completely limp except for the gentle rise and fall of his diaphragm that attested he lived. Yusuke's first reaction was anger--anger at Hiei's stark refusal to leave him, his decision to wait. But he thought better of it. "Let's get out of here. It won't do any good to try to wake him up this close to it."

Hiei nodded. They darted off together, past the outer walls and towards the forest, wanting to be well clear of the fortress. Even going at Yusuke's top speed, not Hiei's, it took them very little time to cover a great deal of ground. As they ran, Hiei quickly filled Yusuke in. "The second we passed the outer wall, he collapsed. I barely caught him before his head hit the ground. He's completely unresponsive--just like before."

The "just like before" was said heavily. They came to a stop without having to discuss it, where the trees thinned at the far edge of the forest. Yusuke looked at Hiei. "Are you going to..."

"Yes," Hiei said firmly. They had already discussed it--during the endless loops of mental bickering on their journey here, talking about what to do if the worst happened (as it always seemed to) and Kurama split himself again. Before, when the injury had occurred months before the rescue, the Jagan had been useless--Hiei had found nothing but mental static when he opened his third eye. Now, there might be a chance he could chase Kurama down before the splitting ran too deep. It was a small chance, and a dangerous one--but one that Yusuke had known, even before asking, that Hiei was going to take.

"Hold him," Hiei said, suddenly businesslike. Yusuke instinctively held out his arms, and Hiei gently shifted Kurama into them. "Keep holding him while I do this--you remember how he was about our touch last time," Hiei instructed, both calm and firm. "And sit down, it might take some time and he might jerk. Make sure he can reach you the second he wakes."

Yusuke obediently maneuvered himself to the ground, cradling Kurama against his torso like he had so many times now. He watched Hiei strip the ward from his Jagan. "You. Be careful."

"Hn."

"I mean it. I remember what you said about repressed memories. Don't get caught in your own."

"Hn."

"Don't get lost, either."

"Yusuke, will you shut up?"

"No. Promise me you'll be careful."

"I know what I'm doing."

"No you don't." Hiei glared at Yusuke, and Yusuke glared right back. "Nobody knows how to do this. You told me that, too, and I remember. I know you--" Yusuke paused, selecting his words with more care than he usually did. "I know you love him. Don't let that cause you to make a mistake."

It took a moment, but eventually Hiei nodded. Yusuke took a deep breath. "Okay."

Hiei continued looking at him for a moment--Yusuke couldn't quite interpret what was in his eyes, but he knew that love and fear were both part of it. Then Hiei knelt next to them, put one hand on Kurama's forehead, and closed his eyes--his natural eyes, that was. His Jagan flared to life.

The stillness that suddenly descended over the three was disorienting and complete. Yusuke could sense more than see Hiei leaving this plane of awareness, seeking Kurama in a different one. He watched while his companions' breathing gradually fell into sync, slow and rhythmic like they were asleep. His own remained quick. He had never been more frightened.

* * *

Time slowed. Past a crawl, past a trickle, past all those things people said, until Yusuke could almost believe time had stopped and this was how it had always been and, more importantly, would always be. Yusuke could do nothing but watch, watch the peaceful appearances of his companions and wonder what internal struggle was waging. Hiei's face was calm, serene, like a sage in meditation, and for some reason this frightened Yusuke. Kurama's face was utterly blank, so completely devoid of expression that Yusuke found himself checking, more than once, to see that he was still breathing.

The stillness that had settled over the other two grew to include Yusuke--he was afraid to move, afraid to breathe, afraid of what might happen if Hiei's concentration broke. He couldn't be sure, but he felt like he was experiencing a sort of backlash, an echo, of what was happening in their minds; and the echo was of chaos. Complete chaos, beyond thought or even emotion, just turbulent waves crashing and rolling without hope of navigation or control. It was like looking at something reflected in a mirror reflected in another mirror; but it stayed the same, not changing as Yusuke's own fear increased, a turbulent ocean that could swallow you whole without leaving the slightest trace you had existed.

Yusuke sought some sign of life in Hiei's face; something other than the pale, insubstantial breath that was holding Kurama to this world. The look of peace, of timelessness, on Hiei's face was terrifying. He wondered if it could really hurt, just to jostle Hiei's arm a little, just to say his name. Just to make sure he wasn't--

Lost, like Kurama. Or lost with Kurama? Were they together, inside that chaos that Yusuke could barely sense? Or were they separated by it, Hiei unable to get past Kurama's defenses and unwilling to stop trying? Surely it was the former--they were both so strong, they loved each other so much. Surely they could find each other.

...But it was possible that Kurama did not want to be found.

Yusuke knew by the sun that more than an hour had passed. He moved his foot slightly, nudging Hiei with it. Hiei's body moved slightly, listlessly, keeping balance without his conscious awareness of the action. "Hiei," Yusuke said softly, his voice cracked.

No reaction. It was like he was kneeling next to two statues that happened to have breath in them.

Yusuke felt panic wrapping iron bands around his chest. Whatever he did next--even if he did nothing at all--he could be killing them. If he tried to break the connection, there would be nothing more for them to try, no other way to reach Kurama. Nothing but Kurama's own inner strength to get him through this. It would very possibly be his death.

And if he did nothing, it was just as likely to be both of them who died. Yet the chance was there... slim, but real.. wasn't it? Wasn't it possible that Hiei had the ability, somewhere between strength and love, to reach him? Or had it never existed?

Without realizing he had made a decision, Yusuke moved. His hand shot out and he dug his fingernails into Hiei's arm, sharp, deep enough that blood began to well up immediately. Hiei gasped like someone surfacing from deep water, his eyes flying open in shock.

They stared at each other, wide-eyed. Yusuke couldn't breathe, the pain from before intensifying, like his insides were coated in molten lava; he found himself convulsively tightening his hold on Kurama's body. _Don't die. Please, Kurama, don't die, forgive me please forgive me... I couldn't let him die like that. You wouldn't want it. I have to trust you..._

"What did you do?" Hiei's voice was soft, almost disoriented, but the seeds of anger were already in it.

Yusuke met his eyes and refused to look away. "You were lost."

"I..." The sentence started as denial, but he could not finish.

"You were lost," Yusuke said again, firmly although his voice was shaking. "You couldn't find him."

"You could have given me--" Hiei's voice was choked with anger. _More time._

"I won't lie here and watch as both of you die." Yusuke found himself clutching Kurama closer again, the horror of what he had done refusing to sink in. "I can't. You were--he wouldn't have--" Yusuke's words were tripping and struggling over themselves, the force of his effort not to cry strangling his voice temporarily. He could see, in the shock and anger on Hiei's face, that Hiei was able to understand everything he was failing to say. "He--he's not anyplace we can reach him, Hiei. We did what we... there isn't a way. This is his burden."

Hiei was silent. The silence stretched; but for Hiei, silence was often more communicative than words. The look he gave Yusuke now was small, measuring and hurting; and Yusuke knew he had accepted it. He looked at Yusuke for a moment, then at the ground; then at Kurama, his eyes bright with tears he would not shed.


	19. Need

A/N: Hey, I think this is the fastest I've ever updated this story! We're definitely getting to the end here, but there will be at least one more chapter after this, possibly two or three. Enjoy!

Chapter Nineteen: Need

_Come back._

_Darkness; chaos; touch. No touch. Come back._

_Hallways. In hallways inside his fortress, walking freely. Paths; one that goes outside, and one to the room, and one... where? Back, before... circles. Circles are good. Safe. _

_Wholeness. Remembrance, being myself--but no more thoughts on that, now. Not safe._

_Nothing here is safe. Safe is a lie. _

_Circles and passageways. Will it be like this forever? One leads outside, and one to the room where things happened, and one to the beginning. It's such an obvious choice, why do I keep walking? Why slip past the door to the outside, why persist in these circles? No more hiding; go outside. _

_Another circuit; another. Outside is not--it's _not_. It is--foreboding? Freedom--yes, want that. Outdoors is always freedom, running in fields, feeling sunlight, plants growing. Freedom from this place... _

_Yet it is not the way._

_Outside is freedom from this place--but this place is a part of me. So outside is--death. Rest. Finally. Is it time? _

_Circling. No scent here--not his. Not mine. Not theirs. Nothingness._

_Come back come back come back come back come back..._

_And this--what is it? Anger? No. This is active, not reactive. Determination..._

_Damn it, if you aren't going to come to me--_

_Then I'll--_

_They're on the other side of the room.  
_

* * *

_  
_Kurama slept like the dead. Unresponsive to their touch, or the lack of it, unresponsive to sound or pain. His breathing was slow and shallow, his heartbeat erratic, his skin pale and clammy. There was no making him eat or drink. Hiei estimated that if nothing changed, his body would weary of itself in two days or so.

He didn't share this estimate with Yusuke; there was no need to. For hours now the detective had knelt next to Kurama, hunched over counting his breaths, intent and miserable. Neither of them had spoken since the few words they had exchanged earlier, when Yusuke wrenched Hiei out of his futile effort to reach Kurama. Hiei didn't need words to see how wracked with guilt Yusuke was--and with the worst kind of guilt, guilt for an action knowingly committed and that you would commit again. Hiei had forgiven him almost immediately, but he didn't know how to communicate that and doubted that it would make a difference if he did. Yusuke would have to find his own way to live with this.

Dusk fell; wordlessly, Hiei gathered wood and set it on fire. He hadn't meant to disturb Yusuke from his vigil, but he could feel that he was being watched intensely, and when he glanced over his shoulder there was some sort of need in Yusuke's eyes. So when the fire was stable he moved to sit a few feet away from Yusuke, mirroring his posture, looking at him expectantly.

Yusuke didn't speak. Hiei used the silence to study him; part of him objected to what he saw, noted that someone so young shouldn't look so haggard. What was it Yusuke wanted, that he kept staring at him like this? It couldn't be forgiveness, or understanding; Yusuke always did what he himself thought was right, no more and no less. And acceptance had already been given.

Then Yusuke made a slight movement towards him; an abortive motion, checked before it could really happen.

Hiei thought for a minute. Then, still silent, he got up and moved to kneel behind Yusuke; he let his hands lie against the boy's shoulders for a moment, cautiously announcing his presence as any warrior would, before beginning a measured attack on the knots and kinks in his shoulder muscles. It was not quite what a human would have called a massage, since Hiei had learned this skill from fellow fighters and his movements were precise and without gentleness, the goal only loosening the muscles without the pleasure of touch. There had always been something more, when Kurama did this for him--some sort of comfort to it, beyond the relief of tension. Hiei wished he could remember how the fox had done it, so he could pass it on to Yusuke now. But he had never known how Kurama had managed to make it so soothing, so healing, to be touched, when everyone before Kurama had made him--

"How long?" Yusuke's voice was quiet, after hours of silence. "How long can he keep going like that?"

Hiei didn't answer. There was no point in sharing his timeframe; it wouldn't help Yusuke any to know. They lapsed quickly back into silence--sank into it, really, like mire beneath their feet. Hiei wished to hell he had some way of communicating better with Yusuke--the fox had always needed to be there to help, the bridge between their pride as Yusuke had put it. He continued kneading Yusuke's shoulders, holding on to the physical contact as the best way he had of reaching him.

It was Yusuke who broke the silence again, this time after only a few minutes. "I don't understand," he said. "I've been thinking, and thinking, and I just don't understand. How could anything do this to Kurama? I haven't thought about it before--I just wanted him to get better, I could help him just by being there... but now I have time to think about it, and I don't understand. He's so strong--" Yusuke's voice was breaking. "He's the one who plays mind games, not get trapped in them."

"This wasn't a mine game," Hiei corrected. "Whatever happened to him, it was real, and physical, and he was powerless."

"But the splitting--that's all in his mind. And I get this feeling like he could handle it, handle the other part, if he could just pull all the parts of himself together. If he could remember what was hurting him, he could fight it!" Yusuke's hands were clenching. "Why did he do this to himself?"

Hiei didn't answer. It was best to let the detective indulge in this fit of anger, and get it over with. But the silence stretched, and Yusuke sent Hiei a glance over his shoulder that made it clear he needed to hear some sort of answer. Hiei found himself speaking without thought. "It doesn't matter how strong you are. It's impossible to see beyond surviving that moment, when it happens. Anything that takes you away from it will do. He couldn't see this far, Yusuke." His voice grew slightly harder. "And if he could have, he wouldn't have cared."

Yusuke was quiet--sullen. Hiei forced himself to continue seeking out the knots in his shoulders, when all he wished to do was pull away. _You have to stop doing that_, he reminded himself fiercely. _You can't afford to pull away from Yusuke anymore. He may be--the only--_

"I forget," Yusuke said quietly. "I let myself--I don't want to believe you have weaknesses, either of you. I get pissed at you for having them. Because it means--something like this can happen, and I--" Yusuke rubbed at his face tiredly. "I'm not even making sense."

Hiei shrugged. "So don't make sense. It's not like anything we do is going to help or not help now."

"That's not like you, Hiei! You're not a fatalist, you never just sit back and go 'oh well.' You're always the one saying 'and if that doesn't work, we'll kill everyone and no one will know we didn't win the first time.'"

"Show me someone to kill and believe me, I'll happily oblige."

"But don't you think we should--"

"Do what?" Hiei snapped, his own anger finally flaring. "If you think worrying or fighting or praying or any other damned thing is going to make one drop of difference, then go ahead and do it, Detective. But I've done everything I can, I played my best shot and I'm not going to torment myself thinking I can make a difference any longer. You were right, when you pulled me out; I couldn't reach him. He has to do this on his own."

Silence. Hiei ground his teeth slightly, regretting the outburst. It wasn't right, when they had no one else to look to right now, that they should fight. Yet it was hard not to rise to the tempting bait Yusuke's anger made, and forget about it for awhile in the conflict. Damned if he would apologize--but his hands on Yusuke's shoulders gentled.

"I wish I understood," Yusuke said. Bitterly.

Quietly. "No, Yusuke. You don't."

Silence again. Hiei could hear the question on the tip of Yusuke's tongue, the one that had been there for weeks now. Another convenient distraction for them--a painful one, but less painful than the reality. Hiei removed his hands and stood, walking a few feet away and turning his back to Yusuke, hands shoved deep in his pockets. Quietly, he began to form an answer to the silent query. "In the Makai, nothing is free. Nothing. Every kindness has a price attached to it. No one raises a child that isn't theirs out of the goodness of their hearts. The thieves who raised me--liked children."

Hiei paused for a moment. He could sense Yusuke had turned to look at him, but he was quiet. Hiei wondered if he'd said enough. He had never tried to put this into words--not even to the fox--but the way Yusuke waited and listened... "I didn't know any better, I thought every child went through it. I didn't like it, but then there were a hell of a lot of things I didn't like. I assumed when I grew up it would end, but I never stopped looking like a child, even when I was full grown." Hiei noted with some surprise that his hands were fisted, knuckles white, and took care to speak in a measured, even tone. "So I decided that if I wanted power--which I had since the day I was born--the first step was to control my own body and who had access to it. I began killing them when they came to me. Needless to say I was cast out of the group before very long. I wish I'd gotten a chance to kill all of them, but it doesn't seem like it's worth tracking them down now. Like it would just be giving them more power, to care if they lived or died."

Yusuke shifted slightly, like he had made another movement towards Hiei and thought better of it. _Be grateful you won't go through this, Detective. Between the two of us--or if it just turns out to be me--I won't allow it. Be glad you don't understand_. "It took me a long time to understand that most people didn't have sex with the adults who raised them." A small flicker of a reminiscent smile crossed his face. "In fact, when I first noticed Kurama's devotion to his mother I assumed they were sleeping together. You can imagine his reaction to that."

He sensed Yusuke recoil physically at his words--he had discovered from Kurama that humans held very powerful taboos against incest--but the boy recovered quickly. "I'm kinda impressed you _survived _his reaction to that."

Hiei only nodded. After Kurama's initial anger--which had admittedly been spectacular, but brief--he had settled down to analyzing Hiei with a vengeance, wondering why he would jump to that conclusion. It had not been a pleasant experience for Hiei; but he had not fled the room, either. It was the first time anyone had tried to...

Yusuke finally made up his mind and moved, coming to stand just slightly behind and next to Hiei. It was the stance he usually took when they were surveying something together, and it was comforting--even if all they were looking at now was a dank forest, not a trap to be evaded or a battle ready to begin. It was where Yusuke was supposed to be. "Well," Hiei said evenly, "I told you I'd tell you someday."

Yusuke hesitated, no doubt debating, before saying what they were both thinking. "You said you'd tell me when Kurama was well."

"When he didn't need us anymore." Hiei shrugged, the motion stiff despite his best efforts at casualness. "He doesn't need us right now."

"But he will," Yusuke stressed.

"Maybe."

Silence. Hiei waited for Yusuke to accuse him of not caring again, but it didn't come. That was not good. Hiei had only said it so Yusuke would argue with him, not allow him to give up; if Yusuke was starting to accept it, that meant Hiei had to accept it too, how unlikely it was that Kurama had the strength he needed to get through this. Hiei had tried to leave a trace of his own energy behind him, with the Jagan, a sort of guidance to this world; but the likelihood was that Kurama would never get far enough out of that place to even see it.

Yusuke's hands came down on his shoulders--lightly, not kneading like Hiei's had but just resting there, a weight that for once felt comfortable instead of confining. Without emotion, Hiei said, "What do you suppose will happen to us if he dies?"

It was the first time either of them had said _death_ or _dies_ aloud, and the air rang for a moment afterwards. Hiei had put the question as blandly as he knew how. Was it wrong to ask, while Kurama was still breathing?

"We'll think of something." Yusuke's voice was pitched for Hiei's ears alone, carrying an emphasis so slight that no one else would have heard it; but it was a response to the emphasis Hiei himself had unconsciously placed on his question. _We? We._ That a _we_ would still exist, without Kurama. It was wrong to ask, but Hiei had to.

Yusuke's hands moved from his shoulders to gently circle his chest, pulling Hiei back against him in a sort of gentle, sad, comforting hug. He hadn't waited before making the movement, no moment of hesitation to see if Hiei would allow it. Somehow that was more comforting than the touch itself. Hiei allowed Yusuke to pull him back further, until he was leaning slightly against Yusuke, and to rock him slightly from side to side, and even nodded to the soft "I love you" in his ear.

"This is really rather sweet."

Yusuke spun so fast that he didn't bother to let go of Hiei first, and Hiei found himself brought along for the ride. He wasn't sure if it was the unexpected movement or the unexpected voice that put his heart into his throat, but when he saw Kurama's eyes open and fixed on them his heart stopped entirely. "Two demons," Kurama continued, "who between them possess half the power and more than half the attitude of the entire Makai, standing around cuddling and exchanging sweet nothings. I may throw up."

Hiei experienced a moment of weakness--like a fainting spell from lack of blood, except he wasn't bleeding but he still might have fallen if the detective had not still been clutching him. Kurama gave them an easy smile--he was drenched in sweat, like a fever had broken, but his eyes were clear, and that smile held no uncertainty.

When neither of them moved, Kurama slowly--almost leisurely, though Hiei could see the effort behind it--brought himself to a sitting position. He stretched, displaying a skeletal physique but also an expression of pleasure at the movement that had been missing before. He tied some sort of knot in his sweaty hair, binding it away from his neck, and then glanced at them with amusement. "Exactly how long have I been away, that the two of you can't do anything but stare at me? Or did I die? I have to tell you, if I did, I never thought a ghost's body could ache like this."

Hiei managed to shake off his paralysis, and the Detective's arms that were still wrapped around him. He stepped forward slowly, afraid to take his eyes from Kurama; Kurama watched his approach inquisitively. Still staring, eyes locked on Kurama's, Hiei sank to a kneeling position in front of him; he was dimly aware that Yusuke was somewhere nearby, but all he could do was look. Kurama's eyes, watching them both, were calm and amused and loving. And his energy--his energy was surging, strongly, whole, living like his plants--hell, just _alive_ in a way it had not been since... And the way he was leaning on one arm as he regarded them, as if it was his own arm again, the full and unapologetic twist of his waist when he turned to face them, the easy way he owned his body...

Hiei met his eyes again, and spoke to a person he had not seen in four months. "Hello, Kurama."


	20. Home

_(A/N: I always seems to choke on the last chapter, and the longer the story the harder I choke. Nevertheless, I've been writing this story for a year and a half and I'm ready to be done with it. Hope you all find this a satisfactory ending.)_

Chapter Twenty: Home

"It's not really that complicated. I've become used to having both of you around; I guess you could say I've gotten spoiled. And when I understood where I was, that I was caught between... well, that I was somewhere you couldn't go. I realized that I could either go forward and die, or come back to where you were. I don't think I could have done it if I hadn't been so pissed off that you'd left me in the first place," he added as an afterthought.

"Left?_Left?_"

Kurama quickly touched Yusuke's arm, a calming gesture, hoping to forestall the tirade before he could get really started. It couldn't have been more than half an hour since he'd woken, and he'd already been yelled at, multiple times, by both of them. He supposed it was understandable; for four months now, Hiei and Yusuke had been suppressing every emotion that could possibly be of danger to him. Now that he was _back_, whole, now that his very scent had changed and they couldn't help but be aware of it--now he was getting to experience four months of fear and anger and frustration all wrapped into one moment. But while he might have owed it to them to listen, right now he couldn't take any more shouting. He was more aware of his body than he had been in months--he couldn't be aware, before, when he hadn't been entirely in it--and every inch of it ached, particularly his head. He just couldn't take it.

So he touched Yusuke's arm soothingly, and said, "I know, I know you didn't really leave me. I know you tried everything you co--that reminds me, Hiei, you are never to try anything like that again," Kurama said sharply, abruptly shifting gears.

Hiei only blinked slowly, his own long-established way of letting Kurama know it would be a cold day in hell before Hiei agreed to whatever Kurama had just said. "I mean it, Hiei. Do you even realize how easily you could have died? Though I'll admit, I'm a little put out that you could so clearly find your way back out of that maze when I couldn't begin to navigate it without seeing where you had been--"

"That was him." Hiei jerked his head to the side in his habitual gesture for indicating someone, forgetting that Yusuke was so near that they nearly wound up bumping heads. It was fortunate that Kurama had woken up with a desire to be close to his lovers, because he couldn't move at the moment without causing one of them to move, couldn't breathe without disturbing their hair. Excluding a brief fit of angry, frenetic pacing on Hiei's part, they had glued themselves to him the moment he woke up. It was surprisingly comforting. "Your pride is intact," Hiei continued. "I was more lost than you were."

"That makes it even worse. Don't ever do anything like that again."

"Don't_you_ do anything like that again and _I_ won't have to!"

"Don't you _dare_--"

"Stop, stop, halt, desist," Yusuke said tiredly. "It's over and done, there's no need to fight over it."

"I'm not--"

"I want him to--"

"Stop!" Yusuke didn't let either of them get very far; from his tone and expression, Kurama could tell he had about as much tolerance for fighting right now as Kurama had for shouting. "Hiei, if you were in Kurama's place you would be saying the same thing, and Kurama, if you were in Hiei's place you would be denying him. We all know any time that any one of our lives is in danger the other two are going to risk their own. I don't know why you bother getting into fights over it."

There was a moment of crisp silence after Yusuke finished scolding them, like everyone was pausing to listen to the echoes of things they had already known, but that had never been said so clearly or casually before. Then Kurama smiled and said, "We get into fights because, as you yourself pointed out, it used to be the best way we had of proving we cared. I expect it'll eventually fade away now that you're around to complain about it."

"C'mon, you get into way more fights now than you did before."

"No," Hiei said, "we just allow you witness them now."

Yusuke thought about that for a moment. "Well... I guess that's a good thing," he said dubiously. "But I'm starting to feel like I'm going to spend the rest of my life breaking up fights between you two."

"You will," Kurama replied simply.

The other two turned to him, again shocked by the candidness with which something had suddenly jumped from being unspoken to spoken. Kurama faced their surprise with his own. "You didn't think this was going to stop the second I was back on my feet, did you?" he demanded. "That I've been using you as props to recover?"

"What somebody wants when they're vulnerable is rarely what they desire when they're whole," Hiei replied carefully. Kurama resisted both the urge to interrupt and the urge to throttle him, mindful of Yusuke's nerves. "And we began this with an understand that if it didn't feel right to you when you were healthy, it would stop."

"I remember. Don't either of you dare."

"_Are_ you healthy?" Yusuke wanted to know.

Kurama thought for a moment before answering, giving the question the weight it deserved. "Yes." The other two looked at him with measured disbelief. "Weak, but healthy." The disbelief didn't waver. "Would you prefer I lapsed into catatonia again? Have the courtesy to extend a little faith."

Yusuke smiled halfway. "At least you sound like yourself again."

Hiei was not so easily convinced. "I saw--where you were," he faltered, not able to find words for it--the words he did use were a pale coating, trying desperately to hint at something else. "That level of--darkness--it's not something that can be easily shed."

"What gave you the impression it was easy," Kurama grumbled. More clearly, he added, "No, it's not something you can be pulled out of, not without tremendous effort. But I wasn't pulled out of it. I got up and walked away, and that's different."

Hiei smiled--with an edge to it, and before he spoke Kurama realized where he had been maneuvered to, the point Hiei had been moving towards and now achieved. "Convince me," he said simply, his tone a challenge. He would antagonize Kurama into being healthy, dare him to do it.

Kurama debated with himself whether jumping Hiei or beating him into a bloody pulp would be more convincing. Then he debated it with Yusuke, and Hiei lowered his dignity enough to jump in and attempt to influence the outcome, and they were all laughing uncontrollably by the time it was determined that beating into a bloody pulp could certainly wait until tomorrow.

* * *

Kurama took great delight the next day in announcing that he wanted to go home, simply to watch Hiei's face turn interesting colors. Hiei did not disappoint, and also came through with a spectacular rant on Kurama's apparent inability to designate a single location as "home" and how he had better not expect Hiei to go to the trouble of figuring out what the hell he meant if he wouldn't be consistent. But despite having spoken to deliberately inflame him, Kurama really meant what he said, and this time "home" happened to mean Shiori. So they leisurely made their way back over the path they had covered so tensely a few days ago, arrived at night two days later, and surprised everyone by coming down to breakfast the next morning.

"Home" temporarily became the temple again. Kurama was by no means completely recovered, and Genkai's large tracts of land provided ample space to train, rest, and generally feel healthy in. And since the temple

had served as an odd sort of customs ever since the barrier between the human and demon worlds had come down, Genkai was used to having people in and out of it all the time and didn't even seem to notice they were there anymore. So the three of them stayed on, as well as Shiori--Kurama couldn't convince her to leave and didn't try particularly hard. He found himself spending most of his time with her, trying to untangle two decades worth of lies. Since the worst parts were out and she hadn't even flinched, he wanted to come completely clean with her.

He knew that Yusuke and Hiei both felt a little left out, with all his time turning towards his mother, but they kept themselves occupied with each other. Something had changed in their relationship--Kurama could even pinpoint when it had changed, but unfortunately he had been unconscious at the time and couldn't begin to imagine what had passed between them while he had been out cold at the fortress. But Yusuke's general aura of love and protection now extended to cover Hiei in a way it never had before--if only because Hiei had never allowed it. It was fascinating, and he fully intended to understand it better... someday. Right now, he wasn't about to insist on being part of it. If this relationship was going to continue to work smoothly they all had to acknowledge what they had discussed on the way back from Makai--that it was really three separate relationships, and there was nothing wrong with any two of them sharing anything--information, emotions, bodies--without the third being present. Kurama was actually relieved that their relationship could function without both of them being worried sick over him, and made sure to give them time to develop it.

Despite that, it seemed to throw Yusuke when Hiei suddenly left for Makai for a few days, chasing down some rumor or another. Kurama was surprised by his surprise. It had been nearly two weeks since they'd come back, after all, and Kurama was clearly in the best shape he'd been in yet--able to run for short distances, sparring with the other two regularly, and the temple's other inhabitants no longer worried about disturbing him with their noise. He tried to explain. "You didn't really expect Hiei to settle down in one place, did you? You wouldn't want him to. He'd be miserable."

"But..."

"All this means is that he thinks I can survive without him for a few days." Yusuke still looked morose. "Yusuke, trust me--the only way to make sure Hiei always comes back is to never ask him to. You ought to know that by now."

"I do know that, but..." Yusuke was restless in his frustration, almost pacing. "I guess I just thought we'd--you know, the three of us would--"

"Live happily ever after somewhere? We will. I really don't know where, though," Kurama confessed. "I mean, I wouldn't be happy in demon world, and Hiei wouldn't be happy here... it's a bit of a puzzle. But we've got a long time to work it out. In the meantime, let him go. Home isn't somewhere you have to stay, it's where you come back to whenever you want, and you know he'll come back." Yusuke looked halfway convinced, so Kurama stepped closer to him and added softly, "Besides, I don't anticipate being lonely while he's gone." And that convinced him.

It took a few more weeks before Kurama was ready to leave the temple, and a few weeks after that before he could convince everyone else he was ready to leave the temple. By that time, Hiei had flitted in and out a few times and mentioned one or two tantalizing hints of new adventures to be had that Yusuke and Kurama were itching to get hold of themselves, Shiori had mentioned to Kurama that she expected to see a lot less of him, and "home" had become a very loose concept. Wherever the other two happened to be--wherever they could all be together for a time. Wherever they were comfortable, wherever the barriers could come back down for a moment because this kind of healing took years, not weeks. But none of them doubted any longer that it could be done, in time; and none of them doubted either that time, all that they needed, was something they had.

* * *

_(That's all, folks! Thanks for sticking with me on this one!)_


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